Living Out Loud Pub, Newsletter, writing

A Writer’s Wine

Is the echo of their soul.

Just as I sit down to write this message for you, Never Tear Us Apart by INXS starts drifting through my opened office window. The neighbours are using their outdoor sound system. At least they have the fortitude to play decent music.

Kirk Pengilly owns the saxophone that carries along the summer breeze. I begin to smile but it hardly forms as the music transports me elsewhere. Now, the half-buried awaken within me and I’m trying to catch the breath of eternal soul, making wine from love and pain.

“We could live for a thousand years, but if I hurt you, I’d make wine from your tears.”

It’s got to be one of my favourite song lyrics of all time.

Then, I’m back at my desk and entangled with a ghost, and somewhat grateful that I have cried tears enough to make wine.

Words are a Writer’s Wine

And some of our most powerful stories are born from the pain of heartache, loss and love. At Living Out Loud, our writers are making wine and sharing those unique perspectives with those who are intended to read and learn from their great work, and we couldn’t be more grateful to be a part of it.

February has been our busiest month ever, and we are so excited to welcome and publish the work of our new writers as much as our regulars who continue to support our cozy little corner of Medium with their beautiful “wine” — every piece is helping to give life and shape the fabric of Living Out Loud, and it’s our pleasure to serve our writers and readers in synergetic, intoxicating connection.


Latest News

Miss Harley and I have recently created a Slack group for our writers so that we can keep in touch outside of Medium. Our Slack group is a great tool for writers to use in case they wish to express any concerns or questions that they may have about a piece, or even to just pop in to say “Hey” once in a while.

Spotify

We’ve also created a LOL Writer’s Collection Playlist on Spotify just for fun, and would love to hear about your favourite tunes so that we can make this playlist something really unique.

Slack

Join us! 👋 Let’s move this to Slack! You can sign up here: https://join.slack.com/t/livingoutloudpub/shared_invite/zt-lp6a7510-YpkWK6tUT0cpFxWMtdGCjw

Email

Or email us at Livingoutloud@gmail.com and we’ll send you an invitation.

LOL Writers Collection on Spotify:

  • Hit “like” so that you can access and listen to the playlist anytime on your own Spotify account.

Keep sharing the “wine”.

With love,

Kim, Harley & Lexi

#Love #wine #life #music


What are you listening to lately?

Many thanks to our writers…

Julia E Hubbel ♥ Gerthy Bingoly ♥ Catherine Evans ♥ Jennifer M. Wilson
Wistful writer ♥ Genius Turner ♥ Kate Mackay ♥ Harley Christensen
David Gerken ♥ Kevin Horton ♥ Kevin Ervin Kelley, AIA ♥ Kate Conradie
Cynthia Webb ♥ Elna Cain ♥ Deeksha Agrawal ♥ Rosie Wylor-Owen
Christopher Wills ♥ Clarrisa Lee ♥ George Frey ♥ Matt Lillywhite
Beth Prentice ♥ Kaia Maeve Tingley ♥ Em Hoccane ♥ Ana Ryan
Kara Summers ♥ Michael Grimes ♥ Anna Foga
Albert Heemeijer — Author at Balboa / HayHouse ♥ Surbhi Tak
Ellen McRae ♥ Anna & Ryan ♥ HKB ♥ Amanda Clark-Rudolph
John Gruber ♥ Lisa Richards ♥ Margaret Pan ♥ Sujona Chatterjee
Taryn Watson♥ Kamay Williams ♥ LSK Ann♥ JT♥ Francesco Rizzuto
Khadejah Jones♥ Anand Choudhury ♥ Danielle Urciullo♥ Floyd Mori
Natasha Marie


Latest Stories…

Love and Relationships

#LovingOutLoud #passion #love

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Is a Woman’s Intuition Really a Man’s Worst Enemy? by Kim Petersen

What if You Hate Your Child’s Partner? by Kim Petersen

Take Love To The Next Level by Kamay Williams

The Revolution Will Not Be Sexualized by LS

Have You Encountered Someone from A Past Life? by Kim Petersen

Healing Is More Like A Rollercoaster Ride Than A Journey by Kara Summers

The Wound by LS

She Gets Hers, He Gets His, They Get Theirs by Francesco Rizzuto

Signs It’s Time to Let Go of Your Unhealthy Relationship by Lisa Richards

Were We Conditioned To Cheat? by LS

Rocco’s Last Request by Francesco Rizzuto

Modern Dating by Danielle Urciullo

The Parallels Between Love and Loss by LS

Your Relationship is Ending by LS

Dirty-Love Dozen by Kim Petersen

How To Have An Amazing Valentine’s Day by Kamay Williams

Read This Before You Propose Today by LS

Does Your Partner Inspire You? by Kim Petersen

Do You Scream Desperate to a Potential Partner? by Lisa Richards

‘I Needed to Lose You to Love Me’ — My Shero, Selena Gomez by Sujona Chatterjee

When Abuse Looks Like Home by LS

Why a Man Really Needs to Connect with the Orgasmic Feminine by Kim Petersen

The Story of Silent Acceptance by LS

Real Life Now

#LivingOutLoud #life #mindfulness

Perception: The Power to Reframe Things by Gerthy Bingoly

New Year, New Me by Catherine Evans

Why ‘Think Like a Monk’ Should be the First Book You Read in 2021 by Sujona Chatterjee

Is Your Greatest Flaw Your Biggest Asset? by Jennifer M. Wilson

Get a LIFE Already: Stop Letting People Manipulate Your Outrage by Julia E Hubbel

Rage Against The Time Machine by LS

Julia E Hubbel is so FULL of BS, and Jessica Wildfire is TOO. by GranPa-Festus

The Rejections That Don’t Kill You, Make You Stronger by Sujona Chatterjee

A Woman’s Intuition is Really a Man’s Best Friend by GranPa-Festus

How to Master the Art of Public Speaking — Wear a Mask by Sujona Chatterjee

“I See You,” The Meaning Behind Those 3 Little Words is Deeply Rooted in Our Past by Gerthy Bingoly

Coming Down From The High by LS

My Mother’s Shell by LS

Who on Earth Comes Up with These Questions? by Julia E Hubbel

3 Things Death Taught Me About Life by LS

Square Peg, Round Hole by Catherine Evans

Let’s Be Afraid Together by LS

You Know What Takes Guts? Asking for Help. by Sujona Chatterjee

You’re Born With Your Purpose And You Find It Over Time by Khadejah Jones

We Need To Break Up With Our Parents by LS

Exciting Fashion Trends for 2021 by Julia E Hubbel

10 Destructive Habits I Stopped Doing to Live a More Content Life by Khadejah Jones

Winter Weather Can Be Very Beautiful by Floyd Mori

3 Ways You Can Deal With Your Insecurities And Stand in Your Truth by Khadejah Jones

How I Overcame My Fear of “Unhealthy” People by Khadejah Jones

Don’t Sit Inside And Stew During The Pandemic by Floyd Mori

The Model Citizen by LS

The Negative Side Effects of Beautiful Women by Kim Petersen

Hello, It Is Me — Your Body by Sujona Chatterjee

Creativity

#CreativeLocomotion #poetry #fiction

Confession by Kamay Williams

Do You Remember Our Last Conversation? by Gerthy Bingoly

Let Me Out by A.j Thomas

The Light Switch by A.j Thomas


First published by Living Out Loud on Medium

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life, Love and Connection, mindset, relationships, Romance

Relationship Power-Struggles? It May be Time to Surrender to Love

Let’s talk about love connection, baby.


“Surrender isn’t about being passive. It’s about being open.”

— Danielle LaPorte

Remember when you used to play that game of tug-of-war as a kid? You willingly chose to place yourself in a situation where two people or factions fought to keep or obtain the same thing. Love can often feel like a game of tug-of-war. It’s that push-pull dynamic between a couple that usually causes more harm than good. But tug-of-war only works if both sides pull on the rope and struggle fiercely — if one side let’s go of the rope, it’s game over — there is no longer a tug-of-war.

The same rule applies to the game of love.

The inevitable moment will come when every couple engages in some kind of power struggle. We go from completely giving ourselves over to a new lover at the beginning of a relationship, to the sometimes-messy task of establishing a sense of equilibrium and balance.

Kind of like an emotional game of tug-of-war.

I was super young when I fell for the guy who eventually became my first husband. At the time, it wasn’t long before I was head-over-heels in love with him, spending every free moment together between the long hours working as an apprentice in a hair salon.

He didn’t hide the fact that he was utterly captivated by me, showing his adoration through attentiveness, surprising me with gifts and often talking about the future. He came across as thoughtful, gentle and kind, and he declared his love for me quite early on in the relationship.

