Humor, life, mindset, sexuality, Women

How to Be Effortlessly Cool

Ode to the women who make it look easy

by Jennifer M. Wilson

This is a total bait and switch title. Did you think I was going to teach you how to be “effortlessly cool”? Hell no! I have no fucking clue how to be hip! Do cool people still say “hip”? 

I wish I were the type of woman who woke up, tossed on a vintage Ramones t-shirt (I don’t think I’ve ever even heard a song by them, that’s how uncool I am), some ripped skinny jeans and…crap I don’t know what shoes would go with that outfit without looking like I tried too hard.

I want to be the woman who just looks cool and fashionable without even trying. When the outfit looks flawless, everything seems to come together.

How do you define those women who look fabulous no matter what they wear? It’s like their clothes are a tribute to their essence and their soul. A woman who looks spectacular in a business suit might look ridiculous in the same summer romper worn perfectly on another.

For me to look good, it takes effort. I can look fantastic in that business suit too, but it won’t feel comfortable on me; it’ll feel like a costume. When I wear my “standard uniform” of skinny jeans and a weird t-shirt (usually made myself because I’m a crafting nerd with a Cricut), I don’t look “effortlessly chic”. I look homeless.

So if wearing what is comfortable doesn’t inherently make a person stylish, but dressing up doesn’t make them fashionable either…what is the special sauce for those that make it look so easy and perfect?

High school is one place you never want to stand out. At least, that was the case in the 1990s. This was the era of In Living Color, when J Lo was an unknown backup dancer. Baggy oversized sweatshirts. Overalls. Air Jordans. One girl in my school followed the beat of her own drum.

I jumped to my yearbook to remember her name. I’m looking through mobs of grainy black and white pictures (my GOD kids today are lucky Photoshop exists), figuring I probably wouldn’t recognize her. Nope. BOOM. Her gorgeous smile and bouncy blond curls popped out of the page.

Her name was Sarah.

She wore hippie-style outfits. Lots of peace signs and cartoon-y flowers. Nothing like our faux hip hop clothes. In our final year of high school, she decided she wouldn’t shave her legs. Did I mention that we had a Best Legs Competition? (yeah, that’s a little inappropriate in hindsight)

Of course, Sarah won. She had legs for miles and could pull off crazy knee-high socks with bright patterns.

Anyone else straying from the teen norm and growing leg hair would be a high school pariah. Not Sarah. She didn’t give a shit. She wore shorts and skirts. It wasn’t attention-seeking; she simply didn’t care. The rest of us girls were awestruck.

Is that the definition of being “effortlessly chic”?

I would look like a clown in Sarah’s outfits. But on her, it was like she walked out of an Abercrombie for Hippies catalog. Is the key that it’s something that feels natural to who you are? Not “comfortable” like my lazy jeans and t-shirt look. But “natural”, like comfortable to the wearer but spiced up a bit.

That might be the secret.

Purging her closet to embrace minimalism, a friend of mine gave me a bag full of clothes. She works in the entertainment industry so I trust her taste in fashion better than I do my own.

While there were things I didn’t keep, I held onto a fitted orange corduroy blazer. It sounds hideous, right? I kept it for years when one day, while heading out the door wearing the usual jeans and t-shirt uniform, I grabbed it on a whim. Surprisingly, it fit me perfectly. This jacket fits as if tailored custom for me.

As I walked around work that day, I received dozens of compliments on the jacket. Even a few male employees risked HR suspension by saying, “Wow…that color on you…you look great!” and “You look really good today.”

Had I unknowingly mastered “effortlessly chic” without knowing it?

Perhaps I’ve cracked the code: The key to looking effortlessly chic isn’t wearing comfortable clothes. It isn’t wearing clothes that are too dressed up for your style. It’s the intersection of your go-to outfits with pieces outside of your typical comfort zone. Not so much that you feel self-conscious; just enough to feel like you mixed it up a little outside of your norm.

What that in mind, scroll up to the picture at the top. Unsplash Photo Woman may be used to leather and high boots, but maybe wearing animal print isn’t her jam — Boom.

Effortlessly chic. Nailed it.

About Jennifer M. Wilson

From Medium: My midlife crisis and adventures along the way. I write because in real life my humor is allegedly too sarcastic and inappropriate.

Read more of Jennifer’s work on Medium:

This post was also published by Living Out Loud on Medium.

life, Love and Connection, mindset, relationships, Romance, sexuality

A Sensual Man is Like a Piece of Art

The creative expression of love

I’ll never forget the night when sharing a few drinks with mates at a friend’s place, a much older guy took me aside to let me know that if there was ever a time when I wanted to discover what it felt like to make love to a real man, all I’d have to do is say the word.

He followed up by painting a picture of the long and leisurely hours he would spend making me feel so good, that I would swear off boys forever. He was in his forties; I was about sixteen.


The move was unexpected. Some might even say it was inappropriate. Ha. That’s life, dear friend. People have a way of throwing us a seriously strange loop from time to time. Best get used to it.

Speaking of loops, it wasn’t as if I was putting out “flirty” come-hither-signals his way or anything.


Lord, no.

In fact, by sixteen, I had already adopted a guarded attitude around men in the way that I was very conscious of how males perceived me and of my actions.

FYI: That happens to a girl when she encounters more than her fair share of unwanted male attention, and probably the reason why women often become intolerant and jaded by “sleazy” left-field pick-up lines and unexpected propositions from total strangers.

And yeah, these kind of pick-up artistry tactics were around way before neggingcat theory and strawberry fields became a thing. Like a prehistoric disposition ingrained in human behavior.

Best get used to that, too.

Anyhow, dealing with such an explicit offer from a much older man wasn’t on my “how-to” list of things to handle. It went a bit like this:

Panic. Button.

Help arrived with the appearance of a girlfriend, who happened to interrupt just as he was describing the way he wanted to flick his tongue against my lips. And I don’t mean the ones connected to my mouth.

The strangest thing about it was that once I recovered from the unexpected moment, I couldn’t help but ponder his very scandalous and very sexy offer.

He was right in that the quality of sex coming my way was, by all means primal and immature. Mostly, my carnal knowledge thus far had consisted of horny, rough finger play sessions, teeth where they shouldn’t be and cringe-worthy sucking. All of which preceded a main course of … erm … hard and fast shagging. It was a far cry from the exquisitely-put cunnilingus he had so artfully described.

Sensuality wasn’t a part of my world.

As you can imagine, the only sensual, slow burning passion that had made it anywhere near my all-you-can-eat, long and leisurely sex table arrived within private sexual fantasies and the occasional raunchy flick like Sea of Love.

Ah, Pacino…

I’m uncertain if it’s just that I’m a sucker for the dark, brooding sexy type, or if that Pacino’s killer screen presence totally blinded me — but damn, that man is like the pinnacle of sensuality in my book.

You saw the way he looked at Penelope Ann Miller in Carlito’s Way, right?

Mmm …. where was I?

The truth was that back then I didn’t yet know the touch of a man who really knew how to seduce, pleasure and handle a woman.

AKA: a sensual man.

Yeah, I may have been young and shy — perhaps even a little timid, and I was nowhere near the sexually-actualized woman that I am today, but I knew enough to know a sensual, sexually confident man when I saw one — even if I didn’t how to be the lover he had envisioned me to be.

Thankfully, things are different now.

The years have given me experience enough to know the kind of lover I want and need in my life. I am now a woman who knows how to handle a man in and out of the bedroom, and I understand my body in an intimate way. Which means that I can express exactly what I want in the bedroom to my significant other.

In other words, I’ve grown confident in expressing my sexuality in my relationships.

Pamela Madsen from HuffPost:

“A sexually confident woman is someone who actively pursues erotic and sensual pleasures. She’s not dependant on her partner for the expression of her sexuality, she enjoys touching her own body, and she’s not afraid to explore the world of sexual fantasy.”

Now, that sounds like a woman who celebrates her femininity and is fully expressed in her sexuality. It also sounds like the place where every woman should aspire to be.

Naturally, this type of woman is going to require a man who can hold his own beside her. Someone who understands who he is and what he wants out of life, and who is, like her, in touch with his sexual power and sensuality.

With that in mind, let’s get onto framing that art detailing what a sensual man looks like.

He has…

Artwork Like Creativity

There are no “ifs” or “buts” about it — creativity is just straight-up sexy and an extremely sensual quality for a man to possess.

