life, Love and Connection, relationships, Romance

16 Facts About Love That Might Surprise You

Other than what John Lennon said….

There’s no doubt about it, love is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

But have you ever stopped to consider why you feel the way you do?

Alright, so your one-and-only is the most incredibly sexy and creatively talented person you have ever encountered. He’s got you feeling like Zepplin’s Whole Lotta Love most daysand the others?

He drives you up batty-alley.

What is it about love, anyhow? Why do we physically fall in love, and what are some of the determining factors?

An endlessly fascinating subject.

The following are some interesting love-facts that might (or might not) surprise you.

And they are:

1. Two Hearts Really Do Beat as One

Yup —when you are in love, it’s not a myth. Apparently, when you gaze into your lover’s eyes for 3 minutes or longer, your heartbeats’ will naturally synchronize.

And you know what that means, don’t you?

Bingo — we really do connect through the heart and experience deep love via the windows of our souls.

2. Love Triggers an Empathetic Response

When two people are deeply bonded together, their empathy and compassion for each other turns into fire-on-water. As in an intense, selfless and at times, logic-defying phenomena — when your lover hurts, you hurt. When they bleed…

Well, you get the drift.

Don’t freak out if you experience this type of thing with your beloved, just means that your chemical love-bonds are doing pretty great in the connection department.

3. Eye Contact During Sex and Foreplay Arouses a Woman More Than When Your Eyes Are Closed

Please, please never underestimate the power of a lover’s romantic glare.

You do realize how hot and, erm… excited great eye contact can make a woman feel, right?

Extremely. Arousing.

4. The Longer You Hide Your Feelings for Someone the Harder You Fall for Them


I love you.

5. Unexpected Love Lasts Far Longer

Then out of nowhere, I met you.

The magic of unexpected love is a game-changer, usually showing up in our lives to generate a storm, shake things up and initiate deep inner-transformation.

Like a gift, yeah.


It’s almost always the purest and passionate of love that we will experience during our lifetimes.

Which brings me to….

6. The Deeper Your Feelings are For Someone, the Harder They Are to Express

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t express.

Though, sometimes there are just not enough words to justify the depth of our feelings, and our deepest admiration stands strong in pure silence.

Psychology Fact: The deeper your feelings the harder they are to express.

7. Bedrooms Will Influence Your Love Life

You know how when you enter a room and the energy of that space makes you feel a certain way? It’s the combo of scents, sounds and visuals sparking your senses and prompting your brain to interpret and react to your surroundings.

Well, the same applies for how your bedroom impacts the intimacy levels in a relationship.

Sexologist and relationship expert, Jessica O’Reilly has this to say about it:

“The way you choose to decorate your bedroom isn’t just aesthetic — the objects, scents, textures and sounds in your bedroom all subtly influence intimacy, especially if you share the space with a significant other.”

Yes, you may want to think twice about that TV sitting on your dresser or where you position your phone charger at night — they could very well be inhibiting your sex life.

8. Testosterone Plays a Powerful Role in a Man’s Love Life

Wearing cologne that simulates the odour of testosterone can enhance a woman’s love and attraction for you.

Here’s a list of male fragrances that I just Googled to get you going:

Top 10 Best Colognes to Attract Females 2020

9. Taking Someone on a First Date That Gets Their Heart Pumping Increases Their Chances of Falling in Love

Think roller coasters, fast cars or even a thriller movie.


Because it spikes their adrenaline and tricks them into believing they enjoyed spending time with you more than with any other person.

Danger is intoxicatingly giddy-exciting.

Though, keep in mind that….

10. You’ve Got About 27 Seconds to Make a Good Impression on Someone…

Andthe average person knows within 15 minutes into a date whether or not they want to see you again.

Make it count. Take a leap. Live dangerously.

11. Not arguing at all in a relationship suggests a lack of interest

People who care about one another tend to argue now and again.

Keep it fair and don’t forget to laugh at yourself and with each other.

12. Heartbreak is Real

Separation from a loved one can cause real physical pain. It is called Broken Heart Syndrome and is caused by emotional distress.

13. Breakups Are Tougher on Men

Yes, men are more likely to be emotionally affected by breakups than women, and…

14. Women Initiate More Divorces Than Men

On average, a woman suffers less post-breakup.

15. And Then She Will Change Her Hair

It’s a self-concept/letting go/I’m-in-control of my life thing.

New hair is like a new beginning; it just makes us feel better.

Speaking of hair…

16. People with More Toe Hair Are Better Lovers

Do you believe me?

Check your toes…

Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium.

life, Love and Connection, mindset, relationships, Romance, sexuality

A Sensual Man is Like a Piece of Art

The creative expression of love

I’ll never forget the night when sharing a few drinks with mates at a friend’s place, a much older guy took me aside to let me know that if there was ever a time when I wanted to discover what it felt like to make love to a real man, all I’d have to do is say the word.

He followed up by painting a picture of the long and leisurely hours he would spend making me feel so good, that I would swear off boys forever. He was in his forties; I was about sixteen.


The move was unexpected. Some might even say it was inappropriate. Ha. That’s life, dear friend. People have a way of throwing us a seriously strange loop from time to time. Best get used to it.

Speaking of loops, it wasn’t as if I was putting out “flirty” come-hither-signals his way or anything.


Lord, no.

In fact, by sixteen, I had already adopted a guarded attitude around men in the way that I was very conscious of how males perceived me and of my actions.

FYI: That happens to a girl when she encounters more than her fair share of unwanted male attention, and probably the reason why women often become intolerant and jaded by “sleazy” left-field pick-up lines and unexpected propositions from total strangers.

And yeah, these kind of pick-up artistry tactics were around way before neggingcat theory and strawberry fields became a thing. Like a prehistoric disposition ingrained in human behavior.