It was the famous “honeymoon” phase in the love-game that precedes the power-struggle stage of a union.

Actually, this “balancing” phase of a relationship is necessary and important. Not only is this period the part when you get to fully work out your lover’s true intentions and motivations for the future of the relationship, but the push-pull dynamic is where you will truly find love’s foundations — the stability and security within the relationship that allows you to establish trust with your heart enough to carry it forward. Then, you can get back to your normal life after surviving the sexy love-storm (well, somewhat).

Not to mention that you might even discover a surprise or two about your lover during this stage. Like those personality quirks you didn’t realize existed until now . . .

Hmm . . . Why the hell does he flush the toilet 2/3 of the way through peeing so that there is still a little bit of pee left in the loo after it’s done flushing?

Such is the mystery of love (and men), but let’s talk about . . .

Love Games

Author of The Love Gap, Jenna Birch knows that power-struggles in relationships can take on different forms: “Sometimes, they come from the place of believing you’re right and your partner’s wrong, and you both should get your way entirely — because it’s ‘the best way’”.

You knowthe best way isn’t always the right way. Besides that, someone wise once said that “two wrongs don’t make a right”, right?

We all know it even when we pretend that we don’t.

As with every situation, we find ourselves in life recognizing when you are in midst of the power-struggle phase is the first step toward gaining clarity and resolution over said dynamic — provided that you’re both reasonable adults, of course.

The blame-game sucks, yes?

Agreed.

So, if you aren’t prepared, this rocky little path can fast lead toward ridiculous accusations, dumbass denial and multi-rounds of that dreadful blame-game.

I love you, for sure.

He said.

The dynamic usually reveals itself as the intrinsic need to self-affirm and assert oneself on the many levels encompassing the relationship. It can even eventuate as a long-term love/hate power-trip game if we’re not careful.

I’m sure you know how it goes — a certain whiff of self-centeredness rears its ugly head and suddenly, you’re going loggerheads with your beloved.

If you aren’t ready for and aware of it, accusations bordering on ludicrous may fly like doves on speed in both directions.

How it plays out is determined by the maturity of the couple. That, and how much each person has opened themselves to the relationship at the height of the “love-bubble” period.

Red Flags

If both people have the proper emotional tools at hand, this emotional war for power doesn’t have to be too draining — but “emotional tools” equate to a certain level of emotional maturity.

That doesn’t mean you or your partner have all the answers, but it does mean that you both have the skill-set to keep your cool when things become stormy, and that’s important in love.

Personally, I think that this “power-struggle” period of a relationship is the perfect time to flush out and recognize any “red flags” about your partner’s behavior and personality that you may have missed during the initial love-drunk stage.

Toxic and controlling behavior like treating you like a child, unpredictable outbursts, lecturing, blame and trivializing your feelings.

For instance, looking back at this period of time with my first husband, I can clearly point out those above-mentioned traits as well as his need to monitor my every move, treat me to unbearably long lectures and show his ever-growing jealousy.

I just wish that I had the sense of personal power and wisdom to follow my intuition at the time. As it was, I went ahead and married him despite the red flags.

More from Birch:

“Usually, relationships work best when someone takes the lead and the other person is more flexible or fluid.”

In other words, to truly love is to participate in a generous slice of give and take backed up with the ability to compromise and demonstrate the patience, empathy and tolerance that is required to successfully navigate the power-play stage — these rich human characteristics are a part of what it means to love with compassion, and all without slapping conditions and blame on your lover.

Birch says that if you want to overcome the power-struggle, “it’s important to recognize when it’s best to push and pull back”.

That way, your turn to have your way and say will come.

The real secret to winning the love game is how far you’re willing to surrender to love, not your lover.

Surrender to Love

Surrendering to love doesn’t mean that you give up your power and become someone’s doormat, or even placing yourself at the mercy of your lover’s whims.

What I am suggesting is that you take the philosophy that empowers you and enhances your own inner-connectedness — to yourself and your lover — the high road on the journey of love.

No one ever really wins at a power-struggle. There are only losers of the heart.

Every harsh word. Each accusation. Every single act of rage, gaslighting, emotional blackmail or punishment — all of those interactions contribute to slowly corroding the quality of your relationship and stripping the connection of trust over time.

Love is more worthy. You are more worthy.

You’ve got to remember that you always have a choice about how you respond to your lover and how you perceive any given situation, no matter how intense and emotional things become between you — you have a choice.

My ex-husband possessed neither the emotional tools nor mindset to overcome his toxic, argumentative ways of being in the world, never searching inside of himself to become a better person, father and husband. This is a man who took no responsibility for the hurt and pain he caused others. Nor did he make an effort to control his emotional agitation or even try to understand me — who I was or the way I saw the world.

That’s the complete opposite of surrendering to love.

It was a choice that limited him, broke our relationship and damaged the actual process of love. Love cannot be manipulated like a puppeteer.

Love cannot be shackled to a kitchen sink and controlled with brute force or intimidation, either.

Surrendering to love means both people commit to the process of loving, regardless of the circumstances. It means honor between souls enough to cherish the quality of the connection while choosing to deepen the bonds through seeking out the most valuable gifts in each other.

It means allowing love to thrive in its natural state — being who you are and accepting and relishing those differences, believing in each other, and choosing to love to a higher beat than ever before.

Surrendering to love is one of the greatest secrets of the meaning of life because the way and the degree in which you choose to love is what will reflect back into and enrich your personal experiences — it is the selfless act of giving and opening yourself to the wonders of your heart-space — the place where amazing bits of you awaits your personal discovery within your lover’s heart and soul.

Beautify your life journey through deeper connection. Surrender to love.


This article was originally published by P.S I Love You on Medium

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life, Love and Connection, relationships

Is There Ever a Time to Deny Love?

Denial is not just a river in Egypt.


“What does love mean if we would deny it to others?”

― DaShanne Stokes

“I don’t know how you do it.”

I’d probably said those words to Jeff more times than Googolplex. He’d told me that his soul belonged to her and that was how much he loved her. Though I wasn’t necessarily hitting on the depth of his love for the woman who wasn’t his wife — I knew how much he was suffering. Rather, I couldn’t fathom how he could deny such a love-connection.

He palmed his hair and shrugged. “You gotta do what you gotta do.”

“What? Deny real love?”

The look on his face was enough to wrench my heart clean from my chest. Glycerine by Bush filled in the silence. He’d often ask why I loved deep music. I told him it was because it stirred my soul in ways I couldn’t always articulate.

“I’ll never forget where you’re at.”

His soul was stirring like a brewing storm and it had nothing to do with the music.

“It’s not right…” He looked away. “Besides, I pushed her away so far that she would never want me, anyway.”

“You don’t know that.”

We’d stolen a few moments away from the others, escaping to my front porch, rocking on a swinging garden chair. A balmy evening, sipping on beer and chilling with friends. The cicadas whistled a song of their own.

What do you say to someone whose heart bleeds for love denied?

I’m not sure. But I’m a woman who believes that the heart can’t lie. Doesn’t matter what kind of logic we try to feed ourselves about it or how much we live a lie in order to cover the deep truths buried in our hearts — your heart will always lead you toward real love and your soul will always seek to find deeper meaning through stronger connections.

Maybe it is meant to be that way. Maybe we are supposed to experience love in different forms and with different people, and that “till death do us part” isn’t always in tune with human evolvement, spiritual advancement and personal growth.

Then again, Jeff seems to think that denying himself the love of his life is the right thing to do. But for who exactly?

It’s a pretty sticky situation, but I doubt that his wife and kids will get the best of him now that his soul has found another who feels true to him.

I’ve seen what happens when real love is denied for the sake of … hmm … let’s see — Marriage. Children. Combined assets and familial expectations. Contrasting beliefs and safe comfort zones.

Name one or all of the above. Makes no difference.

What’s in the heart is in the heart and no matter the circumstances, once love has ignited, it isn’t as easy as “blowing out” a flame or sticking your head in the sand to make it all go away.

I wish it were for Jeff’s sake and the woman who lives on the opposite side of the planet who had stolen his heart. She was hurting, too. They were never “together” in the physical sense, but I’d never witnessed a connection so strong; so resilient and pure. It was as if whatever was between them had a soul of its own, entwining them together on the higher planes and creating invisible love-patterns.

Something like that, anyway.

Jeff was in all kinds of torment. None of which he could speak of openly, let alone release himself from the pain that had become a constant in his life. It had been two years since he’d spoken to her.

Two years of silent hell.

“I have no choice,” said Jeff. “I love her but can’t afford to go there…”

I’m calling out BS on that one. Sorry, Jeff. We always have a choice.

Always.