Right? A creative man is driven by passion and deep desire, and tends to allow his heart and soul to lead the way over pure logic. He has a colorful flare for life with the ability to tap into and connect with his spirit and imagination.

When a creative man brings those qualities into focus on the woman he loves, his love is then charged with passion — pure, sensual magic.

From Noteable Life:

“One thing all artists and creative souls have in common is an insatiable passion — and a desire to express that passion. They tend to put their entire heart and soul into the task at hand — whether we’re creating a painting, writing the lyrics to a song, or in bed with friends, lovers, and significant others.”

A sensual man has artwork like creativity because creativity, imagination and passion are the fire crucible elements of deep love.

Artwork Like Sexual Confidence

Sexual confidence in a man is like a love-channel toward sexual expression and power.

It’s a distinct and intoxicating quality in a man which smells like all of life-force energy, sexual spirit and deep fusion. When a woman gets a whiff of a sexually confident man, she knows he will have no problem handling her most sensual desires.

Another thing to consider about sexual confidence is that our energies do speak volumes way before we even utter a word to someone. It’s like a personal vibration.

Take the example from the story I mentioned earlier. I knew exactly what was on that older man’s mind and that he could deliver in the bedroom just by being around him — he oozed sexual confidence.

A sexually confident man lets a woman know that he is amazing in bed and that he is open to sexual exploration — and honestly, it is a deliciously positive energy that will impact her beyond anything he could ever say out loud.

A sensual man has artwork like sexual confidence because he understands that deep sex with the woman he loves is pure energy healing in its most sacred form.

Artwork Like Eyes

Of all our facial features, our eyes are the most revealing.

Oh, sweet, sensual soul!

When a man knows how to hold his woman with his stare, he actually conveys deeper meaning through his eyes which lets her know that he holds space for and is fully present with her.

It’s like the secret, intimate and intense look he saves just for her, and it is as sensual as hell. A woman can’t ever get enough of such a look from the man she loves.

More about the eyes from Every Day Health:

“When compared with an attractive face, voice, or body odor, a large, dilated pupil is associated with the most attractiveness in both sexes. That’s because when people are aroused, that black circle in the middle of the eye enlarges. Both men and women find this arousal sign attractive, even if only subconsciously.”

A sensual man has artwork like eyes because he knows to “see” his woman is to acknowledge, know, love and connect with her in full presence — like soul syrup for two.

Artwork Like Humor

A man who is touch with his sensuality is someone who is honest, funny and playful without being childish. Yes, humor can be sensual because laughing together is creating positive feel-good vibes between the two of you.

Laughing with your mate is plain uplifting, while at the same time, it strengthens communication and meaningful bonding — not to mention that connected humor really is soul nourishing.

Psychology Today: “A good sense of humor is one of the most desirable traits in a mate, especially in the early stages of dating. Women are particularly interested in a man with a sense of humor, or more specifically, someone that will make them laugh.”

And while we’re on the subject…

Great communication is like adding a dose of sensuality in your love language in that when intentionally achieved on all levels — verbally, soulfully, spiritually and sexually — as well as taking non-verbal cues from your lover, is when great communication has the ability to transcend the relationship to higher states of “being” together.

Think of it in terms of releasing the “genie in a bottle” between you and your lady-lover. It’s that profound in a relationship.

Only good things can unfold from there, because reaching that beautiful level of communication is the ultimate space existing in the realm of love and connection.

A little more about communicating:

A good communicator is someone who is able to not only think, speak and engage in all types of conversation — from witty banter to deep, meaningful discussions — but he is also able to listen to and practice hearing his woman.

A sensual man has artwork like humor and communication because he possesses attributes like self-awareness, integrity, kindness and empathy, and he knows that to fully connect with his woman is to express himself from his authentic heart.

Artwork Like Love

The expression of love is sensual in nature by default — especially when expressed with a full heart, compassion and much attentiveness.

No other emotion can elicit the depth of sensual, erotic feelings as pure love.

A sensual man is in touch with emotional intimacy and he’s not afraid to take the journey into higher states of love with his special woman. In fact, he invites change and personal transformation through love and connection.

I love how Chris Bales describes it when he said:

“There are cornerstones of a man’s development; sexual understanding and implementation is a huge part of the greater whole. Really learning how to be with a woman’s body and soul is a true art form which requires deep listening and a commitment to presence.”

A sensual man is artwork like love because he understands that to love is to be present with love. He is a man who is in touch with his masculinity, yet cherishes and fully respects the sacred gifts discovered in his woman’s femininity; and he will charge forward in love wholeheartedly — the artwork of a sensual man.

Originally published by P.S I love You on Medium

life, Love and Connection, Nonfiction, relationships, Romance, sexuality

The Things You Should Think Twice About Telling Your Lover

Say what you mean.

I don’t know about you, but saying what I mean usually manifests between either delivering my opinion straight from the hip and dead-center with the people in my life, or an awkward bunch of words skimming around the point in an attempt to avoid hurting feelings.

Yes, I have a tendency leaning toward the blunt side, depending on the matter at hand, what kind of mood I’m in and who’s standing in front of me.

The fact is that the blunt side of me is both a blessing and a curse, which finds me biting my tongue more often than not to then reselect my choice of words.

It’s true that I might sometimes forget to soften the word-delivery, or that I’m just plain clueless with how it comes out. Other times, I’ll produce a nice verbal slice in the exact way intended.


I just said what I meant. Again.

Granted, those “boom” moments are usually the same ones when my husband might be inclined to call me a bitch. But hey, if I’m going to be blunt with anyone in this world, it’s going to be him.

At least he doesn’t have to play guessing games when it comes to me. Well, for the most part, that is, because this article is about the things we should think twice about telling our partners.

He doesn’t know everything about me.

Say What You Mean

A lot of things hinge on your ability to be honest with your lover. If you can say what you mean and actually mean what you say, you get to experience deeper connection and greater love.

Moreover, it’s no secret that open communication is key to a successful relationship. Better communication between you and your lover definitely helps to strengthen trust and support, which leads to more confidence in the relationship.

It’s how we fully connect and bond with our mate.

This might sound sentimental (and maybe a bit dreamy); but I like to think of love like a meadow of wildflowers. If we don’t want our wildflowers to wilt and die, we must water them. Similarly, if we don’t want our love to suffer from lack of nourishment, we mustn’t let our communication become a drought.

Fact is fact: Miscommunication sucks.

I mean, we all know that horrible feeling you get in your stomach when there has been a severe bout of miscommunication with your mate.

Right? It feels as if your gut is twisting inside out as you try to find a way to fix things.

But, is it really necessary to always say what you mean to your lover?

I think not.

Communication with your mate is vital in keeping the spark and love alive between you, but as far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to tell your partner everything under the sun. In fact, keeping a few thoughts to yourself can be favorable, especially if they don’t contribute to your relationship in a positive way.

I like how relationship and dating expert, Jonathon Bennett puts it when he says:

“Total honesty isn’t always the best policy …. if revealing this information will serve no real purpose, or if it will cause hurt feelings, then it may be something worth keeping to yourself.”

I couldn’t agree more.

With that in mind, and a generous side of sweetly-blunt banter, here are three things that might be best kept to yourself when it comes to your lover — like:

The Dirt on Past Relationships

Okay, so your ex was a crucial part of your life.

You shared time together. Obviously, he or she meant something to you.

I know that it feels natural to want to talk about your ex with your newest beau and that at some point, your ex will probably come up in your discussions — but the whole ex-topic talk really is like treading treacherous waters.

You don’t want to sound bitter or obsessive, and you definitely don’t want to reveal the dirt on what went wrong in that relationship.


Because no one really wants to hear about it. No joke.

Personally, I’m not interested in hearing the ‘ins’ and ‘outs’ of my husband’s past relationships, nor do I tell him about mine.

And while we are lingering in this corner of truth, I’m going to go ahead and suggest that even the most confident among us cannot help but experience a touch of comparisonitis with whoever came before us.

God forbid if it was someone who resembled Jessica Alba on a bad day.

We don’t want to be Jessica Alba, or like any other ex for that matter.

We’re not her.

Nor is your man Brad Pitt.

The moral to this story is this:

You’re on a clean slate now — a new beginning with a new life stretching before you, filled with more opportunities to learn and grow from past relationships enough to make the next one even better.

Besides, the way you speak about your ex says more about you than it does about them; and to be sure, bitterness and grudge-holding are not attractive by any means.

