Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Soul, Women

The Art of Making Love to a Woman

“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”

– Aristotle

One of the greatest aspects of being in love has to be the connectedness and intimacy involved in the act of making love. Think about it — Sex is energy. So, when we qualify sex with love, we tap into pure life-force energy that directly connects us to something greater than ourselves. It is true.If can we approach the act with the intention to experience love authentically, it’s like treating our sex-lives to a big injection of heavenly rocket-fuel. Making love is unification of the highest order. But the real art of making love is lost on so many of us.

Meaningful. Expressive. Persuasive. Awakening.

No other act is as powerfully symbolic as lovemaking as the unfolding of a life of two people being presently conscious to become one — not only in co-mingling of body, but in spirit and soul. As Elliot D. Cohen puts it: “Making love is inspirational because it signifies and embodies two mutually living as one.”

Making love is more than just great sex. It would be a mistake think otherwise. I spent more years than I care to remember believing that I knew what making love was all about when in reality, the opposite was true.

That’s not to say that sexual desire and intimacy wasn’t present in my relationships — it most definitely was. But the sexual encounters never felt overly meaningful. I couldn’t actually gage the depth of my partner’s feelings for me between the sheets because although affectionate and loving, the sex was based purely on satisfying our sexual desires. Making love is so much more.

What’s the difference, then?

Well, a lot actually.

Love-making is distinct from mere sex as it breaches the flume between you and me in an act of mutual consciousness of absolute unity without segregation.

Sounds like an intense riddle. Just a bit.

Let’s unravel.

Desire for sexual pleasure is one of the most powerful feelings known to us. It’s innate, beautiful, raw and sometimes primitive, and the very act responsible for why you are able to read these words in this moment.

No, really.

Happy birthday.

However, the distinction between “making love” and “having sex” is in the nature of intended fulfillment.

In other words, sexual love is more about quenching one’s sexual appetite, whereas making love is based on meaningful, conscious and emotional connection.

“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

– Woody Allen

The following according to philosopher Alan Goldman:

“Sexual desire is a mechanical activity. Rubbing, touching, caressing, kissing, sucking, biting, and, of course, intercourse, as fulfillments of a desire for physical contact, are all sexual activities in this sense.”

Okay, having “normal” sex is not such a bad thing. Hot nights of lusty wild sex with your partner can be fun and satisfying. But a woman loves it when a man knows how make love to her. And that is because there’s a lot more care, connection and emotion involved than just taking off your clothes and going at it.

Mind you, it doesn’t mean that every time you have sex with someone you love it has to be categorized as making love. In fact, as beautiful as it is, this type of loving should be saved for when the time feels right because it is such an intimate act.

So, how about that opening quote from Aristotle?

It is said that the Greek philosopher wrote the quote based on mythology written about his mentor, Plato.

From Philosiblog:

“The story goes that humans were originally made with four arms, four legs and were half male and half female. After conspiring to climb Mount Olympus, Zeus ordered them cut in half. Since that day, every human spends their life searching for their other half.”

I know, that little tale sounds rather far-fetched and perhaps a tad on the Sci-Fi side, but mythology often has a way of carrying an inexplicable resonance through the ages. In this case, Aristotle was hitting on the crucial meeting of souls — the deep sense of “wholeness” or “home” when encountering someone with whom feels like a part of you.

Through love-making, a couple’s past, present, and future — hopes, dreams, and expectations coalesce as one, and not two persons. A total fusion of body and soul where love transcends space, time and physicality as they surrender to separateness to inclusion of the other.

Lovers in every sense of the word.

Forget banging, getting laid, getting it on, and all of those different ways to have sex. More than any of that, a woman often wants to make love to the man she loves. And really, can you blame her?

Having said all of that, a man must be able to not only successfully lead the act, but be a conscious participant in the unfolding of love with his woman.

The Art of Making Love to a Woman is:

Taking Your Sweet Time

With everything.

Making love doesn’t just begin in the bedroom. It is a hot and interesting mind-play with promises of the love to come. Think of it like a sensual slow dance consisting of flirty comments, lingering looks and a spicy text message or two.

I love it when my partner unexpectedly pings me with a provocative message through the day, or approaches me from behind in the morning and huskily murmurs in my ear when I’m busy getting the kids ready for school. It let’s me know what’s on his mind and makes me feel sexy — which is exactly how you want a woman to feel when planning a lovemaking session.

This is the intentional art of “layering” foreplay which speaks to a woman’s emotional side and definitely primes her mood for sex.

Ensuring that you are Kissable

This is important. Nothing will pull a woman out of a love-trance quicker than stinky balls and a smelly butt. Sorry, have to go here for a moment…

Please tend to your personal hygiene before you touch your woman. This means taking a shower and lathering up with soap or body wash, paying extra attention to your below-bits.

Making love involves a lot of lip and tongue action, and I am quite certain you would like your woman to put her mouth down south, yes?

No brainer.

Sidenote: Clipped and smooth nails are ideal for obvious reasons, and a trimmed manscape is muchly appreciated, too.

Getting the Mood Right

I prefer muted lighting when getting sexy. Thankfully, my fella knows how to set the mood to dim and sultry:

Candles create a sexy atmosphere and are easy on the senses which means all senses can focus on the important stuff like … hmm 

Erotic love and deep romance.

Music should be on the sensual side and not too loud. The right tunes will help keep you attuned with the scene — this means avoiding genres like Hard Rock, Grunge or Metal.

Save Metallica for the morning run and go for something groovy-soul-sexy such as Paula Cole’s, Feelin’ Love or Berlin’s classic, Take my Breath Away.

“Somewhere there’s a love in flames”.

(Check out this Soul Lovers playlist to give you some ideas.)

Savoring your Senses

Intense eye contact. Slow and deliberate touches. The taste of her body; her mouth and thighs. The sweet scent of her hair and musky wildflowers as she swells and opens up for you.

Making love is being present with your partner.

Take each moment seriously — it’s about connecting and finding yourself within the other; if you want to really find out how to make love to a woman, you’ll need to be serious about it and leave the jokes aside. At least, for the moment.

Believe me, she will be able to feel the difference in your emotional state during sex. Make sure she feels what you intend for her know in her heart and soul — what she means to you — which will translate into some unforgettable lovemaking.

A Slow and Beautiful Tease

“You get me closer to god”

– Lyrics from Closer by NIN

Granted, it’s not the ideal song for a love-making session, but there is something about those lyrics that ring true here — this is the place where you want to be and where you are headed; that place you can only experience with your senses, body and soul. The sweet realm you will never be able to quite remember but won’t ever forget.

It’s in your mindset and intention to surrender to pure love and soul dance.

You will get closer to “God” by slowly teasing her. Peu à peu. This is not a race to the end, my love. You’re not a stallion galloping to your stable. You are a magnificent lover who is in touch with himself and knows how to be with a woman’s body and soul.

Stroke her with the backs of fingers as you slowly undress her and follow with your lips. Use warm scented oil that is mouth friendly to draw out every moment.

Build the sexual tension until she begs for you take her; then, tease and tantalize your love-child some more.

Finding Intimate Positions

This isn’t looking down her back and gripping her hair during intercourse.

e.g. Doggy style is not a good position to go for when you are making love to a woman. It’s primal and detached, and exactly the opposite of what you want when lovemaking.

A huge part of how to make love to a woman involves face-to-face positions for the closet possible contact. You want intimate positions that allow for deep penetration, grinding instead of thrusting and great pacing.

Positions where you can start out easy and prolong the great tease with your … erm … very clean junk? Driving her wild so that she grinds against you like an insatiable pussycat pleading to feel more of you.

Divine. Love. Orgasmic. Heaven.

Becoming Attuned to Your Mate

At this point, you are so far into the tango-flame-game that you’re working it together in perfect synergy. You become distinctly aware of your partner’s responses — breathing, sighing, moans and body movements.

As Cohen so eloquently reminds us:

“Transcend the self-interested desire for sexual satisfaction so that your sexual partner’s self becomes yours, and conversely, making the goal of other-regarding sex moot.”

Enjoy your unique and beautiful love-language and keep talking to a minimum. You don’t want to break the sexy, intimate flow you’ve been working so hard to create.

And don’t forget to…

Hold her Afterwards

And speak of your love.

She is divine femininity; your Yin to your Yang; your precious woman who opens herself for you. If loved the right way, she’ll be your fire crucible — your eternal lover, safe place and world.


Treasure the moments; because each one experienced in that sacred place existing for sexy-soul lovers is an unrepeatable, magical gift.

The Art of Making Love to a Woman.

Soul Lovers Playlist


Is it Real? You May Never Know Unless You Walk Away

Sometimes, you have to let it go.

When I first met my husband, we both had ex-partners floating around the sidelines of our lives. Having people on the sidelines is like moonlighting — they appear in your life as distractions, or as leisurely pursuits with mutual understanding that the relationship is on the fly.

That’s not to undervalue those people in any way. Everything for a purpose, right?

My husband had enough moonlighting going on to fill a sin bin, so I can’t be overly confident that his sideliners fulfilled anything meaningful, other than sex.

I couldn’t escape them. We managed to bump into some of these women each time we ventured into town on a date. I was okay with it for the most part, unless the woman in question shamelessly flaunted herself all over him — which surprisingly occurred a lot. For some reason, the fact that he was no longer on the playing field was an unfathomable notion.

Hmm …

The gift of indifference works well in those situations. I had it nailed. So much so, that when one ex-sideline floozy unabashedly approached him to resurrect an old game they’d often play, I met her victorious stare with a wink.

Her frazzled expression was priceless.

We all have a past. Those women were a dime a dozen. I can’t really say that I was sound in the knowledge of his feelings for me at the time, because it was still early days.

But I was confident in me — in my worth as a person and as a woman, and what I have offer to the people in my life who love and respect me.

Everything. Glory, glory!

I loved him. Yet at the same time I knew that if he wasn’t able to see the value in me, then it would be his loss and not mine. There is no mistaking it when it’s real. You can’t replace the deep connection that happens through the unexpected moments that leave you breathless, and the meaningful conversations that inevitably lead to hours of love making. More glory.

Exploration and fusion in every way.

I wasn’t imagining it. He was there, connecting with me. Intricate experiences of that nature with another person cannot be felt by just one party. It has to be reciprocated in order to reach a level of deep resonation. I knew it was more than a fly-by-sideline fling, even if he didn’t admit it at the time.

Something magical happens when you meet someone special. You’ve got to believe in it.

There was one particular woman from his past drifting around who did manage to sneak under my cloak of indifference. Mariska. The one who he had loved before me. Everything changes when big “L” word is involved.

She felt like a threat even though she didn’t live in the same country. She was some twenty-plus hour flight away and back in his hometown near Holland, and she was hellbent on rekindling their relationship.

It didn’t help that he had her image propped up on his bedside table-cum-bookshelf in his tidy little bachelor pad, either. Photos taken from the instances when she’d flown out to visit him. Sparkling green eyes. Long golden hair … vivid grin.

Classic Dutch-clutch. Whatever that looks like.

She found out he preferred brunettes. Next thing, his email lit up with incoming updates; Dutch-clutch turned black.

Ah, Mariska!

Her name sounds like it should be in a Skid Row song. I Remember You. She remembered alright and she wouldn’t let him go. Judging by the photos on his shelf, he wasn’t letting it go so easily, either. Obviously, there was still something between them.

You know those early months in a relationship when you’re still finding your ground and trying to figure out what the hell is actually going on? It was a bit like that. I could handle the sideliners, but I couldn’t compete with love and I wasn’t about to try.

So, I walked away.

I didn’t kick up a stink; didn’t accuse him of foul play or demand that he stopped corresponding with Dutch-clutch. I simply told him that I couldn’t do it anymore and that I wasn’t going to play second to anyone. Period.

I meant that shit. The thing is, you can never change the way people feel. It doesn’t matter how much or how deep you love someone; they will always do what they’re going to do regardless. And if the person you love doesn’t love you back to the same degree, it is never going to be balanced enough to completely fulfil you, anyway.

Happiness in a relationship cannot thrive with doubt, suspicion, disrespect or distrust. This is where we trip up so readily when it comes to relationships. When we tend to accept less than what we know we deserve because we are in love — all of the opposite characteristics that deny a healthy relationship. Things like: Trust. Respect. Honor. Compromise. Dedication and great communication.

It is never easy to walk away from someone you love. I was already in deep and the pain was intense. Suddenly, every lyric to every love song killed. Lost love lingers like subtle poison. Yet sometimes, the act of letting go of someone is necessary and, believe it or not, it is the ultimate act of love. For the both of you.

There is truth to that old saying that goes something like:

“When you love someone let them go …”

In the past, I’ve been forced to cut ties with people that I have shared time with and loved very much. Friendships that turned toxic and demanding. A family member who is not unlike the little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead: “When she was good she was very, very good, but when she was bad, she was horrid.”

It’s never an easy decision to discard those from your life who hurt you, but it comes down to self-preservation and protecting your quality of life. You can love someone safely from a distance. I’ve learned this and to this day, I still practice it.

Yet, when it comes to romantic love it can be excruciatingly more difficult to let go.

It didn’t matter how many times I told myself that he wasn’t right for me; that he didn’t love me; that it was the wrong timing and it could never work out; I couldn’t quite quell the yearning inside for him.

My heart fought my brain at every moment spent convincing myself that it was never real.

But sometimes, we have to walk away from love in order to discover its authenticity. Sometimes, it’s the only way to know for sure.

About a month later, he called. Told me that he met me in his dreams and that he didn’t want a life without me in it. It would be first time he uttered the words I had longed to hear.

I love you.

It took me walking away for the penny to finally drop. He returned a different man ready for the breadth of my love and all I had to offer — minus the Dutch-clutch and the sideliners, of course.

“… and if they return, they were always yours.”

The truth is: When the right people come into your life, it can never be wrong timing. The right people are timeless.