The thing is that when we encounter something like this in our lives, our minds become so clouded with the “what if’s” — we are plagued with so many questions and fears that we wind up feeling blind and confused.

It is common for many of us to develop anxiety and lose sleep over decisions with such high stakes.

Jeff’s choice to deny his feelings afforded him something alright, and it was far from the happiness that could have been his had he chosen to have faith and trust in real love — had he taken the rare gift offered by the universe and followed his heart.

Now, I see a man who has been “killed alive” living a mediocre life between bouts of happiness burrowed from time with his kids, creative passions and his work. He loves his wife, but deep down, he knows that that love can’t begin to scratch the surface of the love between him and his surprise-lady.

I can only imagine what she had endured.

Denying Love

Jeff isn’t the same person as he was before meeting her. He used to be more upbeat and at ease with himself and his lot in life. He used to be happy.

This is what can happen when you deny love:

  • Pain and depression
  • Repeated attempts to rationalize your feelings
  • Obsessing about said feelings
  • Constantly looking for hints, clues and generally overthinking simple acts (which drives you crazy)
  • Frustration towards yourself for having the unwanted feelings
  • Resentment directed at the universe for revealing the most amazing person who feels unreachable
  • Resentment directed at your beloved for simply showing up and thus, throwing an unexpected spanner in the works
  • Stressing over whether the feelings are reciprocated or not
  • Sleepless nights further overthinking the relationship
  • Dark nights of the soul where you wish for nothing but the end
  • Feelings of hopelessness about the situation and a future that now appears more ordinary than ever before

I was talking to another friend about love-denial, who is much wiser than myself. He knows stuff about sacred unions, energy and how people are generally wired to think in the world. He has had much life experience and is usually spot on with his observations.

“Can someone really do that?” I asked while pondering Jeff and his woman, who I knew shared real love yet remained unconnected. “Can someone really choose to spend the rest of their life denying real love?”

“Yes, people do it all the time.”

I don’t know about you, but the thought makes me sad.

It’s because I tend to feel as if a love-connection like the one I have witnessed Jeff experiencing shows up to create deeper love and connection in the world. For a reason; like a higher purpose beyond what we, as mere mortals, can truly understand or even appreciate.

Some types of love are too powerful not to be.

Moreover, I know from my own experiences that nothing worthwhile ever comes without taking a leap of faith, nor does it seldom present itself in life without obstacles to overcome.

That’s the test of real love — it requires more than just the average investment or one foot in and the other out. It demands honor, respect and a side of sacrifice between the two hearts in order to beat as one and create a deep connection.

As it is, it looks as if Jeff will spend the rest of his life fighting the feelings that he could never bring himself to fully realize, and I can’t think of anything more tragic when it comes to love.

“Don’t let the days go by.”

I imagine him at the end of his life and looking back at what he lost — the chance to experience the greater love that he allowed to slip through his hands.

I mourn for this vision and the life he could have known.

For anyone else experiencing a similar situation — That is, denying love, the best solution is to:

  • Identify the reason for the denial of feelings
  • Accept the feelings
  • Know that being true to yourself is key to living an authentic life
  • Take responsibility
  • Recognize that it’s okay to have feelings
  • Decide whether to reveal or let them go
  • Respect yourself, the person with whom you have said feelings for, and all others involved
  • Realize that real love is rare and life is not forever

“If I found a soul-connection as deep as the one you have discovered in her, I’d hold onto that and give it my all. It’s just too rare to pass up.”

I had to bite back the tears when Jeff’s face became stoic at hearing those words.

He is a much stronger person than me; he can go on and pretend that he never had a taste offered in the form of precious soul love. He can make out that love meant nothing. And considering his ability to deny real love, it probably never will.

Though, I can’t help but wonder which path demands more strength and backbone — denying real love or accepting your feelings and going for the extraordinary?

Taking a leap of faith in this fleeting life.

In the opening quote, DaShanne Stokes asks — “What does love mean if we would deny it to others?”

I think we just answered that question.


Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium.



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life, Love and Connection, relationships, Women

The Secrets to Unlocking a Woman’s Lasting Passion

Because she burns with fiery love-passion.


“Be the flame, not the moth.”
― Giacomo Casanova

Romantic passion is the powerful force responsible for the feeling of deep longing to be near your lover. The exquisite motivational pull that manifests as strong attraction, desire and infatuation, often sweeping you off your feet to affect you in love-crazy ways. A day in the life of romantic passion is one of life’s sweetest pleasures. Tell me, who could actually resist hours of kanoodling with their lover, delving into deep intimacy through hot kisses, intense sex, devoted bonding and dual-energetic creativity?

Passion is delicious, ardent love.

Love is the most important element for a good relationship but love without lasting passion is much like friendship — only with the commitment and shared life/assets part.

Still, we all have our own standards for what constitutes a fulfilling relationship and it can be argued that passion fades over time.

Life gets in the way.

People can easily slip into a states of inertia which disconnects them from the deep feelings inspired by the long-forgotten passionate early days of their relationship.

You know how goes — You snag your lover, get married and settle into ‘familiarity’ territory. Sex becomes a mediocre thing that happens once a fortnight (for some) and before long, you are glimpsing the rapturous fire of romantic passion in the rear-view mirror.

So long, romantic passion. Thanks for the memories.

Okay, throw out the Kleenex. The mourning party is over because it doesn’t have to be that way. We can fight for passion but it will take patience, dedication and a whole lotta love to unlock the mystery of a woman’s lasting passion.

And yes, I am speaking to you, sir.

Whether he realizes it or not, a man has much more influence over the degree of passion existing within his relationship with a woman. And if he wants to experience her deep, ever-lasting passion, he will need to decide if it’s worth the effort it takes to get her there.

He will have to take the lead.

Think about it. True happiness and deep, intimate connection within a union is impossible to achieve without tending to the passion, and a woman cannot fully surrender herself to man if there is disconnection and/or distrust present.

She needs her heart ‘watered’ with his conscious love so that she may blossom into her feminine sovereignty, and she needs to feel held and seen in her femininity by him for her passionate spirit to burn into something a little bit more magical and beautiful than ever before.

The Secrets to Unlocking a Woman’s Lasting Passion begins with:

Yang — Man

As gender roles continue to shift and evolve, the rules for what constitutes masculinity may have become somewhat blurred of late. As it stands, contemporary men do not have to personify patriarchal values and be ‘macho’ to be regarded as masculine. There are those men who believe that they embody the definition of the modern ‘real man’, exhibiting qualities such as genuine self-confidence and true masculinity. Others may feel there is no such thing. But when comes to women, there is one thing that remains true of any heterosexual male — a man who realizes his highest role with woman knows the secret to her lasting passion.

It’s in the way that he loves her.

So much of how a man loves a woman and how he cares for her holds influence over her willingness to trust and surrender in her femininity to him. And that sacred element is fundamental in keeping his lady a passionate lover.

“I want to know what passion is. I want to feel something strongly.”
― Aldous Huxley

A man needs to understand and respect that the essence of a woman is soft by nature.

She is a passionate, love-craving creature yearning to deeply connect with her masculine counterpart. She longs to open up to him; to expose herself fully and feel him consciously pulse inside of her.

At her core, a woman aches to give rise to the healing qualities of combined orgasmic connection and spirit through her beautiful, wild love.

Believe me, you’ll want every sweet drop of what your insatiable love-hungry woman has to offer, dear sir.

And a man can know the fruits of her love when he becomes attuned with his primitive place beside a woman because it means that he has figured out his role with her — Being there and caring for her in a way which supports her life, body and heart to evoke her deep softness and receptivity to him — her lasting love and passion.

Sounds rather simple, right?

Well, I don’t know. It takes a certain amount of self-awareness, maturity, backbone and patience for a man to accept his highest role with woman; to really be there and hold her steady within his powerful masculine presence. To show up for her where others have mishandled and failed her in the past. To care enough to patiently and consistently support and guide her back toward her heart —her lasting passion.

Internationally-known Spiritual Mentor, and Master Energy-Worker, Chris Bale knows a thing or two about the power of intent within the realm of intimacy between men and women. He makes the following observation:

“We are living in a time of deeply weakened, confused, and unsupported masculinity. Men lack guidance from healthy male role-models. Instead, he ends up following dangerous, chaotic examples of masculinity; fumbling through his relatings with himself and the opposite sex.”

So how can a man realign with his core masculine energy to connect on more intricate and meaningful pathways with his woman?

It Begins with Deep Desire.

A man’s personal power resides in his level of self-actualization. His innate values, his sense of empathy and balance, his intellect and his ability to hold his own in any situation. But a man’s true power lies in his mature handling of woman, love and relationships.