Best get used to that, too.

Anyhow, dealing with such an explicit offer from a much older man wasn’t on my “how-to” list of things to handle. It went a bit like this:

Panic. Button.

Help arrived with the appearance of a girlfriend, who happened to interrupt just as he was describing the way he wanted to flick his tongue against my lips. And I don’t mean the ones connected to my mouth.

The strangest thing about it was that once I recovered from the unexpected moment, I couldn’t help but ponder his very scandalous and very sexy offer.

He was right in that the quality of sex coming my way was, by all means primal and immature. Mostly, my carnal knowledge thus far had consisted of horny, rough finger play sessions, teeth where they shouldn’t be and cringe-worthy sucking. All of which preceded a main course of … erm … hard and fast shagging. It was a far cry from the exquisitely-put cunnilingus he had so artfully described.

Sensuality wasn’t a part of my world.

As you can imagine, the only sensual, slow burning passion that had made it anywhere near my all-you-can-eat, long and leisurely sex table arrived within private sexual fantasies and the occasional raunchy flick like Sea of Love.

Ah, Pacino…

I’m uncertain if it’s just that I’m a sucker for the dark, brooding sexy type, or if that Pacino’s killer screen presence totally blinded me — but damn, that man is like the pinnacle of sensuality in my book.

You saw the way he looked at Penelope Ann Miller in Carlito’s Way, right?

Mmm …. where was I?

The truth was that back then I didn’t yet know the touch of a man who really knew how to seduce, pleasure and handle a woman.

AKA: a sensual man.

Yeah, I may have been young and shy — perhaps even a little timid, and I was nowhere near the sexually-actualized woman that I am today, but I knew enough to know a sensual, sexually confident man when I saw one — even if I didn’t how to be the lover he had envisioned me to be.

Thankfully, things are different now.

The years have given me experience enough to know the kind of lover I want and need in my life. I am now a woman who knows how to handle a man in and out of the bedroom, and I understand my body in an intimate way. Which means that I can express exactly what I want in the bedroom to my significant other.

In other words, I’ve grown confident in expressing my sexuality in my relationships.

Pamela Madsen from HuffPost:

“A sexually confident woman is someone who actively pursues erotic and sensual pleasures. She’s not dependant on her partner for the expression of her sexuality, she enjoys touching her own body, and she’s not afraid to explore the world of sexual fantasy.”

Now, that sounds like a woman who celebrates her femininity and is fully expressed in her sexuality. It also sounds like the place where every woman should aspire to be.

Naturally, this type of woman is going to require a man who can hold his own beside her. Someone who understands who he is and what he wants out of life, and who is, like her, in touch with his sexual power and sensuality.

With that in mind, let’s get onto framing that art detailing what a sensual man looks like.

He has…

Artwork Like Creativity

There are no “ifs” or “buts” about it — creativity is just straight-up sexy and an extremely sensual quality for a man to possess.

Right? A creative man is driven by passion and deep desire, and tends to allow his heart and soul to lead the way over pure logic. He has a colorful flare for life with the ability to tap into and connect with his spirit and imagination.

When a creative man brings those qualities into focus on the woman he loves, his love is then charged with passion — pure, sensual magic.

From Noteable Life:

“One thing all artists and creative souls have in common is an insatiable passion — and a desire to express that passion. They tend to put their entire heart and soul into the task at hand — whether we’re creating a painting, writing the lyrics to a song, or in bed with friends, lovers, and significant others.”

A sensual man has artwork like creativity because creativity, imagination and passion are the fire crucible elements of deep love.

Artwork Like Sexual Confidence

Sexual confidence in a man is like a love-channel toward sexual expression and power.

It’s a distinct and intoxicating quality in a man which smells like all of life-force energy, sexual spirit and deep fusion. When a woman gets a whiff of a sexually confident man, she knows he will have no problem handling her most sensual desires.

Another thing to consider about sexual confidence is that our energies do speak volumes way before we even utter a word to someone. It’s like a personal vibration.

Take the example from the story I mentioned earlier. I knew exactly what was on that older man’s mind and that he could deliver in the bedroom just by being around him — he oozed sexual confidence.

A sexually confident man lets a woman know that he is amazing in bed and that he is open to sexual exploration — and honestly, it is a deliciously positive energy that will impact her beyond anything he could ever say out loud.

A sensual man has artwork like sexual confidence because he understands that deep sex with the woman he loves is pure energy healing in its most sacred form.

Artwork Like Eyes

Of all our facial features, our eyes are the most revealing.

Oh, sweet, sensual soul!

When a man knows how to hold his woman with his stare, he actually conveys deeper meaning through his eyes which lets her know that he holds space for and is fully present with her.

It’s like the secret, intimate and intense look he saves just for her, and it is as sensual as hell. A woman can’t ever get enough of such a look from the man she loves.

More about the eyes from Every Day Health:

“When compared with an attractive face, voice, or body odor, a large, dilated pupil is associated with the most attractiveness in both sexes. That’s because when people are aroused, that black circle in the middle of the eye enlarges. Both men and women find this arousal sign attractive, even if only subconsciously.”

A sensual man has artwork like eyes because he knows to “see” his woman is to acknowledge, know, love and connect with her in full presence — like soul syrup for two.

Artwork Like Humor

A man who is touch with his sensuality is someone who is honest, funny and playful without being childish. Yes, humor can be sensual because laughing together is creating positive feel-good vibes between the two of you.

Laughing with your mate is plain uplifting, while at the same time, it strengthens communication and meaningful bonding — not to mention that connected humor really is soul nourishing.

Psychology Today: “A good sense of humor is one of the most desirable traits in a mate, especially in the early stages of dating. Women are particularly interested in a man with a sense of humor, or more specifically, someone that will make them laugh.”

