Say what you mean.
I don’t know about you, but saying what I mean usually manifests between either delivering my opinion straight from the hip and dead-center with the people in my life, or an awkward bunch of words skimming around the point in an attempt to avoid hurting feelings.
Yes, I have a tendency leaning toward the blunt side, depending on the matter at hand, what kind of mood I’m in and who’s standing in front of me.
The fact is that the blunt side of me is both a blessing and a curse, which finds me biting my tongue more often than not to then reselect my choice of words.
It’s true that I might sometimes forget to soften the word-delivery, or that I’m just plain clueless with how it comes out. Other times, I’ll produce a nice verbal slice in the exact way intended.
I just said what I meant. Again.
Granted, those “boom” moments are usually the same ones when my husband might be inclined to call me a bitch. But hey, if I’m going to be blunt with anyone in this world, it’s going to be him.
At least he doesn’t have to play guessing games when it comes to me. Well, for the most part, that is, because this article is about the things we should think twice about telling our partners.
He doesn’t know everything about me.
Say What You Mean
A lot of things hinge on your ability to be honest with your lover. If you can say what you mean and actually mean what you say, you get to experience deeper connection and greater love.
Moreover, it’s no secret that open communication is key to a successful relationship. Better communication between you and your lover definitely helps to strengthen trust and support, which leads to more confidence in the relationship.
It’s how we fully connect and bond with our mate.
This might sound sentimental (and maybe a bit dreamy); but I like to think of love like a meadow of wildflowers. If we don’t want our wildflowers to wilt and die, we must water them. Similarly, if we don’t want our love to suffer from lack of nourishment, we mustn’t let our communication become a drought.
Fact is fact: Miscommunication sucks.
I mean, we all know that horrible feeling you get in your stomach when there has been a severe bout of miscommunication with your mate.
Right? It feels as if your gut is twisting inside out as you try to find a way to fix things.
But, is it really necessary to always say what you mean to your lover?
I think not.
Communication with your mate is vital in keeping the spark and love alive between you, but as far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to tell your partner everything under the sun. In fact, keeping a few thoughts to yourself can be favorable, especially if they don’t contribute to your relationship in a positive way.
I like how relationship and dating expert, Jonathon Bennett puts it when he says:
“Total honesty isn’t always the best policy …. if revealing this information will serve no real purpose, or if it will cause hurt feelings, then it may be something worth keeping to yourself.”
I couldn’t agree more.
With that in mind, and a generous side of sweetly-blunt banter, here are three things that might be best kept to yourself when it comes to your lover — like:
The Dirt on Past Relationships
Okay, so your ex was a crucial part of your life.
You shared time together. Obviously, he or she meant something to you.
I know that it feels natural to want to talk about your ex with your newest beau and that at some point, your ex will probably come up in your discussions — but the whole ex-topic talk really is like treading treacherous waters.
You don’t want to sound bitter or obsessive, and you definitely don’t want to reveal the dirt on what went wrong in that relationship.
Because no one really wants to hear about it. No joke.
Personally, I’m not interested in hearing the ‘ins’ and ‘outs’ of my husband’s past relationships, nor do I tell him about mine.
And while we are lingering in this corner of truth, I’m going to go ahead and suggest that even the most confident among us cannot help but experience a touch of comparisonitis with whoever came before us.
God forbid if it was someone who resembled Jessica Alba on a bad day.
We don’t want to be Jessica Alba, or like any other ex for that matter.
We’re not her.
Nor is your man Brad Pitt.
The moral to this story is this:
You’re on a clean slate now — a new beginning with a new life stretching before you, filled with more opportunities to learn and grow from past relationships enough to make the next one even better.
Besides, the way you speak about your ex says more about you than it does about them; and to be sure, bitterness and grudge-holding are not attractive by any means.
Justin Myers from GQ Magazine reinforces the point when he says: “Your new partner will have endured heartbreak too; don’t be afraid to open up. The key, though, is to focus on the positive.”
It’s also worth mentioning that your current partner is not your ex and shouldn’t have to bleed for old hurts caused by others — whether it’s trust issues or not, your past demons are yours to conquer and not someone else’s.