Through love, we learn the art of giving and receiving but we can’t give what we don’t have. So there lies the cornerstone of desire in passion — a man must have a deep understanding of self to possess the desire to really be there for and know a woman wholly, and he’ll have to truly wish to know what it means to experience her native femininity and lasting passion.

He has to be willing to go there with her.

Yin — Woman

“The feminine is the matrix of creation. This truth is something profound and elemental, and every woman knows it in the cells of her body, in her instinctual depths. Out of the substance of her very being life comes forth. She can conceive and give birth, participate in the greatest mystery of bringing a soul into life. And yet we have forgotten, or been denied, the depths of this mystery.”

— Llewellyn Vaughan-Lee

A man may be permitted to deeply connect with life-giving energy through a woman’s love, but she requires him to be in firm contact with his balls and sovereignty in order to feel safe and claimed enough to truly open up to him.

Essentially, she needs to feel secure with him ­– if there are too many elements about a man that are uncertain, threatening or unclear, she will naturally resist surrendering the deepest, softest parts of herself.

Instead, she will recede into her self-protective energetic barrier by default because more often than not, this is how a woman has learned to cope with the men who have touched her life in the past.

This holds true whether or not the relationship is new or long-term — acts of deep intimacy and true passion requires a woman to open every part of herself — soulfully, emotionally, physically — she entrusts a man to be inside of her which means absolute exposure and vulnerability on her part.

It means building intimate trust which evolves to lasting passion.

She needs to understand the depth of her man’s consistent and implicit reliance through his actions — not just because he expects her trust because he requests it of her, but because he proves his trustworthiness through his deeds and strong presence.

Yin-Yang — Man + Woman

So, how does a man unlock a woman’s lasting passion?

Through learning how to love her. It’s that simple.

He must be willing to love her through her challenges — her anger, hardness and frustration. He must love her even when she’s pushing and testing his love and boundaries. And he must especially love her in all her past abuse and mishandled treatment left from encounters with other males.

“You only need one man to love you. But him to love you free like a wildfire, crazy like the moon, always like tomorrow, sudden like an inhale and overcoming like the tides. Only one man and all of this.”
― C. JoyBell C.

If a man truly wants to experience a woman in her soft femininity and keep her passion alive for him, he will need to be fully present with her and love her even more.

“Crazy like the moon and always like tomorrow.”

The secret to unlocking a woman’s lasting passion is already within you — devoted love-in-action …. and maybe a few long hot kisses to boot.


Also published by Living Out Loud on Medium

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life, Love and Connection, relationships, Romance

16 Facts About Love That Might Surprise You

Other than what John Lennon said….


There’s no doubt about it, love is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

But have you ever stopped to consider why you feel the way you do?

Alright, so your one-and-only is the most incredibly sexy and creatively talented person you have ever encountered. He’s got you feeling like Zepplin’s Whole Lotta Love most daysand the others?

He drives you up batty-alley.

What is it about love, anyhow? Why do we physically fall in love, and what are some of the determining factors?

An endlessly fascinating subject.

The following are some interesting love-facts that might (or might not) surprise you.

And they are:

1. Two Hearts Really Do Beat as One

Yup —when you are in love, it’s not a myth. Apparently, when you gaze into your lover’s eyes for 3 minutes or longer, your heartbeats’ will naturally synchronize.

And you know what that means, don’t you?

Bingo — we really do connect through the heart and experience deep love via the windows of our souls.

2. Love Triggers an Empathetic Response

When two people are deeply bonded together, their empathy and compassion for each other turns into fire-on-water. As in an intense, selfless and at times, logic-defying phenomena — when your lover hurts, you hurt. When they bleed…

Well, you get the drift.

Don’t freak out if you experience this type of thing with your beloved, just means that your chemical love-bonds are doing pretty great in the connection department.

3. Eye Contact During Sex and Foreplay Arouses a Woman More Than When Your Eyes Are Closed

Please, please never underestimate the power of a lover’s romantic glare.

You do realize how hot and, erm… excited great eye contact can make a woman feel, right?

Extremely. Arousing.

4. The Longer You Hide Your Feelings for Someone the Harder You Fall for Them

Hmm…noted.

I love you.

5. Unexpected Love Lasts Far Longer

Then out of nowhere, I met you.

The magic of unexpected love is a game-changer, usually showing up in our lives to generate a storm, shake things up and initiate deep inner-transformation.

Like a gift, yeah.

Yeah.

It’s almost always the purest and passionate of love that we will experience during our lifetimes.

Which brings me to….

6. The Deeper Your Feelings are For Someone, the Harder They Are to Express

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t express.

Though, sometimes there are just not enough words to justify the depth of our feelings, and our deepest admiration stands strong in pure silence.

Psychology Fact: The deeper your feelings the harder they are to express.

7. Bedrooms Will Influence Your Love Life

You know how when you enter a room and the energy of that space makes you feel a certain way? It’s the combo of scents, sounds and visuals sparking your senses and prompting your brain to interpret and react to your surroundings.

Well, the same applies for how your bedroom impacts the intimacy levels in a relationship.

Sexologist and relationship expert, Jessica O’Reilly has this to say about it:

“The way you choose to decorate your bedroom isn’t just aesthetic — the objects, scents, textures and sounds in your bedroom all subtly influence intimacy, especially if you share the space with a significant other.”

Yes, you may want to think twice about that TV sitting on your dresser or where you position your phone charger at night — they could very well be inhibiting your sex life.

8. Testosterone Plays a Powerful Role in a Man’s Love Life

Wearing cologne that simulates the odour of testosterone can enhance a woman’s love and attraction for you.

Here’s a list of male fragrances that I just Googled to get you going:

Top 10 Best Colognes to Attract Females 2020

9. Taking Someone on a First Date That Gets Their Heart Pumping Increases Their Chances of Falling in Love

Think roller coasters, fast cars or even a thriller movie.

Why?

Because it spikes their adrenaline and tricks them into believing they enjoyed spending time with you more than with any other person.

Danger is intoxicatingly giddy-exciting.

Though, keep in mind that….

10. You’ve Got About 27 Seconds to Make a Good Impression on Someone…

Andthe average person knows within 15 minutes into a date whether or not they want to see you again.

Make it count. Take a leap. Live dangerously.

11. Not arguing at all in a relationship suggests a lack of interest

People who care about one another tend to argue now and again.

Keep it fair and don’t forget to laugh at yourself and with each other.

12. Heartbreak is Real

Separation from a loved one can cause real physical pain. It is called Broken Heart Syndrome and is caused by emotional distress.

13. Breakups Are Tougher on Men

Yes, men are more likely to be emotionally affected by breakups than women, and…

14. Women Initiate More Divorces Than Men

On average, a woman suffers less post-breakup.

15. And Then She Will Change Her Hair

It’s a self-concept/letting go/I’m-in-control of my life thing.

New hair is like a new beginning; it just makes us feel better.

Speaking of hair…

16. People with More Toe Hair Are Better Lovers

Do you believe me?

Check your toes…


Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium.

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life, Love and Connection, Nonfiction, relationships, Romance, sexuality

The Things You Should Think Twice About Telling Your Lover

Say what you mean.

I don’t know about you, but saying what I mean usually manifests between either delivering my opinion straight from the hip and dead-center with the people in my life, or an awkward bunch of words skimming around the point in an attempt to avoid hurting feelings.

Yes, I have a tendency leaning toward the blunt side, depending on the matter at hand, what kind of mood I’m in and who’s standing in front of me.

The fact is that the blunt side of me is both a blessing and a curse, which finds me biting my tongue more often than not to then reselect my choice of words.

It’s true that I might sometimes forget to soften the word-delivery, or that I’m just plain clueless with how it comes out. Other times, I’ll produce a nice verbal slice in the exact way intended.

Boom!

I just said what I meant. Again.

Granted, those “boom” moments are usually the same ones when my husband might be inclined to call me a bitch. But hey, if I’m going to be blunt with anyone in this world, it’s going to be him.

At least he doesn’t have to play guessing games when it comes to me. Well, for the most part, that is, because this article is about the things we should think twice about telling our partners.

He doesn’t know everything about me.

Say What You Mean

A lot of things hinge on your ability to be honest with your lover. If you can say what you mean and actually mean what you say, you get to experience deeper connection and greater love.

Moreover, it’s no secret that open communication is key to a successful relationship. Better communication between you and your lover definitely helps to strengthen trust and support, which leads to more confidence in the relationship.

It’s how we fully connect and bond with our mate.

This might sound sentimental (and maybe a bit dreamy); but I like to think of love like a meadow of wildflowers. If we don’t want our wildflowers to wilt and die, we must water them. Similarly, if we don’t want our love to suffer from lack of nourishment, we mustn’t let our communication become a drought.

Fact is fact: Miscommunication sucks.