And while we’re on the subject…

Great communication is like adding a dose of sensuality in your love language in that when intentionally achieved on all levels — verbally, soulfully, spiritually and sexually — as well as taking non-verbal cues from your lover, is when great communication has the ability to transcend the relationship to higher states of “being” together.

Think of it in terms of releasing the “genie in a bottle” between you and your lady-lover. It’s that profound in a relationship.

Only good things can unfold from there, because reaching that beautiful level of communication is the ultimate space existing in the realm of love and connection.

A little more about communicating:

A good communicator is someone who is able to not only think, speak and engage in all types of conversation — from witty banter to deep, meaningful discussions — but he is also able to listen to and practice hearing his woman.

A sensual man has artwork like humor and communication because he possesses attributes like self-awareness, integrity, kindness and empathy, and he knows that to fully connect with his woman is to express himself from his authentic heart.

Artwork Like Love

The expression of love is sensual in nature by default — especially when expressed with a full heart, compassion and much attentiveness.

No other emotion can elicit the depth of sensual, erotic feelings as pure love.

A sensual man is in touch with emotional intimacy and he’s not afraid to take the journey into higher states of love with his special woman. In fact, he invites change and personal transformation through love and connection.

I love how Chris Bales describes it when he said:

“There are cornerstones of a man’s development; sexual understanding and implementation is a huge part of the greater whole. Really learning how to be with a woman’s body and soul is a true art form which requires deep listening and a commitment to presence.”

A sensual man is artwork like love because he understands that to love is to be present with love. He is a man who is in touch with his masculinity, yet cherishes and fully respects the sacred gifts discovered in his woman’s femininity; and he will charge forward in love wholeheartedly — the artwork of a sensual man.

Originally published by P.S I love You on Medium

Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Soul, Women

What Makes a Man an Unforgettable Lover?

There are those among us who think of sex as nothing more than a means to an end. It often starts out this way, during those tempestuous teen years when our raging hormones demand that we explore the alluring world of sex. Sex is a built-in motive we lust after to satisfy our ardent curiosity as well as our growing physiological needs.

We have all been there.

The first guy I had sex with had an insatiable sex drive. He was more experienced than me but once we started, it was on for young and old – anywhere, anytime. It didn’t matter where we were or who was around, there was a time when his hand almost became a permanent addition in my panties.

Hmm … maybe that’s where my love of fingers originated. He did have skill in the finger department, but that’s about where it ended.

Our relationship lasted for 5 years before we called it quits. He thought that he’d be able to come back and marry me some future day when he was ready. I thought otherwise, and it had nothing to do with the fact that although we had been highly active in the bedroom, he wasn’t a great lover.


It’s like the million-dollar question for women everywhere. We can never quite tell for sure if a man is going to be great in the sack until we’re actually rolling in it with him. I mean, every man knows the basics – give her a smooch; fondle her here; rub there; part her thighs and hammer in. But that’s just sex.  

Any guy can sex it up but that doesn’t make him an unforgettable lover.

Personally, I feel as if the tell-tale signs of a man’s sexual prowess may be prevalent through his developed tastes, level of creativity and small nuances outside of the bedroom.

Men who have a creative side and practice extracurricular activities are usually more broad-minded, soulful and more in tune with their senses and with life. As are those men who are spontaneous and adventurous – who are not uptight or feel the need to schedule every minute of every day. Guys with these types of characteristics tend to show up in the bedroom and make for better lovers.

My ex-boyfriend was all about the visual senses and fast-action and less about exploring and developing sensual pleasures and savouring my body. His arousal was defined by handling me as if I was his sex-toy – here to serve and please his desires with little regard for my own. He enjoyed my body, but only to the extent his primitive style of passion allowed. In other words, he was never interested in refining his skills as a lover – and no, he didn’t possess a creative flair or a deep passion to experience life in new ways.

He was rather humdrum.  

Not every man or woman is actually interested in taking the time to learn how to be a great lover, opting instead to remain a lousy lay and/or continue to see sex as a means to an end – orgasmic release or an act carried out for the purpose of pro-creation.

Both viewpoints are kind of dull if you ask me. Imagine if we only had sex to procreate?

Frustration. Overload.  

We are sexually driven creatures by nature and the fact is that sex is one of the greatest aspects of our humanity. Anyone who has experienced orgasmic heaven and real connection with an attentive lover can attest to that. Sex is pleasurable and fun; it helps to relieve stress and strengthens our relationships and connections – it is the ultimate expression of love.

Speaking of expressions of love, here’s a few ultimate traits that I consider vital in making a man an unforgettable lover:

Lips Like Seduction

Kissing can be totally amazing or … erm … worthy of a good cringe followed by a fast excuse to bail out.

The way a man kisses a woman is a huge indication of his underlying passion to connect deeply – and deep connection is what makes an unforgettable lover.

But please don’t throw in the towel too early. We all know that first kiss can be a little nerve-wracking and less-than-perfect what with the pressure and all – but if it begins to heat up and gets you all bothered, then pay attention, girl – you may have a Casanova on your hands!

An unforgettable lover knows how to use his lips like a seductive artform to induce a rush of deep arousal in his woman; and he enjoys every moment of building the sexual tension through his kiss.

Passion Like Fever

Love is the most important element in a relationship and passion is the fire that helps to create total fusion. There must exist an intense sexual desire for your partner and a deep need to express strong emotion through love-making to reach the next level in intimacy.

Sometimes, the only way to channel and express our emotions in totality is through the act of sex. Like an outlet for our deepest and most sacred parts. We cannot always fully articulate the depth of our feelings to the person we love – so, when words are not enough, we use our bodies; bonding through our passion can convey infinitely beautiful feelings.  