Justin Myers from GQ Magazine reinforces the point when he says: “Your new partner will have endured heartbreak too; don’t be afraid to open up. The key, though, is to focus on the positive.”

It’s also worth mentioning that your current partner is not your ex and shouldn’t have to bleed for old hurts caused by others — whether it’s trust issues or not, your past demons are yours to conquer and not someone else’s.

Avoid transferring old love-patterns and behaviors into a brand-new union by spilling the dirt on what happened with your ex — your partner is not your shrink.

Sex with Past Lovers

No brainer, right?


Well, it should be.

Before we get into the ooh-la-la of relationships, just a quick reminder that you never have sex with just a body; it’s a shared experience with another person, and that makes the act sacred.

Okay, I realize it can be somewhat natural to share little tidbits about an especially gifted lover with a friend every now and then — maybe you’ve hit the jackpot in the junk department and your bed has suddenly transformed into an erotic sex scene from Don Jon.

When your world is rocking to the beat of Meg Myers’, Desire, ican be hard to keep it completely to yourself.

I have to admit that this is particularly true for women when it comes to the art of oral sex — our mental cunnilingus list probably includes every guy we’ve slept with who is naturally skilled and proficient at tongue direction.

And we’ll always remember this vital piece of intel about other men who we haven’t slept with, too. This stuff just stays with us.

Like a permanent impression.

In light of the above-mentioned points, it might be tempting to share the gifts of past lovers with your current partner.

Don’t. Just don’t.


Because it’s very uncool, that’s why.

No one needs to go down the self-doubt path and wonder if they are as good as your ex-lover in the bedroom.

Life, love and relationships are trivial enough.

For instance, I know that my husband had sex with a lot of other women before he met me, but that doesn’t mean I want the lowdown on the juicy details.

No. Thank you.

And honestly, he doesn’t want to know if my past lovers were better or worse at oral sex, either.

The thing about sex is that it is different with each partner. Nobody will ever feel the same way between the sheets — some lovers will feel more natural than others.

Like an energetic fire-blend of pure and raw lovemaking.

They are usually the same lovers who will feel distinctly special; as if you are intimately involved in a higher energy-fusion where you experience deep connection on all levels — not unlike a “home” feel.

Other lovers may feel more like a squatter looking for somewhere to hole up for a good chunk of your life.

Erm …. and that’s because with each new lover, the love that you make through the connection essentially creates its own sexy and unique vibrational pulse.

Like an intimate, soulful sex dance for two.

Consider this quote from Sexuality as a Sacred Power:

“Sexuality itself is a sacred life force and the conceiving power in the universe. When we allow it to flow freely, it elicits deep feelings of longing, desire and passion, and in the blissful unifying act produces immense healing for our bodies and souls.”

Obviously, the details of such authentic and sacred experiences should be honored in a way that credits your sexual union with past lovers — keep your lips zipped.

Your Opinion About Your Lover’s Friends & Family

“A fool is made more of a fool, when their mouth is more open than their mind.”

― Anthony Liccione

Need I say more?

Alright, so you can clearly see that his best buddy is a complete oxymoron. You find it difficult to tolerate someone who is a walking hypocrite at the best of times and has trouble understanding anything remotely out of his scope of awareness.

Life is full of people like that.

Or it might be that your mate’s mother is a total control freak who gives you the evil eye when your lover isn’t looking and dishes out underhanded comments when he’s out of earshot.

Frustrating, right?

I get it.

But as tempting as it might be to have a running-rant about it to your one-and-only; it’s not always wise to share exactly what you’re thinking about your partner’s friends and family.


Because getting into a serious relationship with another person means that you are also entering a world that existed before you came along. That equates to sucking up the annoying friend and playing nice with the potential in-laws from time to time.

More from Bennett:

“Unless the family (or friend) is creating some sort of toxic situation — in which case you should speak up, and let your partner know — there’s really no need to share minor things you dislike about your partner’s loved ones.”

In short, keep your opinions to yourself on this one and don’t give others the power to come between your love for your mate. Real connection is too important, and oversharing might damage your bond.

A good rule-of-thumb in this department is to tread lightly when it comes to your partner’s other important relationships — and if you must speak up, do so respectfully and practice more listening than talking.

At the end of the day, thinking twice about telling your lover everything is about considering their feelings and realizing that your time together is wasted on revealing unnecessary things — Say what you mean; just don’t say it all.

Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium.

life, Love and Connection, relationships, sexuality

The Things You Should Never Share About Someone You Love

Just the other day, my mother went to tell me about someone else’s personal business. I instantly rejected the conversation about a relative who feels the need to share with my mom all the ins and outs of her relationship. From her sex life to money matters; to the hottest topic to land on this week’s quibble-table — she divulges everything. It’s no wonder her relationship is mostly miserable, and that she’s whining on the other end of my mother’s phone every other week. They were right, those people who said that there is No Honor Among Thieves.

It might sound a bit dramatic, but spilling your guts about someone you love in such a personal way is a bit like theft — Trust-theft.

Sure, every now and then we might need to talk to someone about our personal lives and relationships, we may even be tempted to vent. But doing so can be harmful and hurtful to the one you love. I mean, unless you are experiencing a major issue or crisis in your relationship, rarely can anything good come out of others sticking their nose into your business.

Right? Our relationships, feelings and love are about as personal as our business gets. Here are five things I think you should never share about someone you love and the reasons why it’s better to keep your mouth shut:

Private Messages

Private messages are exactly what the name implies; private. Whether it be emails, text messages or personal messages via social media or any other means, if the message was meant for you, keep it that way.


The above-mentioned messages are still considered conversations between two people. When I send a personal message to my partner, I do so in confidence and trust that he won’t air it to his best friend and vice-versa. The same rings true for any personal message I send to those in my life.

Whether the message is romantic and intimate or a little on the nasty side following a disagreement, the correspondence between you and the person you love makes for building trust and intimacy within your relationship.

So, that means sharing the content of text messages and private emails is a fast way to destroy what intimacy you’ve got going on between you. You don’t want your partner to think every single conversation you have is going to be open to everyone, and I’m certain that if the shoe was on the other foot you’d be mortified too.

And as For Those Grudge-Messages . . .

Don’t be one of those people who hold onto messages to use as future ammunition against your mate after you’ve broadcasted the contents to your friends. Remember that relative who I mentioned earlier? She has a backlog of these waiting to strike when her man aggravates her. It’s a bit like gathering spears of poison to inject into your life.


It is unhealthy for your relationship because collecting and/or copying those messages for a future throw-back is grudge-holding behavior that will slowly kill the trust between you.

Here’s what Nathan Feiles from Psyche Central has to say about it:

“Grudges are essentially an emotional process that becomes stuck and unable to move forward. As a result, people who hold grudges are often in a state of mental and emotional distress. So much energy is focused on negative and spiteful feelings that it overtakes the relationship altogether.”

Everyone loses when a grudge is held. Let it go and seek ways to loosen any emotional grudge-holding patterns your behavior reinforces — which may mean working on the communication in your relationship or finding a skilled therapist to help you move forward.


Yes, keep your mouth shut about cheating.

If either of you commits infidelity, keep the dirty laundry in the dirty laundry basket and clean it up yourself. I know, it’s natural to want to cry on someone’s shoulder and seek those who will support our position when we get hurt, only the fewer players involved in this game, the better.

If you really need to talk to someone, it’s best to seek support in the form of a professional therapist during these delicate situations and not your immediate circle.


Because it is your relationship and your decision about whether it is worth fighting for or not — and not best friend’s or your mother’s. A professional therapist has the unbiased skill set to help you heal from the betrayal, while those close to you may do more harm than good because their feelings will be influenced by their connection to you.

People are people and none of us are perfect. A large part of being human is learning and growing from our mistakes, as well as our ability to forgive. The same holds true in knowing when to walk away from someone and realizing its time to begin something new.

Only you know what’s best for yourself and no one really understands the dynamics happening in your relationship. Also, if you do stay together, you risk tainting your friend’s or family’s perception of your partner — or yourself if you were the one to stray.

Your Sex Life

I used to have a friend who enjoyed talking about the nitty gritty’s of her sex life. So much so, that I’d almost feel as if I was involved in a threesome. Almost. I found myself redirecting the conversation a lot of the time because I felt awkward knowing intimate things about a man with whom I wasn’t involved.