I mean, we all know that horrible feeling you get in your stomach when there has been a severe bout of miscommunication with your mate.

Right? It feels as if your gut is twisting inside out as you try to find a way to fix things.

But, is it really necessary to always say what you mean to your lover?

I think not.

Communication with your mate is vital in keeping the spark and love alive between you, but as far as I’m concerned, you don’t have to tell your partner everything under the sun. In fact, keeping a few thoughts to yourself can be favorable, especially if they don’t contribute to your relationship in a positive way.

I like how relationship and dating expert, Jonathon Bennett puts it when he says:

“Total honesty isn’t always the best policy …. if revealing this information will serve no real purpose, or if it will cause hurt feelings, then it may be something worth keeping to yourself.”

I couldn’t agree more.

With that in mind, and a generous side of sweetly-blunt banter, here are three things that might be best kept to yourself when it comes to your lover — like:

The Dirt on Past Relationships

Okay, so your ex was a crucial part of your life.

You shared time together. Obviously, he or she meant something to you.

I know that it feels natural to want to talk about your ex with your newest beau and that at some point, your ex will probably come up in your discussions — but the whole ex-topic talk really is like treading treacherous waters.

You don’t want to sound bitter or obsessive, and you definitely don’t want to reveal the dirt on what went wrong in that relationship.

Why?

Because no one really wants to hear about it. No joke.

Personally, I’m not interested in hearing the ‘ins’ and ‘outs’ of my husband’s past relationships, nor do I tell him about mine.

And while we are lingering in this corner of truth, I’m going to go ahead and suggest that even the most confident among us cannot help but experience a touch of comparisonitis with whoever came before us.

God forbid if it was someone who resembled Jessica Alba on a bad day.

We don’t want to be Jessica Alba, or like any other ex for that matter.

We’re not her.

Nor is your man Brad Pitt.

The moral to this story is this:

You’re on a clean slate now — a new beginning with a new life stretching before you, filled with more opportunities to learn and grow from past relationships enough to make the next one even better.

Besides, the way you speak about your ex says more about you than it does about them; and to be sure, bitterness and grudge-holding are not attractive by any means.

Justin Myers from GQ Magazine reinforces the point when he says: “Your new partner will have endured heartbreak too; don’t be afraid to open up. The key, though, is to focus on the positive.”

It’s also worth mentioning that your current partner is not your ex and shouldn’t have to bleed for old hurts caused by others — whether it’s trust issues or not, your past demons are yours to conquer and not someone else’s.

Avoid transferring old love-patterns and behaviors into a brand-new union by spilling the dirt on what happened with your ex — your partner is not your shrink.

Sex with Past Lovers

No brainer, right?

Duh.

Well, it should be.

Before we get into the ooh-la-la of relationships, just a quick reminder that you never have sex with just a body; it’s a shared experience with another person, and that makes the act sacred.

Okay, I realize it can be somewhat natural to share little tidbits about an especially gifted lover with a friend every now and then — maybe you’ve hit the jackpot in the junk department and your bed has suddenly transformed into an erotic sex scene from Don Jon.

When your world is rocking to the beat of Meg Myers’, Desire, ican be hard to keep it completely to yourself.

I have to admit that this is particularly true for women when it comes to the art of oral sex — our mental cunnilingus list probably includes every guy we’ve slept with who is naturally skilled and proficient at tongue direction.

And we’ll always remember this vital piece of intel about other men who we haven’t slept with, too. This stuff just stays with us.

Like a permanent impression.

In light of the above-mentioned points, it might be tempting to share the gifts of past lovers with your current partner.

Don’t. Just don’t.

Why?

Because it’s very uncool, that’s why.

No one needs to go down the self-doubt path and wonder if they are as good as your ex-lover in the bedroom.

Life, love and relationships are trivial enough.

For instance, I know that my husband had sex with a lot of other women before he met me, but that doesn’t mean I want the lowdown on the juicy details.

No. Thank you.

And honestly, he doesn’t want to know if my past lovers were better or worse at oral sex, either.

The thing about sex is that it is different with each partner. Nobody will ever feel the same way between the sheets — some lovers will feel more natural than others.

Like an energetic fire-blend of pure and raw lovemaking.

They are usually the same lovers who will feel distinctly special; as if you are intimately involved in a higher energy-fusion where you experience deep connection on all levels — not unlike a “home” feel.

Other lovers may feel more like a squatter looking for somewhere to hole up for a good chunk of your life.

Erm …. and that’s because with each new lover, the love that you make through the connection essentially creates its own sexy and unique vibrational pulse.

Like an intimate, soulful sex dance for two.

Consider this quote from Sexuality as a Sacred Power:

“Sexuality itself is a sacred life force and the conceiving power in the universe. When we allow it to flow freely, it elicits deep feelings of longing, desire and passion, and in the blissful unifying act produces immense healing for our bodies and souls.”

Obviously, the details of such authentic and sacred experiences should be honored in a way that credits your sexual union with past lovers — keep your lips zipped.

Your Opinion About Your Lover’s Friends & Family

“A fool is made more of a fool, when their mouth is more open than their mind.”

― Anthony Liccione

Need I say more?

Alright, so you can clearly see that his best buddy is a complete oxymoron. You find it difficult to tolerate someone who is a walking hypocrite at the best of times and has trouble understanding anything remotely out of his scope of awareness.

Life is full of people like that.

Or it might be that your mate’s mother is a total control freak who gives you the evil eye when your lover isn’t looking and dishes out underhanded comments when he’s out of earshot.

Frustrating, right?

I get it.

But as tempting as it might be to have a running-rant about it to your one-and-only; it’s not always wise to share exactly what you’re thinking about your partner’s friends and family.

Why?

Because getting into a serious relationship with another person means that you are also entering a world that existed before you came along. That equates to sucking up the annoying friend and playing nice with the potential in-laws from time to time.

More from Bennett:

“Unless the family (or friend) is creating some sort of toxic situation — in which case you should speak up, and let your partner know — there’s really no need to share minor things you dislike about your partner’s loved ones.”

In short, keep your opinions to yourself on this one and don’t give others the power to come between your love for your mate. Real connection is too important, and oversharing might damage your bond.

A good rule-of-thumb in this department is to tread lightly when it comes to your partner’s other important relationships — and if you must speak up, do so respectfully and practice more listening than talking.

At the end of the day, thinking twice about telling your lover everything is about considering their feelings and realizing that your time together is wasted on revealing unnecessary things — Say what you mean; just don’t say it all.


Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium.

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Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Soul, Women

The Art of Making Love to a Woman


“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”

– Aristotle


One of the greatest aspects of being in love has to be the connectedness and intimacy involved in the act of making love. Think about it — Sex is energy. So, when we qualify sex with love, we tap into pure life-force energy that directly connects us to something greater than ourselves. It is true.If can we approach the act with the intention to experience love authentically, it’s like treating our sex-lives to a big injection of heavenly rocket-fuel. Making love is unification of the highest order. But the real art of making love is lost on so many of us.

Meaningful. Expressive. Persuasive. Awakening.

No other act is as powerfully symbolic as lovemaking as the unfolding of a life of two people being presently conscious to become one — not only in co-mingling of body, but in spirit and soul. As Elliot D. Cohen puts it: “Making love is inspirational because it signifies and embodies two mutually living as one.”

Making love is more than just great sex. It would be a mistake think otherwise. I spent more years than I care to remember believing that I knew what making love was all about when in reality, the opposite was true.

That’s not to say that sexual desire and intimacy wasn’t present in my relationships — it most definitely was. But the sexual encounters never felt overly meaningful. I couldn’t actually gage the depth of my partner’s feelings for me between the sheets because although affectionate and loving, the sex was based purely on satisfying our sexual desires. Making love is so much more.

What’s the difference, then?

Well, a lot actually.

Love-making is distinct from mere sex as it breaches the flume between you and me in an act of mutual consciousness of absolute unity without segregation.

Sounds like an intense riddle. Just a bit.

Let’s unravel.

Desire for sexual pleasure is one of the most powerful feelings known to us. It’s innate, beautiful, raw and sometimes primitive, and the very act responsible for why you are able to read these words in this moment.

No, really.

Happy birthday.

However, the distinction between “making love” and “having sex” is in the nature of intended fulfillment.

In other words, sexual love is more about quenching one’s sexual appetite, whereas making love is based on meaningful, conscious and emotional connection.

“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

– Woody Allen

The following according to philosopher Alan Goldman:

“Sexual desire is a mechanical activity. Rubbing, touching, caressing, kissing, sucking, biting, and, of course, intercourse, as fulfillments of a desire for physical contact, are all sexual activities in this sense.”

