“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”
One of the greatest aspects of being in love has to be the connectedness and intimacy involved in the act of making love. Think about it — Sex is energy. So, when we qualify sex with love, we tap into pure life-force energy that directly connects us to something greater than ourselves. It is true.If can we approach the act with the intention to experience love authentically, it’s like treating our sex-lives to a big injection of heavenly rocket-fuel. Making love is unification of the highest order. But the real art of making love is lost on so many of us.
Meaningful. Expressive. Persuasive. Awakening.
No other act is as powerfully symbolic as lovemaking as the unfolding of a life of two people being presently conscious to become one — not only in co-mingling of body, but in spirit and soul. As Elliot D. Cohen puts it: “Making love is inspirational because it signifies and embodies two mutually living as one.”
Making love is more than just great sex. It would be a mistake think otherwise. I spent more years than I care to remember believing that I knew what making love was all about when in reality, the opposite was true.
That’s not to say that sexual desire and intimacy wasn’t present in my relationships — it most definitely was. But the sexual encounters never felt overly meaningful. I couldn’t actually gage the depth of my partner’s feelings for me between the sheets because although affectionate and loving, the sex was based purely on satisfying our sexual desires. Making love is so much more.
What’s the difference, then?
Well, a lot actually.
Love-making is distinct from mere sex as it breaches the flume between you and me in an act of mutual consciousness of absolute unity without segregation.
Sounds like an intense riddle. Just a bit.
Desire for sexual pleasure is one of the most powerful feelings known to us. It’s innate, beautiful, raw and sometimes primitive, and the very act responsible for why you are able to read these words in this moment.
However, the distinction between “making love” and “having sex” is in the nature of intended fulfillment.
In other words, sexual love is more about quenching one’s sexual appetite, whereas making love is based on meaningful, conscious and emotional connection.
“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”
– Woody Allen
The following according to philosopher Alan Goldman:
“Sexual desire is a mechanical activity. Rubbing, touching, caressing, kissing, sucking, biting, and, of course, intercourse, as fulfillments of a desire for physical contact, are all sexual activities in this sense.”
Okay, having “normal” sex is not such a bad thing. Hot nights of lusty wild sex with your partner can be fun and satisfying. But a woman loves it when a man knows how make love to her. And that is because there’s a lot more care, connection and emotion involved than just taking off your clothes and going at it.
Mind you, it doesn’t mean that every time you have sex with someone you love it has to be categorized as making love. In fact, as beautiful as it is, this type of loving should be saved for when the time feels right because it is such an intimate act.
So, how about that opening quote from Aristotle?
It is said that the Greek philosopher wrote the quote based on mythology written about his mentor, Plato.
“The story goes that humans were originally made with four arms, four legs and were half male and half female. After conspiring to climb Mount Olympus, Zeus ordered them cut in half. Since that day, every human spends their life searching for their other half.”
I know, that little tale sounds rather far-fetched and perhaps a tad on the Sci-Fi side, but mythology often has a way of carrying an inexplicable resonance through the ages. In this case, Aristotle was hitting on the crucial meeting of souls — the deep sense of “wholeness” or “home” when encountering someone with whom feels like a part of you.
Through love-making, a couple’s past, present, and future — hopes, dreams, and expectations coalesce as one, and not two persons. A total fusion of body and soul where love transcends space, time and physicality as they surrender to separateness to inclusion of the other.
Lovers in every sense of the word.
Forget banging, getting laid, getting it on, and all of those different ways to have sex. More than any of that, a woman often wants to make love to the man she loves. And really, can you blame her?
Having said all of that, a man must be able to not only successfully lead the act, but be a conscious participant in the unfolding of love with his woman.
The Art of Making Love to a Woman is:
Taking Your Sweet Time
Making love doesn’t just begin in the bedroom. It is a hot and interesting mind-play with promises of the love to come. Think of it like a sensual slow dance consisting of flirty comments, lingering looks and a spicy text message or two.
I love it when my partner unexpectedly pings me with a provocative message through the day, or approaches me from behind in the morning and huskily murmurs in my ear when I’m busy getting the kids ready for school. It let’s me know what’s on his mind and makes me feel sexy — which is exactly how you want a woman to feel when planning a lovemaking session.