Broadcasting the details of what happens in your bedroom makes your intimacy a group activity — where you’re having sex, how often you have it or don’t have it, your partner’s sexual fantasies and delicious little kinks — all of that raunchy intimate stuff should be kept between you and your mate; and maybe your sheets.


Because sex is the greatest expression of love that two people can share; in body and in spirit. Making love to someone is the physical representation of your complete union. It is the ultimate language of love that should not be compromised by becoming someone else’s entertainment or fantasy.

Sex is love without limits.

Consider this statement from Deborah Anapol Ph.D.,

“Sex is sacred because of its role in bonding. Mutually satisfying sexual exchanges naturally intensify bonding … Sex opens the heart only if we bring the energy up … the awakening all of the senses, tuning in to subtle energy, letting go of judgment and blame, expressing gratitude for the gift of life, and savoring the present moment are wonderfully supportive tools for intimate relating.”

Lovemaking essentially creates intimate fusion, reaching deep and soul-sacred levels. Don’t kiss and tell that kind of stuff — speaking it out loud to others somehow betrays the reconciliation of energies; and sharing those beautiful experiences will spoil the union.

If, on the other hand, you’re having problems in the bedroom, discuss it with your partner. Otherwise, speak with a therapist who can help you figure out why you’re having these issues.

Your Lover’s Secrets

“Trust is easy to lose and hard to get back.”

— Kristie Overstreet

Your mate loves you. Trusts you. You might be the only person in the world who sees every part of them; you are their soft landing place in an uncertain world brimming with strangers. Throughout our lives, we experience very few people with whom we give our trust enough to share our inner-most thoughts and feelings.

So, don’t betray that precious trust.


Trust is at the core of any relationship. Without it, we have little foundation on which to build a great bond with the person we love.

If your mate tells you something confidential, keep your mouth zipped.

Whether it is a buried skeleton in their closet, a long-held secret burden or deep insecurity — if your partner has chosen to confide in you, it is super important to maintain their confidence.

We all have skeletons in our closets. Well, most of us.

When your mate tells you something deep about themselves, breaking their trust is not only disrespectful but will undermine their ability to trust you if they ever find out. The other thing about it is that blabbering your partner’s secrets to your friends will cause weirdness between them and your partner.

Then, of course, the inevitable will happen — you’ll end up feeling crappy for it. We do receive the same kind of energy we put out into the universe.

People talk all the time. We are so busy talking and posting the latest on social media that we can easily become disconnected from what’s real or oblivious to the feelings of others.

We forget discretion is a virtue. And we don’t always remember how to hold our truest connections in esteem.

At the end of the day, your relationship, feelings and the way you want to love someone is nobody else’s damned business.

There is No Honor Among Thieves.

Originally published by P.S I Love You on Medium.

Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Soul, Women

The Art of Making Love to a Woman

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”

– Aristotle

One of the greatest aspects of being in love has to be the connectedness and intimacy involved in the act of making love. Think about it — Sex is energy. So, when we qualify sex with love, we tap into pure life-force energy that directly connects us to something greater than ourselves. It is true.If can we approach the act with the intention to experience love authentically, it’s like treating our sex-lives to a big injection of heavenly rocket-fuel. Making love is unification of the highest order. But the real art of making love is lost on so many of us.

Meaningful. Expressive. Persuasive. Awakening.

No other act is as powerfully symbolic as lovemaking as the unfolding of a life of two people being presently conscious to become one — not only in co-mingling of body, but in spirit and soul. As Elliot D. Cohen puts it: “Making love is inspirational because it signifies and embodies two mutually living as one.”

Making love is more than just great sex. It would be a mistake think otherwise. I spent more years than I care to remember believing that I knew what making love was all about when in reality, the opposite was true.

That’s not to say that sexual desire and intimacy wasn’t present in my relationships — it most definitely was. But the sexual encounters never felt overly meaningful. I couldn’t actually gage the depth of my partner’s feelings for me between the sheets because although affectionate and loving, the sex was based purely on satisfying our sexual desires. Making love is so much more.

What’s the difference, then?

Well, a lot actually.

Love-making is distinct from mere sex as it breaches the flume between you and me in an act of mutual consciousness of absolute unity without segregation.

Sounds like an intense riddle. Just a bit.

Let’s unravel.

Desire for sexual pleasure is one of the most powerful feelings known to us. It’s innate, beautiful, raw and sometimes primitive, and the very act responsible for why you are able to read these words in this moment.

No, really.

Happy birthday.

However, the distinction between “making love” and “having sex” is in the nature of intended fulfillment.

In other words, sexual love is more about quenching one’s sexual appetite, whereas making love is based on meaningful, conscious and emotional connection.

“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

– Woody Allen

The following according to philosopher Alan Goldman:

“Sexual desire is a mechanical activity. Rubbing, touching, caressing, kissing, sucking, biting, and, of course, intercourse, as fulfillments of a desire for physical contact, are all sexual activities in this sense.”

Okay, having “normal” sex is not such a bad thing. Hot nights of lusty wild sex with your partner can be fun and satisfying. But a woman loves it when a man knows how make love to her. And that is because there’s a lot more care, connection and emotion involved than just taking off your clothes and going at it.

Mind you, it doesn’t mean that every time you have sex with someone you love it has to be categorized as making love. In fact, as beautiful as it is, this type of loving should be saved for when the time feels right because it is such an intimate act.

So, how about that opening quote from Aristotle?

It is said that the Greek philosopher wrote the quote based on mythology written about his mentor, Plato.

From Philosiblog:

“The story goes that humans were originally made with four arms, four legs and were half male and half female. After conspiring to climb Mount Olympus, Zeus ordered them cut in half. Since that day, every human spends their life searching for their other half.”

I know, that little tale sounds rather far-fetched and perhaps a tad on the Sci-Fi side, but mythology often has a way of carrying an inexplicable resonance through the ages. In this case, Aristotle was hitting on the crucial meeting of souls — the deep sense of “wholeness” or “home” when encountering someone with whom feels like a part of you.

Through love-making, a couple’s past, present, and future — hopes, dreams, and expectations coalesce as one, and not two persons. A total fusion of body and soul where love transcends space, time and physicality as they surrender to separateness to inclusion of the other.

Lovers in every sense of the word.

Forget banging, getting laid, getting it on, and all of those different ways to have sex. More than any of that, a woman often wants to make love to the man she loves. And really, can you blame her?

Having said all of that, a man must be able to not only successfully lead the act, but be a conscious participant in the unfolding of love with his woman.

The Art of Making Love to a Woman is:

Taking Your Sweet Time

With everything.

Making love doesn’t just begin in the bedroom. It is a hot and interesting mind-play with promises of the love to come. Think of it like a sensual slow dance consisting of flirty comments, lingering looks and a spicy text message or two.

I love it when my partner unexpectedly pings me with a provocative message through the day, or approaches me from behind in the morning and huskily murmurs in my ear when I’m busy getting the kids ready for school. It let’s me know what’s on his mind and makes me feel sexy — which is exactly how you want a woman to feel when planning a lovemaking session.

This is the intentional art of “layering” foreplay which speaks to a woman’s emotional side and definitely primes her mood for sex.

Ensuring that you are Kissable

This is important. Nothing will pull a woman out of a love-trance quicker than stinky balls and a smelly butt. Sorry, have to go here for a moment…

Please tend to your personal hygiene before you touch your woman. This means taking a shower and lathering up with soap or body wash, paying extra attention to your below-bits.

Making love involves a lot of lip and tongue action, and I am quite certain you would like your woman to put her mouth down south, yes?

No brainer.

Sidenote: Clipped and smooth nails are ideal for obvious reasons, and a trimmed manscape is muchly appreciated, too.

Getting the Mood Right

I prefer muted lighting when getting sexy. Thankfully, my fella knows how to set the mood to dim and sultry:

Candles create a sexy atmosphere and are easy on the senses which means all senses can focus on the important stuff like … hmm 

Erotic love and deep romance.

Music should be on the sensual side and not too loud. The right tunes will help keep you attuned with the scene — this means avoiding genres like Hard Rock, Grunge or Metal.

Save Metallica for the morning run and go for something groovy-soul-sexy such as Paula Cole’s, Feelin’ Love or Berlin’s classic, Take my Breath Away.

“Somewhere there’s a love in flames”.

(Check out this Soul Lovers playlist to give you some ideas.)

Savoring your Senses

Intense eye contact. Slow and deliberate touches. The taste of her body; her mouth and thighs. The sweet scent of her hair and musky wildflowers as she swells and opens up for you.