Okay, having “normal” sex is not such a bad thing. Hot nights of lusty wild sex with your partner can be fun and satisfying. But a woman loves it when a man knows how make love to her. And that is because there’s a lot more care, connection and emotion involved than just taking off your clothes and going at it.

Mind you, it doesn’t mean that every time you have sex with someone you love it has to be categorized as making love. In fact, as beautiful as it is, this type of loving should be saved for when the time feels right because it is such an intimate act.

So, how about that opening quote from Aristotle?

It is said that the Greek philosopher wrote the quote based on mythology written about his mentor, Plato.

From Philosiblog:

“The story goes that humans were originally made with four arms, four legs and were half male and half female. After conspiring to climb Mount Olympus, Zeus ordered them cut in half. Since that day, every human spends their life searching for their other half.”

I know, that little tale sounds rather far-fetched and perhaps a tad on the Sci-Fi side, but mythology often has a way of carrying an inexplicable resonance through the ages. In this case, Aristotle was hitting on the crucial meeting of souls — the deep sense of “wholeness” or “home” when encountering someone with whom feels like a part of you.

Through love-making, a couple’s past, present, and future — hopes, dreams, and expectations coalesce as one, and not two persons. A total fusion of body and soul where love transcends space, time and physicality as they surrender to separateness to inclusion of the other.

Lovers in every sense of the word.

Forget banging, getting laid, getting it on, and all of those different ways to have sex. More than any of that, a woman often wants to make love to the man she loves. And really, can you blame her?

Having said all of that, a man must be able to not only successfully lead the act, but be a conscious participant in the unfolding of love with his woman.

The Art of Making Love to a Woman is:

Taking Your Sweet Time

With everything.

Making love doesn’t just begin in the bedroom. It is a hot and interesting mind-play with promises of the love to come. Think of it like a sensual slow dance consisting of flirty comments, lingering looks and a spicy text message or two.

I love it when my partner unexpectedly pings me with a provocative message through the day, or approaches me from behind in the morning and huskily murmurs in my ear when I’m busy getting the kids ready for school. It let’s me know what’s on his mind and makes me feel sexy — which is exactly how you want a woman to feel when planning a lovemaking session.

This is the intentional art of “layering” foreplay which speaks to a woman’s emotional side and definitely primes her mood for sex.

Ensuring that you are Kissable

This is important. Nothing will pull a woman out of a love-trance quicker than stinky balls and a smelly butt. Sorry, have to go here for a moment…

Please tend to your personal hygiene before you touch your woman. This means taking a shower and lathering up with soap or body wash, paying extra attention to your below-bits.

Making love involves a lot of lip and tongue action, and I am quite certain you would like your woman to put her mouth down south, yes?

No brainer.

Sidenote: Clipped and smooth nails are ideal for obvious reasons, and a trimmed manscape is muchly appreciated, too.

Getting the Mood Right

I prefer muted lighting when getting sexy. Thankfully, my fella knows how to set the mood to dim and sultry:

Candles create a sexy atmosphere and are easy on the senses which means all senses can focus on the important stuff like … hmm 

Erotic love and deep romance.

Music should be on the sensual side and not too loud. The right tunes will help keep you attuned with the scene — this means avoiding genres like Hard Rock, Grunge or Metal.

Save Metallica for the morning run and go for something groovy-soul-sexy such as Paula Cole’s, Feelin’ Love or Berlin’s classic, Take my Breath Away.

“Somewhere there’s a love in flames”.

(Check out this Soul Lovers playlist to give you some ideas.)

Savoring your Senses

Intense eye contact. Slow and deliberate touches. The taste of her body; her mouth and thighs. The sweet scent of her hair and musky wildflowers as she swells and opens up for you.

Making love is being present with your partner.

Take each moment seriously — it’s about connecting and finding yourself within the other; if you want to really find out how to make love to a woman, you’ll need to be serious about it and leave the jokes aside. At least, for the moment.

Believe me, she will be able to feel the difference in your emotional state during sex. Make sure she feels what you intend for her know in her heart and soul — what she means to you — which will translate into some unforgettable lovemaking.

A Slow and Beautiful Tease

“You get me closer to god”

– Lyrics from Closer by NIN

Granted, it’s not the ideal song for a love-making session, but there is something about those lyrics that ring true here — this is the place where you want to be and where you are headed; that place you can only experience with your senses, body and soul. The sweet realm you will never be able to quite remember but won’t ever forget.

It’s in your mindset and intention to surrender to pure love and soul dance.

You will get closer to “God” by slowly teasing her. Peu à peu. This is not a race to the end, my love. You’re not a stallion galloping to your stable. You are a magnificent lover who is in touch with himself and knows how to be with a woman’s body and soul.

Stroke her with the backs of fingers as you slowly undress her and follow with your lips. Use warm scented oil that is mouth friendly to draw out every moment.

Build the sexual tension until she begs for you take her; then, tease and tantalize your love-child some more.

Finding Intimate Positions

This isn’t looking down her back and gripping her hair during intercourse.

e.g. Doggy style is not a good position to go for when you are making love to a woman. It’s primal and detached, and exactly the opposite of what you want when lovemaking.

A huge part of how to make love to a woman involves face-to-face positions for the closet possible contact. You want intimate positions that allow for deep penetration, grinding instead of thrusting and great pacing.

Positions where you can start out easy and prolong the great tease with your … erm … very clean junk? Driving her wild so that she grinds against you like an insatiable pussycat pleading to feel more of you.

Divine. Love. Orgasmic. Heaven.

Becoming Attuned to Your Mate

At this point, you are so far into the tango-flame-game that you’re working it together in perfect synergy. You become distinctly aware of your partner’s responses — breathing, sighing, moans and body movements.

As Cohen so eloquently reminds us:

“Transcend the self-interested desire for sexual satisfaction so that your sexual partner’s self becomes yours, and conversely, making the goal of other-regarding sex moot.”

Enjoy your unique and beautiful love-language and keep talking to a minimum. You don’t want to break the sexy, intimate flow you’ve been working so hard to create.

And don’t forget to…

Hold her Afterwards

And speak of your love.

She is divine femininity; your Yin to your Yang; your precious woman who opens herself for you. If loved the right way, she’ll be your fire crucible — your eternal lover, safe place and world.

Home.

Treasure the moments; because each one experienced in that sacred place existing for sexy-soul lovers is an unrepeatable, magical gift.

The Art of Making Love to a Woman.


Soul Lovers Playlist

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Love and Connection, mindset, relationships, Women

Qualities of a Sexy Woman

“Everyone wants to be sexy.” — Brad Goreski


There was a time when all it took for me to feel sexy was hearing Prince singing Erotic City. These days? I need killer eye contact with a man who smells like a summer storm and who can make me laugh until my panties slide south. Nothing is sexier than a devilish sense of humor. It demonstrates intelligence, imagination and confidence.

When my husband and I were first dating, he had sexy nailed like a rock star. He possessed all of the above-mentioned qualities and more — he spoke fluently in two foreign languages, cooked like a demon and danced like Justin Timberlake. He exuded sex appeal and he knew it.

He thought I was pretty sexy too.

During those early months of our relationship, he would sometimes fix his stare on me, give a throaty rumble and tell me that I was sexy. The comment always induced laughter followed by an unstoppable blush — I didn’t always feel like a sexy woman, though he always saw “sexy” in me.

In a Psychology Today article, Aaron Ben Zeev says: “The perceiver’s attitude and the possible interactions are very important. Being described as sexy can be flattering if you are attracted to the person saying it; if not, it can be perceived as an insult.”

Hmm … Interesting.

I don’t know about you, but when someone describes me as sexy, I definitely take it as a compliment. The fact that my husband found me sexy when we first met and expressed as much may have caused me to blush, but it did wonders for our evolving relationship.

Being told that I was sexy made me feel sexier on the inside — confident, smarter and funnier. Which in turn spilled over into the bedroom. Ours was an intensely passionate start and expressing our appreciation for each other played a big role in keeping the desire burning.

Compliments are like little gifts of magic. When we receive a compliment, it means someone is noticing our positive qualities and is grateful enough to let us know. Similarly, giving someone a compliment has a positive effect on us in a very powerful way — like an amplified bounce-back of positivity.

But when we describe a woman as sexy, what do we really mean?

In truth, sexy can mean different things to men and women. While the origin of the word suggests sexual, there are further distinctions which may get lost in translation that may make it difficult to clarify contrasting realities.

In their article What Does Sexy Mean? Man+Woman Magazine say:

“The problem is this — the word ‘sexy’ gets used to mean two quite different realities. The first is simpler to identify. It is the overtly sexual meaning. It is easier to identify because it is measured against the reality of men’s sexual arousal.

The second is harder to define, but it can be identified by a different intention. Its intention is not to provoke a sexual response but to draw men’s attention to the distinctive attractiveness of the feminine in a way that remains in the realm of the emotional rather than having a physical effect.”

So, it seems that in practice this second meaning is what women nearly always mean when they say “sexy”, and that in general men mostly do too. Which suggests that finding someone sexy is, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder.

Years later, and whether it be in the first morning light or the last moments of an evening and clad in a thick robe making tea — dark circles under my eyes, weariness creeping in my joints, my husband often still does the same thing — the throaty rumble followed by the comment, “You’re a sexy woman.”

I still laugh, only now I am pretty sure he is crazy. I definitely don’t feel sexy in those moments and yet, he argues the opposite to be true. Somehow, he still sees in me the “sexy” woman he met over a decade ago, regardless of whether I have make-up on, hair done or dressed to kill.

A fact that reinforces everything we know about love, beauty and sexiness — the truth barely scratches the surface.

Every woman has something special hidden inside of her — every woman is one of a kind. Whether we recognize it in ourselves, each and every one of us have our own thing that men find alluring.

It can different for everyone, but I’m certain that it’s those unique qualities in a woman that shine from within that really make her sexy. Here are a few qualities and traits that I admire and respect in women, and think make her pretty damn sexy:

She has Confidence

Self-confidence is something we don’t just possess. We have to work at developing our sense of “self” and self-purpose; once a woman gets there it is an extremely sexy quality to embody.

It’s about knowing yourself and owning that person.

Personally, it wasn’t until I reached a point in my life where I began to acknowledge and accept my own unique qualities that my self-confidence was able to evolve. These days, I have a firmer understanding of who I am and what I want out of life. By staying true to myself, my sense of “self”, inner-confidence and purpose continues to increase; and the people in my life notice.

Confidence embodies a sense of self-empowerment that is reflected in the way a woman moves and how she carries herself — even on her least confident days she knows how to fake it till she makes it.

A sexy woman questions the “norms” and isn’t afraid to back up her word by stepping out of her comfort zone to try something different. She has plans and dreams, and she creates her own success without tearing others down in the process.

She perseveres through the dips.

She is Witty

Humor is sexy and hers is sharp. There is nothing more attractive than someone who laughs a lot and more importantly, can laugh at themselves.

A sexy woman doesn’t need the latest fashion trends to make her grin; she laughs sincerely and she radiates the good stuff — happiness.

She is Intelligent

Intelligence is magnetic. She understands her strengths and weaknesses and knows how to use them to her advantage. She knows that stretching her limits is the only way she will grow and she is confident in herself when doing so.

Remember the sexy, fashion-obsessed Elle Woods from Legally Blonde who set out to obtain a law degree in an attempt to win back her ex-boyfriend? She figured out there was much more to her than just looks and graduated from Harvard Law with a renewed sense of self-confidence which was ignited by challenging herself in different ways.

All of which enhanced her life more than she could have anticipated.

A sexy woman has a firm understanding of herself — she has a growth and abundant mindset. Whether it be through study or life experiences, she will seek ways to continue learning because she knows that knowledge will enrich her life.

She Exudes Positivity

It is in her energy — she’s light, soulful and a whole lot of spirit. And chances are, just being around her lights you up on the inside — like a big dose of positivity thrown into your day.

My Shamanic Drumming teacher, Bastian, is one of the sexiest women I know and it has nothing to do with how she looks and everything to do with her energy and spirit. Although she is an attractive woman, her stand-out qualities are her personality and aura. This lovely woman shines so bright, that her presence is delightfully infectious— and it’s a quality I admire in her very much.

A woman who shines from the inside knows that life is too short to waste on negativity and that includes miserable people with dreary outlooks.

Sure, she has her bad days like everyone else. And she isn’t always 100% positive all of the time. But she strives to see the positive in the world and surrounds herself with positive people and positive things.

She is a woman who has the ability to see the good in every situation, won’t dwell on thoughts that bring her down (at least not for too long), and she will often leave others feeling inspired.


A sexy woman carries with her an unexpected quality that may encapsulate some of these traits and more. At her core, she’s in touch with her inner-feminine self. She’s magnetic and passionate yet unaware of her appeal; and she is in each and every woman.

This is what I see and admire in every sexy woman who I have encountered.


Originally published by P.S. I Love You on Medium.

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Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Soul, Women

The Healing Gifts of Deep Sexual Union

It’s time we began to figure it out.


When we think of a powerfully embodied human, certain characteristics immediately come to mind. To be powerfully embodied is to have a deep understanding of who you are and how your actions affect others. It’s the ability to manage your emotions and act from your authentic heart-center; it’s being able to overcome your fears enough to follow your dreams and live your deepest truths.

Powerfully embodied humans possess attributes like self-awareness, integrity, kindness and empathy; they do not walk through life hurting others.

A powerfully embodied human is in touch with their sexual power and emotional intimacy.

An individual who possesses the above-mentioned qualities is also someone who is deeply actualized and expressed in their sexuality. In reality, it is uncommon to encounter such a person. Perhaps this is because taboo, narrow-mindedness and warped sexual hang-ups have managed to drench the purity and power of human sexuality and connectedness.

The true meaning of sexual empowerment has been lost on most of us beneath a tsunami of misconceptions, suppression and misuse.

None so much as the ultimate gift to man; the healing qualities of the sexually realized feminine — Woman.

We are keen get to the page to share our viewpoints about our experiences; lessons learned and the key take-aways. We’re offering ways on how to live a better life; maintain healthier relationships; balance our mental health and make positive change. The key to unlocking personal empowerment and well-being can be discovered in a matter of clicks. Yet, rarely do we acknowledge the one and most important element to actually achieving true inner-connectedness — to each other, and to spirit and prosperity — the art of sacred sexuality.

“Sexuality is a superpower. The healing of sexuality is perhaps the most revolutionary step in the present healing work after thousands of years of suppression and neglect.”

Dieter Duhm

Sexuality has a spiritual reality which plays a huge part in conscious connection, awakening and self-awareness. The link between sexuality and spirituality is strong and acts as a sacred bridge between our physicality and our soul. It is through sex that we discover and connect to the whole of the universe.

Through the ages, mystics have known and taught that sexuality is the outer physical manifestation of a spiritual urge to have mystical union with the eternal spirit. Tantric Yoga teaches that our natural desire and urge for sexual expression can become a means to union with source energy or God and is “at its highest level of human expression”.

It is crazy-mad how much intellect and energy we use to suppress, hide and redirect our sexual energy. Equally interesting is that sexuality has been deduced to just a strong biological urge or the simple purpose to procreate. Time has tarnished the authentic sexual union to a gratifying, often voyeuristic or casual encounter. We have actually learned to feel shame about our natural desires, passion and longing.

The result has found us existing in an age where our desire for sexual connection has been downgraded to lower forms of sexual expression.

But none of this can diminish the spiritual significance or the real spiritual truth underlying the relationship between sexuality and spirituality. No amount of unawareness can actually omit the fact that sexuality itself is a sacred life force and the conceiving power in the universe — no matter how far suppressing female sexuality was the main tool of domination during the patriarchal era.

Carl Jung believed there was more to the libido than what psychologists had attributed solely to the sexual drive when he declared: “In truth, the libido is a life force or urge to life itself.”

In its simplest terms, life force energy is the intelligent powerful energy from God or source energy to creation. It connects us to everything in existence and without it, there is no existence. Many cultures from ancient civilizations up until modern day science have been aware of an energy surrounding living organisms.

We know that this higher-intelligent energy exists.


The Healing Gifts of the Sacred Feminine.

“Woman has so much to bring to this planet once she is loved upon and supported. She is here as a powerful service to love and life. But we have spent history mishandling her. Raping and pillaging her resources, controlling her; assuming that she is limited. She is not limited. Woman is entirely unlimited when she is of aliveness. Powerful sex is a method of stoking the fires of life within. It keeps us alight.”

“Master Energy Worker, Sexual Alchemist and Spiritual Guide.”

Chris Bale

A woman who is well-sexed is like the most lustrous star in a night sky. She is a creative force who thrives and glows to her natural rhythm; she is alive and obvious, and she carries a certain type of magic that unfurls, transforms and embellishes everything she touches.

A well-sexed woman soars above all, but she is almost elusive.

Bale, who has had many years of experience assisting countless women with energetic initiation says: “There are cornerstones of a man’s development; sexual understanding and implementation is a huge part of the greater whole. Really learning how to be with a woman’s body and soul is a true art form which requires deep listening and a commitment to presence.

Learning to be and to stay present with her is where our healing exists … do not underestimate the necessity of figuring this out. It will grant you a very different experience in this life.”

Chris Bale is a man who has come to realize the sacred power and healing in the feminine. A rarity among men who understands that a woman who is deeply in touch with her feminine sexual power is a like blazing flume — a love-channel of life, spirit and pure healing energy that allows, in full freedom and trust, to energetically express our joy in life and find healing in the sacred union.

Being loved upon is like soul syrup to the feminine. Deep sex with a conscious and present man is like medicine.

Consider the following script from Tamera — Sexuality as Sacred Power:

“Before patriarchal religions introduced the concept of sex as “sinful,” which they used to dominate people, ancient tribes saw Eros as a natural path to connecting with the sacred. Ancient feminine mystery knowledge placed women at the center of the tribe, where they could connect to nature and the goddess and practice fertility and sexuality rituals. To people living in harmony with the natural rhythms of the Earth’s cycles and all life around them, sex was part of the sacred practice of transformation.”

Deep sex is embodied with deep nourishment.

A transformative healing takes place when a woman is well-sexed by her “present” man. This is because deep penetration and intense connectedness supports and guides a woman back to her core. It creates contemporary pathways toward the heart and body. It unleashes her from stress and anxiety and keeps her connected with her vibrating orgasmic consciousness and spirit — all of which she needs to remain in health.

Bale goes on to state that: “You are dealing with a beautifully wild and insatiable love monster, who’s staple is conscious-cock with heart.”

This is done through a man’s capacity for presence; through deliberate and present sexual union.

Essentially, we are talking about two people coming together in absolute fusion to make high forms of love and intentionally tap into the healing power available in the spirit of true sexuality; lovers creating the space that allows us to trust, connect and touch upon the euphoric pleasures and essence of the universal reality of sexuality.

There lies the path and power of true healing for humanity; and there exists in all its wonderful glory the key to true self-realization and empowerment.

I cannot help but agree with Bale when he mentions that “every woman wants to feel her man’s reverence and honor between her thighs — She wants her heart to be f**ked wide open via his love; his conscious-cock and his firm connection with heart.”

“She wants to feel your Godliness, and she longs to drip down upon it, feeding your deepest essence with her nectar.”

Imagine a world when we begin to actually figure it out?

Start figuring it out. Please.


Originally published by Illumination on Medium

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relationships, Romance

How to Spot a Man with Decency

Why women can’t find them and what to look out for.


“Why can’t I find a good man?”

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard a woman complain about the lack of “decent” men in today’s world. Some men may have said the same about women.

This observation was made by women who have endured years of getting gipped in some form or fashion by the men they’ve allowed into their lives. Not even for the long-haul variety. Fly-by’s who play on the emotional strings of genuine people who desire commitment.

It appears connection and relationships between men and woman have taken a turn into murky waters in recent times. As if the real meaning of love is lost on most of us.

So, what going on?

Honestly, while I understand where these women are coming from, lack of decency does not only favor men. Far from it. We exist in an accessible, consumer-driven and feasible world where nothing is unattainable in terms of availability and convenience. Even when it comes to our relationships.

Just about everything and anyone is gettable or usable these days.

We can even Tweet to the President. Where is Elvis when you need him?

“Out with the old in with the new”

–  A colloquial English phrase from God knows how long ago.

But surge forth into the future we must! Like all things innovative and cutting-edge, something must give in order to break new ground. Unfortunately, global reachability, online fluffs and puffs, and thrifty convenience has come at a high price on the human-traits scale – it has compromised some of our most vital qualities that constitutes a decent human being.

We’ve sold our soul to the highest bidder on eBay.

Electronics, cars, fashion … toilet paper anyone?

Is it a no wonder that our relationships are suffering in the real world when authentic connection is commonly replaced by a disposable mindset?

Blackballing. Gaslighting. Ghosting. The “Big Chill” that demands we keep cool and pretend like we’re not in it. The Pump and Dump and Smash and Dash. The bed warmer you dis to your friends on social media.

Feelings are a passing moment of uncomfortableness when the next-in-line is in sight. It’s as if love and relationships have become expendable.    

The reason why many women believe that decency is lacking in men today is because not every man has the tenacity, desire or stamina to go the extra mile for love when love is considered a dime a dozen.

Sure, things might be all rosy when we’re in the initial love-cloud stages of a relationship. But when she or he becomes someone real with a real past and real expectations, the option to flip and run is as easy as a swift text message.

“Sorry, baby. You’re getting too deep and it’s not what I’m looking for.”  

– Since when has it been okay to break-up with someone via a text message, anyway?

Since the world became a digital copy of the real. A fact that breeds lower values and stifles integrity, as well as accepting negligent treatment – all of which contributes to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.   

Expectations have never been so low. Neither has the capacity or ambition to evolve through deliberate introspection. A quick glance at some of the comments made on my article, 4 Things Women in Their 40’s Really Want in a Man proves as much.

For those men who instantly became offended at the simple qualities I’d mentioned in that article, I can only assume ignorance on their part. Some of them were unable to understand the difference between women wanting a balanced and authentic connection, and downright criticism.

It’s all in the mindset and maturity level – the ability to set the ego aside long enough to realize that relationships are not a power-play at some online bidding-war.

If you want to discover the magic of real love, you have to be willing to surrender all the way. It’s not about one foot in and one foot out. It’s not about tit-for-tat either. Love can’t survive without putting in your heart – and I don’t mean the cushy emoji you just flicked on her screen.      

Fortunately, some of the comments the article received also shone a positive light on open-minded men who possess the ability to conceive and desire mutually satisfying and respectful relationships with women. Men who not only know what it takes to experience authentic connection, but also realize the importance of real love.

Real love and the ability to connect deeply begins with bringing back decency and desire for commitment. It’s about being honest from the start. If we want to connect – really connect, we have to be willing to cultivate and embody the qualities essential for mature love.

Love rituals are not about roses, chocolates and cute emojis. Love begins from within and soars from the heart; and it starts by being a decent person in your relationships.   

Decency in a relationship is many things. At its core is respect and practicing humane qualities. Decency is recognizing when real love comes calling and honoring the heart.

So, what makes a decent relationship?

Decent people. Mature men and women.

Here are some “decent” characteristics to think about:

Modesty and Humility

Not in the narrowminded way of women’s dress derived from Christianese dialect. I’m talking about the lowkey character traits of humility and humbleness. Modesty is the ability to think of others before yourself, rejecting self-importance and living from the heart space.    

Maturity is usually combined with modesty and humility.

You won’t find this trait in the smart alecks, the overbearing know-it-all’s or the self-appointed saviors. You find it in the unassuming and quiet – the person who realizes the value in silence.

Humility is not a weakness. It’s a strong characteristic worth building on and one of the most important aspects a good relationship should possess because it demonstrates appreciation.

Humbleness between two people shows respect.

Sincerity

Forget the shams and apple-polishing. We all want to know where we stand with the important people in our lives. Truthfully, being a good person is not hard – if you’re not looking for anything more than a fling, be upfront about it. Don’t lead her on and mess with her head when you know her feelings are genuine and she wants more from you.

Be honest about how you feel – whether that’s attempting to force something that’s no longer there or declaring your commitment to the one you adore.

It’s only the decent thing to do …

Tolerance

I have my peculiarities and you have yours. No one sees the world in quite the same way, so why expect that of our lovers?

It is our differences that make for interesting and engaging relationships.   

Tolerance is acceptance and an important component to decency. It’s realizing the imperfections in your mate and knowing she is utterly perfect regardless.

This is love-in-practice. Forgiveness and charity. If you’re unwilling to go there, then carry on – no one is perfect in this world; least of all, you.  

Tolerance is remaining gracious, considerate and courteous even when the pressure is on – and it plays a vital foundation to any true connection.

Wisdom

Qualifying sincerity, humbleness and tolerance with wisdom is the key to making the right decisions at the right time. A decent person with wisdom knows the value in a woman’s love and will strive to honor her heart while guiding the relationship toward a meaningful reality.

Wisdom is …

  • Understanding how the world works and how to make potential change without producing unintended consequences.
  • It’s curiosity and expanding your worldview.
  • It’s acting in ways that are likely to produce the best possible outcomes for everyone involved.
  • It’s having the foresight to know what you need to do to make a potential future a reality.
  • It’s knowing when to say I love you.

In the broadest interpretation, being decent in a relationship means the capacity to be compassionate and love. It choosing to be honest and sincere with your lover, and implies acceptance of the fact that we all have weaknesses and we all make mistakes.

Decency is rejecting equivocation, arrogance and double-talk to make the distinction about what you really want from your lover and then having the virtue to act accordingly. The heart demands decency; and does the person who has given theirs to you.


Originally published by The Good Men Project: Hello, Love on Medium

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