Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Uncategorized

What Makes a Woman Great in Bed?

“Sex is the most fun thing you can have without smiling” — Madonna Ciccone

Madonna is one of the most influential female recording artists of all time. Her legacy transcends music and has been studied by sociologists and historians the world over. She modernized the music video, pioneered the contemporary concert extravaganza, and her 1991 documentary In Bed with Madonna paved the way for reality TV. She brought female sexuality front and center and liberated women worldwide.

Madonna demonstrated to women and girls everywhere what it truly meant to freely express yourself and go after your dreams. She is a cultural icon; a damn sexy woman, and she represents everything that I admire and respect in a woman.

Madonna is many things but I daresay that she has never been accused of being a dead lay. You know what I’m talking about — the chicks who are referred to as a “starfish” or a “dead fish” in the bedroom when they lay there like an inactive frog and let their partners do all the work.

Putting it like that, it’s easy to see the frustration element here.


The urban dictionary cites a “dead lay” as:

“Someone (male or female) that is so bad at sex you may as well be [sleeping with] a corpse, although a corpse may sometimes be livelier.”


Almost sounds worse than necrophilia. You’ve just got to love the Urban Dictionary for its colorful definitions.

Quite a while ago and Like a Virgin, I was rather concerned about the whole “dead lay” thing. I hadn’t yet slept with a guy but I had heard enough tittle-tattles floating around about girls who were labeled a dead lay after having sex with a boy.

I know, I know. It sounds positively harsh and judgmental. I mean, it wasn’t as if any of the girls and guys involved were experienced and worldly in the realm of sex at the time. Still, as I began to dip my proverbial toes into sexuality, the idea of sucking (not literally) in the bedroom appalled me. I didn’t want to be a dead lay.

I wanted to be like Madonna. Without the virgin part.

Madonna was the definition of raw, untamed female sensuality. She was the woman who owned femininity with attitude and monopolized a perverse and smutty brand of elegant, lusty, in-ya-face sexuality.


Not. So Much.

Anyway, witnessing Madonna’s flaunting antics influenced me to explore my own desires in a deep and unhindered way. The repercussions? I eventually blossomed into sexual womanhood, not unlike a ripe, unfurling wildflower.


I had discovered the pleasures of sex.

“Sex is a core function of humanity. It plays a huge role in the physical health and vitality of the body. Sex is also an immense, universal force that can merge your spirit (your divine essence) with your body.” – Julia Piatt

Some women think sex isn’t such a big deal. They don’t make it a priority and can take it or leave it. Obviously, such a woman has never been thoroughly … um … serviced by a man (or another woman).

Admittedly, when the prospect of bad sex is staring me in the face, there isn’t a book I would deny as a substitute (so long as the title doesn’t begin with the number above 49).

It could be that a woman may have difficulties expressing her sexuality and emotional intimacy — both of which play a vital role in achieving deep connection with her spirituality and her lover, as well as propelling her toward greater spheres of self-actualization.

In my experience, sexuality, spirituality, and creative energy are really all parts of one whole. If you are expressed creatively, chances are that you will also be expressed sexually — and creativity is all about spiritual intimacy.

You cannot mistake a woman who is deeply in touch with her sexuality.

Personally, I think it radiates from within and colors her with sheer beauty, signaling via the little things like the swing of her hips when she walks, her mannerisms, and the degree of passion she holds for new experiences and adventure. She is probably creative, soulful, laughs easily, enjoys spontaneity, and relishes each of her sensory gifts.

In short, she possesses a distinct sensuality.

Sex expert Tracey Cox provides an accurate description when she says: “A woman who is sexually confident is adventurous and knows what she wants”.

i.e. Madonna.

So, what makes a woman a particularly great lover?

Long gone are the days where the people in my life kiss and tell (thank goodness). Albeit, when asked what makes a woman amazing in bed, they were more than happy to give me their take on the subject.

For fancy fun, I’m getting creative and using four of Madonna’s hottest tracks from her Erotica album to help describe what makes a woman great in bed — and she is:

Track #1 Erotica

Simply put, she loves sex.

A woman who is willing to try new and different things to rock her mate’s world as well as enhance her own experience is a woman who has a flare for [F…fill in the blank here].

We tend to be good at the things we love to do. People have their own ideas about what constitutes good sex, but really, the best indication of knowing if a woman is a great lover is as simple as how much she loves sex.

“Sex is involution (spirit descending) and evolution (physical ascending) meeting at the heart in an explosion of pure love.” – Julia Piatt

A woman is a great lover when she recognizes that sex is an expression of passion, deep connection and love; and she will offer herself to the moment with abandonment.

Track #2 Fever

A sexually successful woman is driven by fire.

She moans in the bedroom — but not too much.

Sex with a woman who is deadly quiet is …well … not unlike the dead lay really. It can be unnerving to her lover because a man relies on his woman’s moans and groans as feedback that she’s having a good time.

Besides, if you ask me, it can be near impossible to not flagrantly express the overflow of orgasmic tension and release in the bedroom.

Though, I believe the “screamer” is somewhat unsettling. You know, those gals who make an ear-aching racket during sex. Cringe. Honestly, I’m not entirely certain if those women exist outside of porn and movies, but just in case… somewhere in between does just nicely.

Track #3 Deeper and Deeper

There is an extremely arousing dark side to male sexuality that operates on an intrinsically primitive level. When a woman unleashes it, she is going to see evidence of raw and uncontrollable emotion in her man.

It’s like an orchestrated symphony of sexual honesty that will unlock an uncharted path towards intense desire and vulnerability; and it’s profoundly beautiful.

A woman who is a great lover aspires to tap into her mate’s essence — she seeks to unravel his primal urges and needs, and she will make it her Holy Grail of the sex act.

Track #4 Where Life Begins


“Having a partner that’s more concerned with pleasing you is a turn on for most, so imagine what the results could be if both partners have this mentality.”

Sex expert Kevin Darné

Lips play a pivotal role in the sexual activity of man and are the symbolic representation of sensuality and sexuality for humans.

Lips are erotic pleasure for him.

Her lips will hold his inner-most secrets. A woman who knows how to really love a man has lips like purposepresence, and passion; she expresses her feelings through her kiss and isn’t too lady-like to give and receive oral sex.

In fact, how much someone enjoys giving and receiving oral sex is the marker of a great lover because putting your mouth on someone else’s genitals and letting them do the same to you is an extremely intimate act.

A woman makes a great lover when she is willing to give as good as she gets. Her partner’s satisfaction is important to her. She knows that sex is messy, sweaty, and never lady-like. Yet, she appreciates every sacred and erotic moment.

Perhaps we could all benefit by taking a page from Madonna’s outlook-book when she says:

“Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don’t judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.”

Originally published by Sexography on Medium.

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