Making love is being present with your partner.

Take each moment seriously — it’s about connecting and finding yourself within the other; if you want to really find out how to make love to a woman, you’ll need to be serious about it and leave the jokes aside. At least, for the moment.

Believe me, she will be able to feel the difference in your emotional state during sex. Make sure she feels what you intend for her know in her heart and soul — what she means to you — which will translate into some unforgettable lovemaking.

A Slow and Beautiful Tease

“You get me closer to god”

– Lyrics from Closer by NIN

Granted, it’s not the ideal song for a love-making session, but there is something about those lyrics that ring true here — this is the place where you want to be and where you are headed; that place you can only experience with your senses, body and soul. The sweet realm you will never be able to quite remember but won’t ever forget.

It’s in your mindset and intention to surrender to pure love and soul dance.

You will get closer to “God” by slowly teasing her. Peu à peu. This is not a race to the end, my love. You’re not a stallion galloping to your stable. You are a magnificent lover who is in touch with himself and knows how to be with a woman’s body and soul.

Stroke her with the backs of fingers as you slowly undress her and follow with your lips. Use warm scented oil that is mouth friendly to draw out every moment.

Build the sexual tension until she begs for you take her; then, tease and tantalize your love-child some more.

Finding Intimate Positions

This isn’t looking down her back and gripping her hair during intercourse.

e.g. Doggy style is not a good position to go for when you are making love to a woman. It’s primal and detached, and exactly the opposite of what you want when lovemaking.

A huge part of how to make love to a woman involves face-to-face positions for the closet possible contact. You want intimate positions that allow for deep penetration, grinding instead of thrusting and great pacing.

Positions where you can start out easy and prolong the great tease with your … erm … very clean junk? Driving her wild so that she grinds against you like an insatiable pussycat pleading to feel more of you.

Divine. Love. Orgasmic. Heaven.

Becoming Attuned to Your Mate

At this point, you are so far into the tango-flame-game that you’re working it together in perfect synergy. You become distinctly aware of your partner’s responses — breathing, sighing, moans and body movements.

As Cohen so eloquently reminds us:

“Transcend the self-interested desire for sexual satisfaction so that your sexual partner’s self becomes yours, and conversely, making the goal of other-regarding sex moot.”

Enjoy your unique and beautiful love-language and keep talking to a minimum. You don’t want to break the sexy, intimate flow you’ve been working so hard to create.

And don’t forget to…

Hold her Afterwards

And speak of your love.

She is divine femininity; your Yin to your Yang; your precious woman who opens herself for you. If loved the right way, she’ll be your fire crucible — your eternal lover, safe place and world.


Treasure the moments; because each one experienced in that sacred place existing for sexy-soul lovers is an unrepeatable, magical gift.

The Art of Making Love to a Woman.

Soul Lovers Playlist

Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Uncategorized

What Makes a Woman Great in Bed?

“Sex is the most fun thing you can have without smiling” — Madonna Ciccone

Madonna is one of the most influential female recording artists of all time. Her legacy transcends music and has been studied by sociologists and historians the world over. She modernized the music video, pioneered the contemporary concert extravaganza, and her 1991 documentary In Bed with Madonna paved the way for reality TV. She brought female sexuality front and center and liberated women worldwide.

Madonna demonstrated to women and girls everywhere what it truly meant to freely express yourself and go after your dreams. She is a cultural icon; a damn sexy woman, and she represents everything that I admire and respect in a woman.

Madonna is many things but I daresay that she has never been accused of being a dead lay. You know what I’m talking about — the chicks who are referred to as a “starfish” or a “dead fish” in the bedroom when they lay there like an inactive frog and let their partners do all the work.

Putting it like that, it’s easy to see the frustration element here.


The urban dictionary cites a “dead lay” as:

“Someone (male or female) that is so bad at sex you may as well be [sleeping with] a corpse, although a corpse may sometimes be livelier.”


Almost sounds worse than necrophilia. You’ve just got to love the Urban Dictionary for its colorful definitions.

Quite a while ago and Like a Virgin, I was rather concerned about the whole “dead lay” thing. I hadn’t yet slept with a guy but I had heard enough tittle-tattles floating around about girls who were labeled a dead lay after having sex with a boy.

I know, I know. It sounds positively harsh and judgmental. I mean, it wasn’t as if any of the girls and guys involved were experienced and worldly in the realm of sex at the time. Still, as I began to dip my proverbial toes into sexuality, the idea of sucking (not literally) in the bedroom appalled me. I didn’t want to be a dead lay.

I wanted to be like Madonna. Without the virgin part.

Madonna was the definition of raw, untamed female sensuality. She was the woman who owned femininity with attitude and monopolized a perverse and smutty brand of elegant, lusty, in-ya-face sexuality.


Not. So Much.

Anyway, witnessing Madonna’s flaunting antics influenced me to explore my own desires in a deep and unhindered way. The repercussions? I eventually blossomed into sexual womanhood, not unlike a ripe, unfurling wildflower.


I had discovered the pleasures of sex.

“Sex is a core function of humanity. It plays a huge role in the physical health and vitality of the body. Sex is also an immense, universal force that can merge your spirit (your divine essence) with your body.” – Julia Piatt

Some women think sex isn’t such a big deal. They don’t make it a priority and can take it or leave it. Obviously, such a woman has never been thoroughly … um … serviced by a man (or another woman).

Admittedly, when the prospect of bad sex is staring me in the face, there isn’t a book I would deny as a substitute (so long as the title doesn’t begin with the number above 49).

It could be that a woman may have difficulties expressing her sexuality and emotional intimacy — both of which play a vital role in achieving deep connection with her spirituality and her lover, as well as propelling her toward greater spheres of self-actualization.

In my experience, sexuality, spirituality, and creative energy are really all parts of one whole. If you are expressed creatively, chances are that you will also be expressed sexually — and creativity is all about spiritual intimacy.

You cannot mistake a woman who is deeply in touch with her sexuality.

Personally, I think it radiates from within and colors her with sheer beauty, signaling via the little things like the swing of her hips when she walks, her mannerisms, and the degree of passion she holds for new experiences and adventure. She is probably creative, soulful, laughs easily, enjoys spontaneity, and relishes each of her sensory gifts.

In short, she possesses a distinct sensuality.

Sex expert Tracey Cox provides an accurate description when she says: “A woman who is sexually confident is adventurous and knows what she wants”.

i.e. Madonna.

So, what makes a woman a particularly great lover?

Long gone are the days where the people in my life kiss and tell (thank goodness). Albeit, when asked what makes a woman amazing in bed, they were more than happy to give me their take on the subject.

For fancy fun, I’m getting creative and using four of Madonna’s hottest tracks from her Erotica album to help describe what makes a woman great in bed — and she is:

Track #1 Erotica

Simply put, she loves sex.

A woman who is willing to try new and different things to rock her mate’s world as well as enhance her own experience is a woman who has a flare for [F…fill in the blank here].

We tend to be good at the things we love to do. People have their own ideas about what constitutes good sex, but really, the best indication of knowing if a woman is a great lover is as simple as how much she loves sex.

“Sex is involution (spirit descending) and evolution (physical ascending) meeting at the heart in an explosion of pure love.” – Julia Piatt

A woman is a great lover when she recognizes that sex is an expression of passion, deep connection and love; and she will offer herself to the moment with abandonment.

Track #2 Fever

A sexually successful woman is driven by fire.

She moans in the bedroom — but not too much.

Sex with a woman who is deadly quiet is …well … not unlike the dead lay really. It can be unnerving to her lover because a man relies on his woman’s moans and groans as feedback that she’s having a good time.

Besides, if you ask me, it can be near impossible to not flagrantly express the overflow of orgasmic tension and release in the bedroom.

Though, I believe the “screamer” is somewhat unsettling. You know, those gals who make an ear-aching racket during sex. Cringe. Honestly, I’m not entirely certain if those women exist outside of porn and movies, but just in case… somewhere in between does just nicely.

Track #3 Deeper and Deeper

There is an extremely arousing dark side to male sexuality that operates on an intrinsically primitive level. When a woman unleashes it, she is going to see evidence of raw and uncontrollable emotion in her man.

It’s like an orchestrated symphony of sexual honesty that will unlock an uncharted path towards intense desire and vulnerability; and it’s profoundly beautiful.