Avoid transferring old love-patterns and behaviors into a brand-new union by spilling the dirt on what happened with your ex — your partner is not your shrink.
Sex with Past Lovers
No brainer, right?
Well, it should be.
Before we get into the ooh-la-la of relationships, just a quick reminder that you never have sex with just a body; it’s a shared experience with another person, and that makes the act sacred.
Okay, I realize it can be somewhat natural to share little tidbits about an especially gifted lover with a friend every now and then — maybe you’ve hit the jackpot in the junk department and your bed has suddenly transformed into an erotic sex scene from Don Jon.
When your world is rocking to the beat of Meg Myers’, Desire, it can be hard to keep it completely to yourself.
I have to admit that this is particularly true for women when it comes to the art of oral sex — our mental cunnilingus list probably includes every guy we’ve slept with who is naturally skilled and proficient at tongue direction.
And we’ll always remember this vital piece of intel about other men who we haven’t slept with, too. This stuff just stays with us.
Like a permanent impression.
In light of the above-mentioned points, it might be tempting to share the gifts of past lovers with your current partner.
Don’t. Just don’t.
Because it’s very uncool, that’s why.
No one needs to go down the self-doubt path and wonder if they are as good as your ex-lover in the bedroom.
Life, love and relationships are trivial enough.
For instance, I know that my husband had sex with a lot of other women before he met me, but that doesn’t mean I want the lowdown on the juicy details.
No. Thank you.
And honestly, he doesn’t want to know if my past lovers were better or worse at oral sex, either.
The thing about sex is that it is different with each partner. Nobody will ever feel the same way between the sheets — some lovers will feel more natural than others.
Like an energetic fire-blend of pure and raw lovemaking.
They are usually the same lovers who will feel distinctly special; as if you are intimately involved in a higher energy-fusion where you experience deep connection on all levels — not unlike a “home” feel.
Other lovers may feel more like a squatter looking for somewhere to hole up for a good chunk of your life.
Erm …. and that’s because with each new lover, the love that you make through the connection essentially creates its own sexy and unique vibrational pulse.
Like an intimate, soulful sex dance for two.
Consider this quote from Sexuality as a Sacred Power:
“Sexuality itself is a sacred life force and the conceiving power in the universe. When we allow it to flow freely, it elicits deep feelings of longing, desire and passion, and in the blissful unifying act produces immense healing for our bodies and souls.”
Obviously, the details of such authentic and sacred experiences should be honored in a way that credits your sexual union with past lovers — keep your lips zipped.
Your Opinion About Your Lover’s Friends & Family
“A fool is made more of a fool, when their mouth is more open than their mind.”
― Anthony Liccione
Need I say more?
Alright, so you can clearly see that his best buddy is a complete oxymoron. You find it difficult to tolerate someone who is a walking hypocrite at the best of times and has trouble understanding anything remotely out of his scope of awareness.
Life is full of people like that.
Or it might be that your mate’s mother is a total control freak who gives you the evil eye when your lover isn’t looking and dishes out underhanded comments when he’s out of earshot.
I get it.
But as tempting as it might be to have a running-rant about it to your one-and-only; it’s not always wise to share exactly what you’re thinking about your partner’s friends and family.
Because getting into a serious relationship with another person means that you are also entering a world that existed before you came along. That equates to sucking up the annoying friend and playing nice with the potential in-laws from time to time.
More from Bennett:
“Unless the family (or friend) is creating some sort of toxic situation — in which case you should speak up, and let your partner know — there’s really no need to share minor things you dislike about your partner’s loved ones.”
In short, keep your opinions to yourself on this one and don’t give others the power to come between your love for your mate. Real connection is too important, and oversharing might damage your bond.
A good rule-of-thumb in this department is to tread lightly when it comes to your partner’s other important relationships — and if you must speak up, do so respectfully and practice more listening than talking.
At the end of the day, thinking twice about telling your lover everything is about considering their feelings and realizing that your time together is wasted on revealing unnecessary things — Say what you mean; just don’t say it all.
Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium.