Until I wasn’t.
He didn’t like to watch porn when he was eating. It made his stomach curl. Other than that, porn was fair-game at any time of the day.
I’d often wonder just how many variations of Cowgirl Beats the Doggy or Double Penetration a person could handle watching before it became a brain Piledriver.
Remember when Facebook used to be rife with quirky quizzes? Back when virtual-socializing began to skyrocket.
One time, he sent me a multiple-choice quiz that was titled “Name the Star”.
I can do that, I thought.
I opened the quiz to find an array of strange faces. Apart from Pamela Anderson, the names and images were unfamiliar.
End of thought.
It was a quiz for porn stars. He got them all right. He was proud of himself, too. Until I expressed my disbelief. As I formed the words “porn-junkie”, his smile turned into something awkward.
I mean, who watches porn and actually knows the names of all of the porn-stars?
A porn-fucking-junkie, that’s who.
Have you ever wondered how having sex on camera actually constitutes a “star” status?
I don’t think it takes a whole lot of talent to fuck on camera as much as perseverance. Honestly, the inner-grit it must take to smile and not cringe when a guy cums all over your face is commendable. Not to mention the ability to fake ecstasy while receiving a fist-fuck.
When we got to the bedroom his addiction to porn really hit home. He had me pinned as some kind of Kimmy Granger; and yes, I just Googled for that name and learned that she’s one of the world’s most energetic porn stars.
He had assumed that I was an “atomic blast in cum-space” who secretly longed to be slammed via anal and have my eyelashes dripping with cum.
Imagine his surprise when he realized that I was no Bull Job. I’m not into being Doubled Stuffed, my legs don’t bend over my head and I sure as hell don’t want cum in my eye.
That doesn’t mean I’m not adverse to trying new things in the bedroom. Rather that my idea of a satisfying time in bed is much less about body-slamming and being railed from above and more about sensuality and connection.
Porn is not sensuality.
For an industry worth somewhere in the billions and easily one of the most influential phenomenons in our culture today, porn sure as hell misses the mark when it comes to portraying women’s sexual pleasure.
The perplexing part is that people the world over experience their first exposure to porn between the ages of 12 and 14, serving as their first exposure to sex. That’s a whole of young people learning thwarted sex practices, as well objectifying imagery of women.
People who are exposed to porn are more desensitized to sexual violence in real life, too. Like rape, pornography is designed to exploit and dehumanize women.
The study: Effects of women’s pornography use on bystander intervention in a sexual assault situation and rape myth acceptance, states: “Participants who recently watched porn were less likely than those who hadn’t to, upon hearing a description of a rape, call it rape”
Suggesting how detrimental the impact is on how men view women and how women view themselves. It seems to be growing worse.
Mary Rose Somarriba, who is the author of 5 Truths About Porn That Often Get Overlooked says that “the reason why the pornographic imagery online continues to get more and more extreme in intensity is that after repeated exposure, the human brain needs more shocking content to reach the same physiological effect.”
This is when the same content that is used to create arousal no longer cuts it. To reach that dopamine fix, the content needs to be intensified.
So, the “intensity fix” grows to about 90 percent of imagery in porn portraying aggression against women. Disturbing. Particularly when considering the fantasy of porn often illustrates this as pleasurable for women.
I have experienced firsthand the effects porn had on one man’s psyche. It was just as well that I was able to assert myself in the bedroom enough to express my disinterest at performing unthinkable sex acts. But this may not be the case for every woman when facing the distorted images porn imprints in their partner’s minds.
Mary Rose Somarriba makes this conclusion:
“This cultural thinking that porn is harmless is just like the content itself — closer to fantasy than reality.”
It may appear dire, but all is not lost; not every man is into watching porn. Some men actually reject it. As it turns out, porn severely misses the mark in another vital arena. While porn might provide an arousing voyeuristic experience in the lives of many, some men do realize that it lacks to convey and teach the true meaning of sexuality — which is ultimately love.
Love is the desire for fusion.
“It is sexuality that provides us with a human outlet and a human expression of divine love.”
Porn cannot demonstrate or show us the way to manifesting our full sexual power. True sexual power is the ability to claim and mindfully channel your beautiful erotic self and sexual energy. It is the sacred linkages to your body and spirit; to a lover and to the universe.
It’s the ultimate blend of sexuality and spirituality.
A key aspect of sexual power is emotional intimacy. The instinctive desire to bond to your lover and be known. This makes the difference between pure physical sex and lovemaking.
Now, that’s the stuff made of dreams.
Reverse Cowgirl, Ball Gags and Bull Jobs might quench an insatiable addiction to porn, but watching people perform those acts cannot simulate the qualities of a good lover.
In real life and between each couple, there is electric chemistry that is unique to them. Things like: Scent, voice, touch, and kissing style.
Beyond these, in her book The Ecstasy of Surrender, Judith Orloff characterizes the 10 qualities of what makes a good lover:
· You’re a willing learner
· You’re playful and passionate
· You make your partner feel sexy
· You’re confident, not afraid to be vulnerable
· You’re adventurous and willing to experiment
· You communicate your needs and listen to your partner
· You make time and don’t rush
· You enjoy giving pleasure as much as you enjoy receiving it
· You’re supportive, not judgmental
· You’re fully present in the moment with good eye contact and can let go
Porn be damned.
I’d take playful, passionate and good eye contact, along with emotional intimacy over a Piledriver any time of the day. Even when I’m eating.
Originally published by Sexography on Medium.