A woman who is a great lover aspires to tap into her mate’s essence — she seeks to unravel his primal urges and needs, and she will make it her Holy Grail of the sex act.

Track #4 Where Life Begins


“Having a partner that’s more concerned with pleasing you is a turn on for most, so imagine what the results could be if both partners have this mentality.”

Sex expert Kevin Darné

Lips play a pivotal role in the sexual activity of man and are the symbolic representation of sensuality and sexuality for humans.

Lips are erotic pleasure for him.

Her lips will hold his inner-most secrets. A woman who knows how to really love a man has lips like purposepresence, and passion; she expresses her feelings through her kiss and isn’t too lady-like to give and receive oral sex.

In fact, how much someone enjoys giving and receiving oral sex is the marker of a great lover because putting your mouth on someone else’s genitals and letting them do the same to you is an extremely intimate act.

A woman makes a great lover when she is willing to give as good as she gets. Her partner’s satisfaction is important to her. She knows that sex is messy, sweaty, and never lady-like. Yet, she appreciates every sacred and erotic moment.

Perhaps we could all benefit by taking a page from Madonna’s outlook-book when she says:

“Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don’t judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.”

Originally published by Sexography on Medium.

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Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Soul, Women

The Healing Gifts of Deep Sexual Union

It’s time we began to figure it out.

When we think of a powerfully embodied human, certain characteristics immediately come to mind. To be powerfully embodied is to have a deep understanding of who you are and how your actions affect others. It’s the ability to manage your emotions and act from your authentic heart-center; it’s being able to overcome your fears enough to follow your dreams and live your deepest truths.

Powerfully embodied humans possess attributes like self-awareness, integrity, kindness and empathy; they do not walk through life hurting others.

A powerfully embodied human is in touch with their sexual power and emotional intimacy.

An individual who possesses the above-mentioned qualities is also someone who is deeply actualized and expressed in their sexuality. In reality, it is uncommon to encounter such a person. Perhaps this is because taboo, narrow-mindedness and warped sexual hang-ups have managed to drench the purity and power of human sexuality and connectedness.

The true meaning of sexual empowerment has been lost on most of us beneath a tsunami of misconceptions, suppression and misuse.

None so much as the ultimate gift to man; the healing qualities of the sexually realized feminine — Woman.

We are keen get to the page to share our viewpoints about our experiences; lessons learned and the key take-aways. We’re offering ways on how to live a better life; maintain healthier relationships; balance our mental health and make positive change. The key to unlocking personal empowerment and well-being can be discovered in a matter of clicks. Yet, rarely do we acknowledge the one and most important element to actually achieving true inner-connectedness — to each other, and to spirit and prosperity — the art of sacred sexuality.

“Sexuality is a superpower. The healing of sexuality is perhaps the most revolutionary step in the present healing work after thousands of years of suppression and neglect.”

Dieter Duhm

Sexuality has a spiritual reality which plays a huge part in conscious connection, awakening and self-awareness. The link between sexuality and spirituality is strong and acts as a sacred bridge between our physicality and our soul. It is through sex that we discover and connect to the whole of the universe.

Through the ages, mystics have known and taught that sexuality is the outer physical manifestation of a spiritual urge to have mystical union with the eternal spirit. Tantric Yoga teaches that our natural desire and urge for sexual expression can become a means to union with source energy or God and is “at its highest level of human expression”.

It is crazy-mad how much intellect and energy we use to suppress, hide and redirect our sexual energy. Equally interesting is that sexuality has been deduced to just a strong biological urge or the simple purpose to procreate. Time has tarnished the authentic sexual union to a gratifying, often voyeuristic or casual encounter. We have actually learned to feel shame about our natural desires, passion and longing.

The result has found us existing in an age where our desire for sexual connection has been downgraded to lower forms of sexual expression.

But none of this can diminish the spiritual significance or the real spiritual truth underlying the relationship between sexuality and spirituality. No amount of unawareness can actually omit the fact that sexuality itself is a sacred life force and the conceiving power in the universe — no matter how far suppressing female sexuality was the main tool of domination during the patriarchal era.

Carl Jung believed there was more to the libido than what psychologists had attributed solely to the sexual drive when he declared: “In truth, the libido is a life force or urge to life itself.”

In its simplest terms, life force energy is the intelligent powerful energy from God or source energy to creation. It connects us to everything in existence and without it, there is no existence. Many cultures from ancient civilizations up until modern day science have been aware of an energy surrounding living organisms.

We know that this higher-intelligent energy exists.

The Healing Gifts of the Sacred Feminine.

“Woman has so much to bring to this planet once she is loved upon and supported. She is here as a powerful service to love and life. But we have spent history mishandling her. Raping and pillaging her resources, controlling her; assuming that she is limited. She is not limited. Woman is entirely unlimited when she is of aliveness. Powerful sex is a method of stoking the fires of life within. It keeps us alight.”

“Master Energy Worker, Sexual Alchemist and Spiritual Guide.”

Chris Bale

A woman who is well-sexed is like the most lustrous star in a night sky. She is a creative force who thrives and glows to her natural rhythm; she is alive and obvious, and she carries a certain type of magic that unfurls, transforms and embellishes everything she touches.

A well-sexed woman soars above all, but she is almost elusive.

Bale, who has had many years of experience assisting countless women with energetic initiation says: “There are cornerstones of a man’s development; sexual understanding and implementation is a huge part of the greater whole. Really learning how to be with a woman’s body and soul is a true art form which requires deep listening and a commitment to presence.

Learning to be and to stay present with her is where our healing exists … do not underestimate the necessity of figuring this out. It will grant you a very different experience in this life.”

Chris Bale is a man who has come to realize the sacred power and healing in the feminine. A rarity among men who understands that a woman who is deeply in touch with her feminine sexual power is a like blazing flume — a love-channel of life, spirit and pure healing energy that allows, in full freedom and trust, to energetically express our joy in life and find healing in the sacred union.

Being loved upon is like soul syrup to the feminine. Deep sex with a conscious and present man is like medicine.

Consider the following script from Tamera — Sexuality as Sacred Power:

“Before patriarchal religions introduced the concept of sex as “sinful,” which they used to dominate people, ancient tribes saw Eros as a natural path to connecting with the sacred. Ancient feminine mystery knowledge placed women at the center of the tribe, where they could connect to nature and the goddess and practice fertility and sexuality rituals. To people living in harmony with the natural rhythms of the Earth’s cycles and all life around them, sex was part of the sacred practice of transformation.”

Deep sex is embodied with deep nourishment.

A transformative healing takes place when a woman is well-sexed by her “present” man. This is because deep penetration and intense connectedness supports and guides a woman back to her core. It creates contemporary pathways toward the heart and body. It unleashes her from stress and anxiety and keeps her connected with her vibrating orgasmic consciousness and spirit — all of which she needs to remain in health.

Bale goes on to state that: “You are dealing with a beautifully wild and insatiable love monster, who’s staple is conscious-cock with heart.”

This is done through a man’s capacity for presence; through deliberate and present sexual union.

Essentially, we are talking about two people coming together in absolute fusion to make high forms of love and intentionally tap into the healing power available in the spirit of true sexuality; lovers creating the space that allows us to trust, connect and touch upon the euphoric pleasures and essence of the universal reality of sexuality.

There lies the path and power of true healing for humanity; and there exists in all its wonderful glory the key to true self-realization and empowerment.

I cannot help but agree with Bale when he mentions that “every woman wants to feel her man’s reverence and honor between her thighs — She wants her heart to be f**ked wide open via his love; his conscious-cock and his firm connection with heart.”

“She wants to feel your Godliness, and she longs to drip down upon it, feeding your deepest essence with her nectar.”

Imagine a world when we begin to actually figure it out?

Start figuring it out. Please.

Originally published by Illumination on Medium

Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Soul, Women

What Makes a Man an Unforgettable Lover?

There are those among us who think of sex as nothing more than a means to an end. It often starts out this way, during those tempestuous teen years when our raging hormones demand that we explore the alluring world of sex. Sex is a built-in motive we lust after to satisfy our ardent curiosity as well as our growing physiological needs.

We have all been there.

The first guy I had sex with had an insatiable sex drive. He was more experienced than me but once we started, it was on for young and old – anywhere, anytime. It didn’t matter where we were or who was around, there was a time when his hand almost became a permanent addition in my panties.

Hmm … maybe that’s where my love of fingers originated. He did have skill in the finger department, but that’s about where it ended.

Our relationship lasted for 5 years before we called it quits. He thought that he’d be able to come back and marry me some future day when he was ready. I thought otherwise, and it had nothing to do with the fact that although we had been highly active in the bedroom, he wasn’t a great lover.


It’s like the million-dollar question for women everywhere. We can never quite tell for sure if a man is going to be great in the sack until we’re actually rolling in it with him. I mean, every man knows the basics – give her a smooch; fondle her here; rub there; part her thighs and hammer in. But that’s just sex.  

Any guy can sex it up but that doesn’t make him an unforgettable lover.

Personally, I feel as if the tell-tale signs of a man’s sexual prowess may be prevalent through his developed tastes, level of creativity and small nuances outside of the bedroom.

Men who have a creative side and practice extracurricular activities are usually more broad-minded, soulful and more in tune with their senses and with life. As are those men who are spontaneous and adventurous – who are not uptight or feel the need to schedule every minute of every day. Guys with these types of characteristics tend to show up in the bedroom and make for better lovers.

My ex-boyfriend was all about the visual senses and fast-action and less about exploring and developing sensual pleasures and savouring my body. His arousal was defined by handling me as if I was his sex-toy – here to serve and please his desires with little regard for my own. He enjoyed my body, but only to the extent his primitive style of passion allowed. In other words, he was never interested in refining his skills as a lover – and no, he didn’t possess a creative flair or a deep passion to experience life in new ways.

He was rather humdrum.  

Not every man or woman is actually interested in taking the time to learn how to be a great lover, opting instead to remain a lousy lay and/or continue to see sex as a means to an end – orgasmic release or an act carried out for the purpose of pro-creation.

Both viewpoints are kind of dull if you ask me. Imagine if we only had sex to procreate?

Frustration. Overload.  

We are sexually driven creatures by nature and the fact is that sex is one of the greatest aspects of our humanity. Anyone who has experienced orgasmic heaven and real connection with an attentive lover can attest to that. Sex is pleasurable and fun; it helps to relieve stress and strengthens our relationships and connections – it is the ultimate expression of love.

Speaking of expressions of love, here’s a few ultimate traits that I consider vital in making a man an unforgettable lover:

Lips Like Seduction

Kissing can be totally amazing or … erm … worthy of a good cringe followed by a fast excuse to bail out.

The way a man kisses a woman is a huge indication of his underlying passion to connect deeply – and deep connection is what makes an unforgettable lover.

But please don’t throw in the towel too early. We all know that first kiss can be a little nerve-wracking and less-than-perfect what with the pressure and all – but if it begins to heat up and gets you all bothered, then pay attention, girl – you may have a Casanova on your hands!

An unforgettable lover knows how to use his lips like a seductive artform to induce a rush of deep arousal in his woman; and he enjoys every moment of building the sexual tension through his kiss.

Passion Like Fever

Love is the most important element in a relationship and passion is the fire that helps to create total fusion. There must exist an intense sexual desire for your partner and a deep need to express strong emotion through love-making to reach the next level in intimacy.

Sometimes, the only way to channel and express our emotions in totality is through the act of sex. Like an outlet for our deepest and most sacred parts. We cannot always fully articulate the depth of our feelings to the person we love – so, when words are not enough, we use our bodies; bonding through our passion can convey infinitely beautiful feelings.  

An unforgettable lover possesses and expresses his feelings in his lover’s touch – he isn’t afraid to show his love for his woman through acts of unbridled passion.       

Attentiveness Like Arousal

The most unforgettable lovers are the ones who are in tune with their woman and are attentive to her needs and desires in the bedroom.

Forget the 5-minute wham-bam. There will be no thank you, ma’am’s from this side of the table. A man who is an unforgettable lover knows the importance of pacing; he’s the real chill-deal who relishes sweet sensations and sensual caresses, and he will take his cues from his woman – her pleasure is his greatest turn-on.

Psychology Today: “One of women’s main sexual complaints about their lovers is that men rush into intercourse before women feel ready for genital play.”

I can’t tell you how many times my lady friends have expressed the very same thing – slow down and then get a little slower.

An unforgettable lover considers his lover’s entire body his erotic playground and savours every inch – he knows how to prime her for the main event.

But not before…  

Tongue Like Erotica

It would be impossible to not add the fine and delicate art of cunnilingus to a list of traits constituting an unforgettable lover. He must honor the pussy who he seeks to take and if he can’t or won’t give her the gift of his passionate kiss in her most intimate parts, then all cards are off the table.

More than just eating pussy; it’s a constitution that requires developed skill and intentional attention to tap into and connect with his woman’s essence via his lips and tongue.

An unforgettable lover has a strong desire to know his woman’s body and learn what turns her on. He wants to taste her sex – he knows that her scent is all his and he’ll push her to the edge of desire – allowing her to linger in the throes of erotica, lust and love as he ignites her inner-Sex Goddess.

An unforgettable lover is a man who has passion, patience and a deep sense of appreciation for love, connection and all of life. He is open to experiencing moments of vulnerability and probably has a delightful kinky side, too, but most importantly, he sees sex for what it really is – a gift. A beautiful, beautiful gift.  

Originally published by Sexography on Medium.

Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality

4 Ways to Make Her Feel Sexy When She’s Not in the Mood

She needs to feel like a woman if you want quality love.

Don’t balk. If you’re one of those men who constantly reminisce about the days when your woman used to swing it for you like Miley Cyrus on a Wrecking Ball because she’s no longer eager in the bedroom, I’m here to tell you that no amount of nostalgia will bring back those steamy sex sessions.

The days of romping around in bed all day are gone. Life happens and so do kids, work, mortgages and households.

One of my girlfriends has been with her man for some fifteen years. Three kids. Two careers. Most of the household responsibilities are on her.

He gets to leave for work in the early hours to return to a clean home, washed children and a hot meal every day.

She gets to leave for work after arranging the kid’s morning routines and dropping off to school, returning to a home that needs upkeeping, kids who need help with their homework, a meal that needs preparing and showers that need to partake if she wants to keep her kids clean.

She does.

He goes to bed at 8:30pm. He even has an alarm set on his phone to remind him of bedtime. One evening a week, it is sex-night.

After a year of couple counselling, they eventually made a written agreement which covered an array of the issues plaguing their relationship.

She wanted him to stop drinking, be more considerate, help out more around the house and with their children, as well as curb his passive-aggressive tendencies. 

He wanted Miley Cyrus back.

Huge difference. This was his number one (and two … maybe three) issue to prioritize his list of what he deemed the most important aspects in their relationship.


Nowadays, if she dares to renege on her part of the agreement (E.g. Tired), the shit hits the fan in the form of pouting lips, child-like griping and persistent critical jabs followed by bouts of speech that begin with the words: “Remember when you used to …”

Two things:

  1. A written agreement to sleep with your wife?
  2. Memories won’t bring back the passion, sir.

Neither will said agreement.

I mean, come on – it’s not neuroscience. If you feel as if sex is lacking in your relationship, the last thing that is going to work to recreate the sensual flames is to uphold a written agreement.

How about some thoughtfulness? A little action … effort?

How about adopting a mature and growth mindset, and taking the time to learn what makes her feel sexy?  

That’s something a written agreement cannot produce. No matter how many times you sign the damn thing.

Each woman is different. What makes me feel sexy might not work for every woman, but isn’t learning what makes her hot a tantalizing challenge to undertake?

We all want some pleasure in our lives. A little sexual release. Its natural.  

We change. None of us are the same people we were when we first met, which means adapting and evolving is essential to a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. Naturally this spills over into the love-making scene.

What made her horny years ago has probably revolutionized with her human development. Yours too. 

I can’t promise a Wrecking Ball scene, but let’s discuss some the hot stuff that may help to reignite her inner sex-goddess:

Mind-F**k Her

To the forward-thinking guy who seeks to give and receive pleasure from his woman, I couldn’t think of a better way to begin than mental stimulation.

Women are wired differently to men when it comes to sex. We need to feel a certain connection. It ripples into the sex. Trust me.

You don’t need a masters degree. You just have to bring something interesting to the pre-sex lingo.

Intriguing her mind will moisten her panties.

A need for mental connection is a must for many women in order to move ahead with her physical chemistry – this is true for new and seasoned relationships.

When you get to the “loving” part, it’s unbelievably mind-blowing.   

It’s like a sexuality continuum – desire begins and continues in the mind. When she is feeling connected and bonded to her man, the stimulation overflows into total love-flavored ecstasy.

Use Your Lips

I love lips. Even better when they’re whispering in my ear with your face close so that I can feel your warm breath and man-skin against my own.  

It’s just sexy.

It doesn’t even matter what you say, so long as you say it.

Lips are especially good for kissing too.

Deep, passionate Frenchies. Light feathery body grazes. Sensual sucking.


Kissing releases the body’s feel-good chemicals. I just discovered that thinking about it does too (mental stimulation right there).

Seriously, often the art of kissing is lost between long-term couples. Rekindle the passion with the gift of your beautiful lips. Make the moments count.

Lips are also particularly good for: Dirty talk. Compliments. Charm. Making her laugh – sexy stuff going on there.     

Erotic Massage

Hello fingers. 

Scented candles. Sexy vibes. Hot towels. Skin on skin.  

You’ll definitely want to make the oil an edible variety for where this scene is headed.

There is nothing quite like the sensation of touch to kickstart arousal. Follow it with a helping of number 2 and it’s more than happy days.

Benefits of sensual massage: Mental relaxation. Emotional rejuvenation. Sexual arousal. Stress relief. Helps to release negativity. Promotes intimacy and helps you let go of insecurities.

And besides, it just feels damned good.

Want to hear her moan?

Focus on her erogenous zones – the parts of her body with heightened sensitivity. This will create her sexual response.

Is it getting hot in here?

Be a Gentleman

Yes, being a gentleman is still relevant today and most women still like a bit of chivalry. We appreciate being treated like ladies.

From 10 Qualities of a Modern Gentleman – Final Touch website.

“Today, being a gentleman is a matter of choice. It is a title you earn through an unwavering commitment to invest in your character. Gentlemen are not stiff, pretentious, or focused on elevating themselves. Instead, they strive to succeed while helping those around them succeed as well. Being a gentleman means that you care about how your choices impact others. It is about human connection.”

I like it.

Being a gentleman encompasses many attributes. At its basic core, it is the desire to be graceful and respectful in your attitude and outlook on life.

This means throwing away things like written agreements, and accepting change while possessing a strong desire to be intimate with your woman because you want to be with her and not just because you want to get your rocks off.

The experience transcends into something much more meaningful when we really connect. Besides, fewer utterly mind-blowing sexual encounters surpass a quick fix anytime.

Make her feel like a woman.  

She’ll be putty in your hands.

*Originally published by Sexography on Medium

relationships, sexuality, Women

Does a Woman’s Breast Size Really Matter?

A woman’s relationship with her breasts is complicated.

Female breasts have been a source of fascination for eons. They are a sensual and enchanting part of the female form symbolizing life-giving and creative force qualities such as birth, nourishment and fertility. In our culture, breasts are also commonly associated with the femme fatale; seduction and femininity; comforting promises and sexual fulfilment – Women’s breasts are among men’s favorite sex toys.

Ancient cultures may have practiced Goddess worship and regarded the female form as the source of all life, but the “source of all life”, wonder and pleasure is not always what it’s cracked up to be – women the world over experience all kinds of issues with their breasts.  

The relationship between a woman and her breasts is rarely neutral, and it begins at the onset. As a teenager with brand-new budding breasts, it wasn’t long before I took to wearing oversized sweaters in an attempt to conceal and ignore them. I still considered myself a kid and frankly, I was comfortable staying that way. I didn’t ask for my chest to suddenly explode; I was no woman.

What did these firm, swollen mounds of flesh want with me? 

The thought of wearing a bra caused a volcano of mixed feelings – On one hand, I knew that I was on the threshold of the new and exciting world of womanhood, on the other, I wasn’t so sure that I was ready to grow up.

It also meant that I had to accept the inevitable – the not-so-thoughtful taunts of my younger brother who occasionally found twisted pleasure in yanking the back of my bra strap when he was frustrated with me. Humph – baby brothers can be a pain in the butt at times … but so can big sisters.

The truth is that women are just as obsessed with boobs as men. Psychology Today reports that only 30 percent of women feel satisfied with their naturally given gifts, observing that: “Younger and thinner women worried that their breasts were too small, while older and heavier women were concerned about droopiness.”

That’s 70 percent of women dissatisfied with their breasts. Thank goodness for the push-up bra and America’s number one cosmetic procedure: breast surgery.

Ahh, the breast-surgery Gods of America; here to fix, stitch, mend, and reposition nipples …    

It’s totally valid, especially when considering the media-driven imagery we are forced to swallow –  what woman doesn’t aspire toward the vision of a sun-kissed beach-babe-lifeguard whose inflated breasts bounce like perfection as she runs along a shoreline in search of … erm … a life and death rescue mission?


In her time, the famous blond sex symbol with the critically-acclaimed rack was no-doubt in part responsible for an upsurge in breast implants and igniting inadequacy in small breasted women the world over.

Which begs the question – do straight men really prefer bigger breasted women? Does boob size actually factor into our relationships?

Researchers have never actually explained why men devote so much headspace to breast fixation, speculating that “humans evolved the fatty deposits around the female mammary glands for sexual reasons.”

Anthropologist Owen Lovejoy argued that evolution put a bull’s-eye around both female and male reproductive organs in order to promote pair bonding, and Live Science says: “Another long-standing theory holds that breasts evolved as a way to signal to men that the woman attached to them was nutritionally advantaged and youthful — and thus, a promising mate.”

After I accepted the life sentence of bra-wearing and got comfortable with those strappy pieces of underwear, my budding breasts began pushing their way out of my chest like no tomorrow. Seriously, those girls just kept growing and growing … and growing. Until they became the source of much male ogling.

More uncomfortableness.

I can’t tell you how many times a man has had a conversation with my breasts when addressing me. No, they don’t talk back and my face is further north, thankyouverymuch. 

It’s a bit like Homer Simpson drooling over doughnuts. I’m not bragging. Quite the opposite. My breasts and I have had a life-long turbulent relationship – one which has seen me curse them and then finally grown to accept and love them.

But it’s not just me, women complain about men looking at their breasts when talking to them all the time. And just ask any waitress; she will tell you that wearing low-cut tops with a visible cleavage means better tips. Then there’s the age-old joke about a group of women with various degrees of qualifications applying for the same job. Who gets hired?

The woman with the largest breasts.

They may look nice, but having large breasts isn’t all perks and roses. The fact is, women with big boobs do have their struggles. I can certainly vouch for that.  

For one, do you realize how difficult it is to find a sexy piece of lingerie that comes in a larger cup size?

Extraordinarily hard. It’s like searching for a real-life leprechaun.

Ditto for feminine-looking bras. The pretty lacy ones are seldom made in Double D’s and upward. Nope. Not in the usual stores. Large breasted women commonly face a depressing and limited selection of bland granny-style bras, so we are forced to shop speciality if we want something sexy.

Don’t get me started on strapless bras … they’re a no-go.  

Clothes shopping can be an ordeal too – dresses fit wonderfully until you get to your breasts and they become a mashed-up version of flesh and nipples. Not. Attractive.  

Button-up tops are challenging. So are swimsuits.

Running is not our friend … no, really … we are not Pamela Anderson doppelgangers.

So, yeah – all women have their own personal relationship and battles with their breasts. It isn’t limited to those of us who have smaller boobs and wish for more than a handful.

Large breasts equal eternal trials challenges and inner-conflict, too: “My face is up here, dude.” … “No, I won’t show you my breasts in exchange for a drink – what the?”

True story. Jerk.    

Okay, we know that men like breasts. It’s a no-brainer. But do they actually find big boobs more alluring?

During our early days together, I’d frequently catch my husband sporting a goofy grin with my bra on his head. He had been utterly stoked that the cup could fit smugly over his skull. Go figure.

I am not a man; he is. I recently asked him the burning question. His dark eyes swept over my breasts and he smiled:

“Large breasts are lovely – yes. But so are all breasts – period. At the end of the day, it’s not the size of a woman’s breasts that men find alluring as much as the woman attached to them.” 

And there it is … small or large, breast size does not seem to play a pivotal role when it comes to relationships between men and women – not when love is involved. Unlike breasts, love cannot be faked.

Moreover, a woman’s breasts are intimately connected with the forces of the heart connection: linking her to love, compassion and wisdom – whatever shape or form.

What man in his right mind could deny such a precious, life-giving gift?   

*Originally published by Sexography on Medium