This is the intentional art of “layering” foreplay which speaks to a woman’s emotional side and definitely primes her mood for sex.
Ensuring that you are Kissable
This is important. Nothing will pull a woman out of a love-trance quicker than stinky balls and a smelly butt. Sorry, have to go here for a moment…
Please tend to your personal hygiene before you touch your woman. This means taking a shower and lathering up with soap or body wash, paying extra attention to your below-bits.
Making love involves a lot of lip and tongue action, and I am quite certain you would like your woman to put her mouth down south, yes?
Sidenote: Clipped and smooth nails are ideal for obvious reasons, and a trimmed manscape is muchly appreciated, too.
Getting the Mood Right
I prefer muted lighting when getting sexy. Thankfully, my fella knows how to set the mood to dim and sultry:
Candles create a sexy atmosphere and are easy on the senses which means all senses can focus on the important stuff like … hmm …
Erotic love and deep romance.
Music should be on the sensual side and not too loud. The right tunes will help keep you attuned with the scene — this means avoiding genres like Hard Rock, Grunge or Metal.
Save Metallica for the morning run and go for something groovy-soul-sexy such as Paula Cole’s, Feelin’ Love or Berlin’s classic, Take my Breath Away.
“Somewhere there’s a love in flames”.
Savoring your Senses
Intense eye contact. Slow and deliberate touches. The taste of her body; her mouth and thighs. The sweet scent of her hair and musky wildflowers as she swells and opens up for you.
Making love is being present with your partner.
Take each moment seriously — it’s about connecting and finding yourself within the other; if you want to really find out how to make love to a woman, you’ll need to be serious about it and leave the jokes aside. At least, for the moment.
Believe me, she will be able to feel the difference in your emotional state during sex. Make sure she feels what you intend for her know in her heart and soul — what she means to you — which will translate into some unforgettable lovemaking.
A Slow and Beautiful Tease
“You get me closer to god”
– Lyrics from Closer by NIN
Granted, it’s not the ideal song for a love-making session, but there is something about those lyrics that ring true here — this is the place where you want to be and where you are headed; that place you can only experience with your senses, body and soul. The sweet realm you will never be able to quite remember but won’t ever forget.
It’s in your mindset and intention to surrender to pure love and soul dance.
You will get closer to “God” by slowly teasing her. Peu à peu. This is not a race to the end, my love. You’re not a stallion galloping to your stable. You are a magnificent lover who is in touch with himself and knows how to be with a woman’s body and soul.
Stroke her with the backs of fingers as you slowly undress her and follow with your lips. Use warm scented oil that is mouth friendly to draw out every moment.
Build the sexual tension until she begs for you take her; then, tease and tantalize your love-child some more.
Finding Intimate Positions
This isn’t looking down her back and gripping her hair during intercourse.
e.g. Doggy style is not a good position to go for when you are making love to a woman. It’s primal and detached, and exactly the opposite of what you want when lovemaking.
A huge part of how to make love to a woman involves face-to-face positions for the closet possible contact. You want intimate positions that allow for deep penetration, grinding instead of thrusting and great pacing.
Positions where you can start out easy and prolong the great tease with your … erm … very clean junk? Driving her wild so that she grinds against you like an insatiable pussycat pleading to feel more of you.
Divine. Love. Orgasmic. Heaven.
Becoming Attuned to Your Mate
At this point, you are so far into the tango-flame-game that you’re working it together in perfect synergy. You become distinctly aware of your partner’s responses — breathing, sighing, moans and body movements.
As Cohen so eloquently reminds us:
“Transcend the self-interested desire for sexual satisfaction so that your sexual partner’s self becomes yours, and conversely, making the goal of other-regarding sex moot.”
Enjoy your unique and beautiful love-language and keep talking to a minimum. You don’t want to break the sexy, intimate flow you’ve been working so hard to create.
And don’t forget to…
Hold her Afterwards
And speak of your love.
She is divine femininity; your Yin to your Yang; your precious woman who opens herself for you. If loved the right way, she’ll be your fire crucible — your eternal lover, safe place and world.
Treasure the moments; because each one experienced in that sacred place existing for sexy-soul lovers is an unrepeatable, magical gift.
The Art of Making Love to a Woman.
- Originally published by Illumination on Medium.