An unforgettable lover possesses and expresses his feelings in his lover’s touch – he isn’t afraid to show his love for his woman through acts of unbridled passion.       

Attentiveness Like Arousal

The most unforgettable lovers are the ones who are in tune with their woman and are attentive to her needs and desires in the bedroom.

Forget the 5-minute wham-bam. There will be no thank you, ma’am’s from this side of the table. A man who is an unforgettable lover knows the importance of pacing; he’s the real chill-deal who relishes sweet sensations and sensual caresses, and he will take his cues from his woman – her pleasure is his greatest turn-on.

Psychology Today: “One of women’s main sexual complaints about their lovers is that men rush into intercourse before women feel ready for genital play.”

I can’t tell you how many times my lady friends have expressed the very same thing – slow down and then get a little slower.

An unforgettable lover considers his lover’s entire body his erotic playground and savours every inch – he knows how to prime her for the main event.

But not before…  

Tongue Like Erotica

It would be impossible to not add the fine and delicate art of cunnilingus to a list of traits constituting an unforgettable lover. He must honor the pussy who he seeks to take and if he can’t or won’t give her the gift of his passionate kiss in her most intimate parts, then all cards are off the table.

More than just eating pussy; it’s a constitution that requires developed skill and intentional attention to tap into and connect with his woman’s essence via his lips and tongue.

An unforgettable lover has a strong desire to know his woman’s body and learn what turns her on. He wants to taste her sex – he knows that her scent is all his and he’ll push her to the edge of desire – allowing her to linger in the throes of erotica, lust and love as he ignites her inner-Sex Goddess.

An unforgettable lover is a man who has passion, patience and a deep sense of appreciation for love, connection and all of life. He is open to experiencing moments of vulnerability and probably has a delightful kinky side, too, but most importantly, he sees sex for what it really is – a gift. A beautiful, beautiful gift.  

Originally published by Sexography on Medium.


Are Women Control Freaks or Are Men Just Lazy?

 “Hmm … nice bed-making skills.”

“I made the bed. I could just not make it and leave it for you to do.”

“No, don’t do that. Feel free to keep making it.”

I like my bed sheets tucked snugly, particularly at the bottom of the bed. Then I get to mess them up again when I hop into bed at night. Rumpled sheets at the onset is one of my pet hates. We all have them.

He never does it right. Wait — I’m going to reframe that statement — he never does it like me. His bed-making tactics involve a hasty heist of blanket and sheets over the bed and maybe a little adjustment here and there. He never tucks. He’ll get in bed and make disgruntled noises as he pushes my tight tucks out with his feet.

What can I say? He’s a free spirit.

Even has those words tattooed on his arm.

He’ll make a joke about my iron-fisted tucks just as I give him lip for his free-form style, but he never complains about it and I have learned to not complain about his messy version of a bed-make.

The fact that he’s making the bed is enough.

“I’ll just do it.”

How many times do women utter those words to her man because he doesn’t do something the way she likes it done?

It begins early when a relationship is getting all domesticated-like. Women get in the home and want everything just so. It’s like some kind of inbuilt “Sadie Queen Nurturer Syndrome” (SQNS) or something, and it has been drummed into us since birth.

SQNS seems to encompass just about everything — the laundry; the way the dishwasher is stacked; dressing the kids; cooking and general cleaning; lining the garbage bin; remembering birthdays and important stuff like events and appointments … and for crying out loud — that is totally not how you brush the kid’s hair.

Women can be control freaks like that.

Our way or the highway, baby.

It gets worse when kids burst on the scene, especially during those first years and I’ll tell you why — it is mothering instinct overdrive. Otherwise known as maternal gatekeeping.

Gemma Hartley from

“Maternal gatekeeping is the act of standing between men and their ability to become full and equal partners by micromanaging or bulldozing their efforts … Women, some men believe, just won’t give up control who have exacting standards they think the men in their lives can’t follow.”

For some women, it kicks in like an unstoppable superpower after the birth of a baby. It can make the difference between sink or swim for us. Life is suddenly very different. Smooth routine, systems and efficiency is what saves our sanity. That, and maybe a glass of wine every now and then.

More from Hartley:

“From childhood, women are bombarded with cultural messaging that tells us we are the only ones qualified for this work. We’re told in ways both overt and subtle that emotional labor is our birthright. We’re “naturally” more in tune with our emotional side. We’re “naturally” more organized. We’re “naturally” better at keeping a household running, planning holidays, arranging childcare, noticing the details.”

Hmm … there is a lot of “natural-a-lees” going on up there, but is it really true?

We do naturally get it in our heads that we are “nurturers” and less than a woman if we are not. Then we begin to reinforce our cultural “facts” and practice them by taking on the heavy mental and emotional load in the domestic sphere needed to keep a household running smoothly — we become the emotional labor hub of the family and take everything on ourselves by doing things like:

Initiating delicate or important conversations, managing schedules and routines, remembering to send birthday and holiday cards to relatives, and asking for help (sometimes repeatedly) emptying the dishwasher or getting a start on dinner — e.g. Emotional Labor.

He usually doesn’t do it the right way, or … um … our way. Then we speak that fated phrase:

“I’ll just do it.”

You know what happens next?

A man will actually stop trying to help. He will figure there’s no point if he can’t do it right. He will also use a woman’s “I’ll just do it” resistance as an excuse to not even try. Which in turn gives rise to nagging and eventually, the shady road toward resentment and good old discord.

I’ve seen it happen time and time again and witnessed the consequences: Unbalance. Estrangement. Indifference. Resentment.

Doesn’t have to be this way.

I learned early on in my life to quit being so precious about how things run in the household. It was a matter of shifting my perspective to let go of the need to control everything. I would ask myself the same questions that still run through my mind when I feel that itch bristle beneath the surface: Does it really matter how he does it? And: Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?

Of course, I want to be happy. Duh.

I found that a large part of finding happiness was to relinquish control to the universal truth — our men are capable of taking on more emotional labor than we give them credit for and moreover, they want to do it.

For you.

If he loves you, he wants to be of service. That’s love.

So what if he doesn’t do it like you? At least he’s doing it.

When our children were small, my husband had his own way of doing things when he was on “baby watch”. He didn’t always stick to the routine I had worked so hard to achieve and he would choose unusual out-of-season outfits to dress the kids in before taking them out. More than once, I’d show up, take one look at sour-milk-reeking baby smothered in dried up bits of the last meal and cringe on the inside.

I would wonder why on earth the kid still had her eyes open, was sucking on something foreign and stunk like mac and cheese. Then, I’d immediately go for a diaper-check-feel.

Mother-mode instincts. Overdrive.

Though, never once did I chide him for doing things a different way to me. I was just grateful that he was there to help out and realized that it didn’t matter how he chose to do things so long as the baby was cared for and happy.

Baby always was and so was dad.

I also didn’t want to take away the inner-goodness that I knew he was feeling for demonstrating his capabilities as a father and a husband. It made him feel competent, equal and purposeful that he was able to embrace his fatherly and husbandly roles without being subjected to disapproval from me — mother hen.

Besides, by no means did I want him to stop helping out. No. Way. You got to weigh that up. It’s human nature to not offer assistance when your efforts are repeatedly cut-down by your spouse.

Men need to feel useful and helpful to their women because when a good man knows he is easing a load off from his woman, he feels validated and worthy as her mate and this plays a large part in how he shows her that he cares.

The fact that I have been on the flip side to this situation has probably made a significant impact in the way I see household balancing roles between men and women. My first husband was the control freak. It was he that wanted everything “just so” and me that could do no right.

I know how it feels to be ridiculed for the little things — hell, according to my ex-husband, I couldn’t even hang a bathroom towel correctly.

He was the maternal gatekeeper — the domestic bulldozer who saw fit to organize my organizing; and you know what else I know about it?

It is much less about wanting to control, use or delegate emotional labor as an excuse to nit-pick and nag as much as a symptom of an already imbalanced relationship.

I think we tend to use emotional labor as a scapegoat; a passive-aggressive means to claim some kind of control over our feelings, express dissatisfaction in the relationship and our lives when we ought to be striving to create more collaborative connections about what’s important in our shared existence.

This means practicing self-awareness, empathy and open communication about how both partners are going to show up and develop a set of shared living standards that works for them. Which will invoke compromise and the desire to tune into the emotional labor it takes to do what’s required in a way that keeps everyone’s best interest in mind.

You’ve got to ease up on things in life. No one will die because the dishwasher was stacked a little … moronically.

Is that even a word?

My husband never makes our bed how I prefer it to be made, but he never complains when he catches me creep in after him to tuck in the sheets the way I like them to be tucked — at least on my side of the bed.

He can keep his free-spirited untuck on his side and that works for the both of us because we have been able to meet in a place that makes sense to us.

Balance doesn’t always need to be about a 50/50 split; it just means that both people need to show up for 100% of the emotional labor to achieve smooth collaboration on the domestic front. Then, we can get on with the important stuff — like messing up that bed again.

Originally published by P.S. I Love You on Medium

Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality

4 Ways to Make Her Feel Sexy When She’s Not in the Mood

She needs to feel like a woman if you want quality love.

Don’t balk. If you’re one of those men who constantly reminisce about the days when your woman used to swing it for you like Miley Cyrus on a Wrecking Ball because she’s no longer eager in the bedroom, I’m here to tell you that no amount of nostalgia will bring back those steamy sex sessions.

The days of romping around in bed all day are gone. Life happens and so do kids, work, mortgages and households.

One of my girlfriends has been with her man for some fifteen years. Three kids. Two careers. Most of the household responsibilities are on her.

He gets to leave for work in the early hours to return to a clean home, washed children and a hot meal every day.

She gets to leave for work after arranging the kid’s morning routines and dropping off to school, returning to a home that needs upkeeping, kids who need help with their homework, a meal that needs preparing and showers that need to partake if she wants to keep her kids clean.

She does.

He goes to bed at 8:30pm. He even has an alarm set on his phone to remind him of bedtime. One evening a week, it is sex-night.

After a year of couple counselling, they eventually made a written agreement which covered an array of the issues plaguing their relationship.

She wanted him to stop drinking, be more considerate, help out more around the house and with their children, as well as curb his passive-aggressive tendencies. 

He wanted Miley Cyrus back.

Huge difference. This was his number one (and two … maybe three) issue to prioritize his list of what he deemed the most important aspects in their relationship.


Nowadays, if she dares to renege on her part of the agreement (E.g. Tired), the shit hits the fan in the form of pouting lips, child-like griping and persistent critical jabs followed by bouts of speech that begin with the words: “Remember when you used to …”

Two things:

  1. A written agreement to sleep with your wife?
  2. Memories won’t bring back the passion, sir.

Neither will said agreement.

I mean, come on – it’s not neuroscience. If you feel as if sex is lacking in your relationship, the last thing that is going to work to recreate the sensual flames is to uphold a written agreement.

How about some thoughtfulness? A little action … effort?

How about adopting a mature and growth mindset, and taking the time to learn what makes her feel sexy?  

That’s something a written agreement cannot produce. No matter how many times you sign the damn thing.

Each woman is different. What makes me feel sexy might not work for every woman, but isn’t learning what makes her hot a tantalizing challenge to undertake?

We all want some pleasure in our lives. A little sexual release. Its natural.  

We change. None of us are the same people we were when we first met, which means adapting and evolving is essential to a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship. Naturally this spills over into the love-making scene.

What made her horny years ago has probably revolutionized with her human development. Yours too. 

I can’t promise a Wrecking Ball scene, but let’s discuss some the hot stuff that may help to reignite her inner sex-goddess:

Mind-F**k Her

To the forward-thinking guy who seeks to give and receive pleasure from his woman, I couldn’t think of a better way to begin than mental stimulation.

Women are wired differently to men when it comes to sex. We need to feel a certain connection. It ripples into the sex. Trust me.

You don’t need a masters degree. You just have to bring something interesting to the pre-sex lingo.

Intriguing her mind will moisten her panties.

A need for mental connection is a must for many women in order to move ahead with her physical chemistry – this is true for new and seasoned relationships.

When you get to the “loving” part, it’s unbelievably mind-blowing.   

It’s like a sexuality continuum – desire begins and continues in the mind. When she is feeling connected and bonded to her man, the stimulation overflows into total love-flavored ecstasy.

Use Your Lips

I love lips. Even better when they’re whispering in my ear with your face close so that I can feel your warm breath and man-skin against my own.  

It’s just sexy.

It doesn’t even matter what you say, so long as you say it.

Lips are especially good for kissing too.

Deep, passionate Frenchies. Light feathery body grazes. Sensual sucking.


Kissing releases the body’s feel-good chemicals. I just discovered that thinking about it does too (mental stimulation right there).

Seriously, often the art of kissing is lost between long-term couples. Rekindle the passion with the gift of your beautiful lips. Make the moments count.

Lips are also particularly good for: Dirty talk. Compliments. Charm. Making her laugh – sexy stuff going on there.     

Erotic Massage

Hello fingers. 

Scented candles. Sexy vibes. Hot towels. Skin on skin.  

You’ll definitely want to make the oil an edible variety for where this scene is headed.

There is nothing quite like the sensation of touch to kickstart arousal. Follow it with a helping of number 2 and it’s more than happy days.

Benefits of sensual massage: Mental relaxation. Emotional rejuvenation. Sexual arousal. Stress relief. Helps to release negativity. Promotes intimacy and helps you let go of insecurities.

And besides, it just feels damned good.

Want to hear her moan?

Focus on her erogenous zones – the parts of her body with heightened sensitivity. This will create her sexual response.

Is it getting hot in here?

Be a Gentleman

Yes, being a gentleman is still relevant today and most women still like a bit of chivalry. We appreciate being treated like ladies.

From 10 Qualities of a Modern Gentleman – Final Touch website.

“Today, being a gentleman is a matter of choice. It is a title you earn through an unwavering commitment to invest in your character. Gentlemen are not stiff, pretentious, or focused on elevating themselves. Instead, they strive to succeed while helping those around them succeed as well. Being a gentleman means that you care about how your choices impact others. It is about human connection.”

I like it.

Being a gentleman encompasses many attributes. At its basic core, it is the desire to be graceful and respectful in your attitude and outlook on life.

This means throwing away things like written agreements, and accepting change while possessing a strong desire to be intimate with your woman because you want to be with her and not just because you want to get your rocks off.

The experience transcends into something much more meaningful when we really connect. Besides, fewer utterly mind-blowing sexual encounters surpass a quick fix anytime.

Make her feel like a woman.  

She’ll be putty in your hands.

*Originally published by Sexography on Medium

Introverts, relationships

How to Tell If an Introverted Woman is Interested in You

Here are 6 surefire signs to look out for.

It took me a long time to figure out and accept that I was an introvert. For some reason, I had figured being an introvert meant that I lacked important attributes that made for an appealing human being who could easily relate to others.

Attractive personality qualities like energetic social skills, assertiveness and vivaciousness. I was never the “life of the party” type, preferring to keep a low profile and observe.

During my younger years, I found it difficult to strike up conversations with my peers and form friendships. I was always quiet and reserved, choosing my people wisely and treasuring them all the more for it. When it came to guys, for a very long time I chose no one at all.

That didn’t mean I didn’t have crushes – I did, only nobody else knew about it. I discovered early on that guys liked me. Perhaps it was my quiet disposition and my unassuming nature, or maybe they just found me attractive. Whatever the reason, it has taken me a lot of years; inner-work and building on experience to be able to feel comfortable around the men I find attractive, and then actually express my interest in them.

An introverted woman is naturally hard to crack. She tends to build invisible walls around herself that only a few select people are ever permitted entry. Like all introverts, she excels at observing. So, when she is interested in a man, she will meticulously find out more about him – she’ll quietly study his moves, habits and personality; asses his goals, interests, dreams and lifestyle before making a choice as to whether he might fit into her world.

Chances are that an introvert woman may come across hot and cold at first. This is usually because she may struggle with finding her social “middle ground” of communication with you – she won’t want to freak you out by spending too much time with you, but she won’t want to shut you out either.    

If, at times, she comes across as aloof, snobby or indifferent, its usually more about a case of the nerves and/or clamming up, and less about being uninterested.

Personally, I have always struggled with overcoming my naturally shy tendencies. So, when I realize that I’m falling for a man, my first instinct totally goes against all “mating” protocol – I clam up and avoid him like the plague for a while.


Because my logical brain knows that feelings of attraction merely skim the surface in a potential mate. For the introverted woman, there must exist deeper and more meaningful qualities in a guy for her to move forward in the relationship. She must be able to trust herself with him, and trust that he will honor her feelings.  

 If she’s anything like me, she’ll need the space and time to process what she’s feeling and more importantly why she’s feeling it.

Once she’s established how she feels about you, she will be ready to test the waters some more – tediously perhaps, but ready nonetheless. Her moves and signs will be subtle and at times may leave you utterly baffled about what’s really going on. Keep in mind, though, that her deep and star-gazing world is unique and quirky; and worth every bit of the effort it takes to become a part of it.

For those men who have an introvert woman in their life but are a clueless as to whether or not she is interested in you, here are some signs to look out for:

She stares

But it will most likely be horribly awkward because the only thing she’s got on her side when you’re around is her ability to “think” – direct eye contact may distract her from her usually fast working brain. She will take every opportunity to study you in-action when you’re not in direct conversation with her.

Introverts crave to know things – she’s usually always in research mode, so you’ll most likely catch her glancing or frowning over at you quite frequently.

Questions are her love language

When an introvert woman doesn’t care about someone, she couldn’t care less about their favorite songs or greatest fears. If she genuinely likes you, she’ll want to gather as much information about you as she can – this means she will dive deep and go for the big stuff – dreams, desires, philosophy; what your MBTI and star sign is (so she study up on those and learn how to communicate with you).

She’ll also be interested in the insignificants; throwing you random questions that may surprise you – and she will remember all the details. 

She will shut up and listen.

Introverts love talking to people who seem interested but if you are talking about something and she just listens intently and even encourages you to keep talking by asking questions, that means she is very interested in what you have to say and wants you to know that.

Honestly, even though an introvert woman has probably already thought up any idea you procure—she will willingly listen to your ideas and love every one of them.

At the other end of the spectrum …

She may try and debate you intellectually. If an opinion or argument is stated, many introvert personalities will love to play devil’s advocate to gage just how much you know on that subject. But don’t be offended if this happens because this may be her way of acknowledging your intellect and actually complimenting it – she wouldn’t try so hard to prove an idiot wrong.

Sometimes she may actually agree with you, but just likes to see you in your philosophical, intellectual state.

She shares her deepest thoughts and dreams.

Typically, introverts don’t usually talk about personal topics with just anyone, preferring to discuss more general things. This is because she needs time to emerge from her shell and reveal her true self. If she begins to talk with you about her feelings, interests, ideas, likes, and dislikes, this means she’s into you and feels comfortable being around you.

It also shows that she trusts you to understand her. Introverts are very used to being pushed under the rug or misunderstood, so if she has the guts to finally open up -even about insignificant things, she likes you. Big time.

She shows you that she cares.

Introverts are loyal when it comes to the people they love and cherish. She will be attentive to you and show you a great deal of care and compassion if she considers you to be a part of her inner-circle.

She will love to spend time on her own – this is her way of keeping her inner-world balanced while processing her thoughts and emotions. So, if you’re invited into what appears to be her personal space to spend time with her there, this is a definite sign that she enjoys your company and is interested in you.

Despite her need for deep introspection and dedicated world-reflection time, your introvert woman is a creature just like you – she really does like to spend time with the people who matter to her and she’s not as hard to read as you might think. You just need to pay extra attention.

Originally published by The Good Men Project via Hello Love on Medium.

Humor, relationships, Romance

Dear Men: Your Beard May Become its Own Love-Destiny

Let’s clear this up once and for all — beards are sexy. And frankly, it is a damn shame to a see a man who is capable of growing a nice spread of facial hair forgo his God-given stubbly gifts to the razor.

But there is a catch — I’m not just talking about any kind of beards. Certainly not the unruly, extra-long variety that conjure disturbing thoughts of what might be breeding among the wiry tangle. No.

Lord, no.

The kind of beard I’m hitting on is the simple but effective full-trimmed beard or the gorgeously heavy stubble. Either will do just fine. In fact, a write-up at states “that a neatly trimmed full beard tops the list of things a man can grow on his face by virtue of the fact that it shows he has the patience to grow a beard and the wherewithal to keep it neat and tidy.”

Appealing. Sexy. Attractive.

Beards are much more than just a fashion statement or the ever-contentious subject in the domain of male grooming practices. From Grizzly Adams to scruffy day-old stubble, they are essentially a manifestation of a man’s masculinity and imbued with social messages.

I have been asking around; getting the facial-hair low-down with some of my lady friends. Turns out, I’m not the only woman who cheers and celebrates the heavily stubbled jawlines of our male counterparts. There are others; many others. Women everywhere find beards incredibly tempting and as it happens, studies report that beards can play a significant role in a man’s love life.

Researchers from the University of Queensland in Australia gathered data from 8,520 women and concluded that: “Overall, the women said the sexiest men were those sporting heavy stubble, followed by short stubble. Men with full beards and clean-shaven men were rated the lowest on the overall sexiness scale.”

Hmm … sexiness scale. I like it.

The heavy stubble or well-trimmed beard has been said to make a man appear confident and approachable, too.

A quick pause and worth reiterating: Do not confuse the alluring, well-trimmed beard with the scruffy snack holder where you store crumbs and other food morsels that it happens to catch. You know, the full-blown beards that might tempt you to decorate with seasonal ornaments come Christmas time.

Please don’t do that.

And please consider removing the porn-stache if that’s your thing, too. Think John Holmes and then think again. The early pornographic actor’s life may have been measured in inches but in this case, the inches work against you.

I mentioned as much to a brief love-interest of mine when I had first started seeing him some years ago. I know, it sounds a bit … erm … mean, but he was really out of touch with the what-goes of facial hairdom, and he wasn’t nearly over 50.

Brief pause: Dear men, if you’re over 50 you have earned the right to do whatever you like with your facial hair, with the exception of a soul patch (the small tuff of hair between the lower lip and chin) and the goat patch (extended version of the soul patch).

Anyway, love-interest quickly took to the razor and emerged from the bathroom with an upper-lip that resembled a freshly plucked chicken. Porn-stache was gone but something was terribly off … the clean-shaven look just didn’t suit him. Nor did he feel comfortable minus the lip rug. So, he embarked on growing and maintaining a nice heavy stubble.

And it was sexy.

It’s not just women who prefer bearded alpha males — men also prefer men with facial hair. The same study revealed that “men feel more masculine by growing a beard — had higher levels of serum testosterone, which was linked to a higher level of social dominance. They also tended to subscribe to more old-school beliefs about gender roles in their relationships with women as compared to men with clean-shaven faces.”

Another pause to contemplate a few cool bearded men: Hello, John Lennon. ZZ Top. Gandalf. Jason Momoa. Brad Pitt and … Santa.

The authors of the study theorize that for women who are looking for a long-term mate, beardedness may be more attractive as it “indicates a male’s ability to compete for resources.”

Many women tend to associate more masculine faces with physical strength and social assertiveness, finding men with facial hair to be attractive and dominant, both socially and physically. The beard enhances these traits in men and is a strong representation of masculine energy.

Kind of like the Yin and Yang dynamic between the sexes.

Most people know or have at least heard of Yin and Yang. Yang is masculine and Yin feminine. Everything contains Yin and Yang energies, including each of us. They are two opposite yet complimentary energies.

The ancient Taoists believed that every relationship is a complex balancing act, namely balancing Yin and Yang.

Furthermore, Yin is what makes you want to receive sexual energy from another person and Yang is what makes you want to initiate sex with your partner. This suggests the underlying primal need for women to be naturally drawn toward bearded men; to balance her femininity, if you will.

And there may lie a man’s love-destiny and self-fulfilling prophecy — in the lovely folds of a well-groomed beard.

Having said that, I am starkly aware that some men have difficulties growing facial hair, or just plain prefer the clean-shaven look. As does some women. All of which is totally fine. So long as there are fewer neckbeards and Fu Manchu in the world, we’re all winning.

Originally published by The Good Men Project in Hello, Love on Medium.

relationships, Romance

How to Spot a Man with Decency

Why women can’t find them and what to look out for.

“Why can’t I find a good man?”

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard a woman complain about the lack of “decent” men in today’s world. Some men may have said the same about women.

This observation was made by women who have endured years of getting gipped in some form or fashion by the men they’ve allowed into their lives. Not even for the long-haul variety. Fly-by’s who play on the emotional strings of genuine people who desire commitment.

It appears connection and relationships between men and woman have taken a turn into murky waters in recent times. As if the real meaning of love is lost on most of us.

So, what going on?

Honestly, while I understand where these women are coming from, lack of decency does not only favor men. Far from it. We exist in an accessible, consumer-driven and feasible world where nothing is unattainable in terms of availability and convenience. Even when it comes to our relationships.

Just about everything and anyone is gettable or usable these days.

We can even Tweet to the President. Where is Elvis when you need him?

“Out with the old in with the new”

–  A colloquial English phrase from God knows how long ago.

But surge forth into the future we must! Like all things innovative and cutting-edge, something must give in order to break new ground. Unfortunately, global reachability, online fluffs and puffs, and thrifty convenience has come at a high price on the human-traits scale – it has compromised some of our most vital qualities that constitutes a decent human being.

We’ve sold our soul to the highest bidder on eBay.

Electronics, cars, fashion … toilet paper anyone?

Is it a no wonder that our relationships are suffering in the real world when authentic connection is commonly replaced by a disposable mindset?

Blackballing. Gaslighting. Ghosting. The “Big Chill” that demands we keep cool and pretend like we’re not in it. The Pump and Dump and Smash and Dash. The bed warmer you dis to your friends on social media.

Feelings are a passing moment of uncomfortableness when the next-in-line is in sight. It’s as if love and relationships have become expendable.    

The reason why many women believe that decency is lacking in men today is because not every man has the tenacity, desire or stamina to go the extra mile for love when love is considered a dime a dozen.

Sure, things might be all rosy when we’re in the initial love-cloud stages of a relationship. But when she or he becomes someone real with a real past and real expectations, the option to flip and run is as easy as a swift text message.

“Sorry, baby. You’re getting too deep and it’s not what I’m looking for.”  

– Since when has it been okay to break-up with someone via a text message, anyway?

Since the world became a digital copy of the real. A fact that breeds lower values and stifles integrity, as well as accepting negligent treatment – all of which contributes to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.   

Expectations have never been so low. Neither has the capacity or ambition to evolve through deliberate introspection. A quick glance at some of the comments made on my article, 4 Things Women in Their 40’s Really Want in a Man proves as much.

For those men who instantly became offended at the simple qualities I’d mentioned in that article, I can only assume ignorance on their part. Some of them were unable to understand the difference between women wanting a balanced and authentic connection, and downright criticism.

It’s all in the mindset and maturity level – the ability to set the ego aside long enough to realize that relationships are not a power-play at some online bidding-war.

If you want to discover the magic of real love, you have to be willing to surrender all the way. It’s not about one foot in and one foot out. It’s not about tit-for-tat either. Love can’t survive without putting in your heart – and I don’t mean the cushy emoji you just flicked on her screen.      

Fortunately, some of the comments the article received also shone a positive light on open-minded men who possess the ability to conceive and desire mutually satisfying and respectful relationships with women. Men who not only know what it takes to experience authentic connection, but also realize the importance of real love.

Real love and the ability to connect deeply begins with bringing back decency and desire for commitment. It’s about being honest from the start. If we want to connect – really connect, we have to be willing to cultivate and embody the qualities essential for mature love.

Love rituals are not about roses, chocolates and cute emojis. Love begins from within and soars from the heart; and it starts by being a decent person in your relationships.   

Decency in a relationship is many things. At its core is respect and practicing humane qualities. Decency is recognizing when real love comes calling and honoring the heart.

So, what makes a decent relationship?

Decent people. Mature men and women.

Here are some “decent” characteristics to think about:

Modesty and Humility

Not in the narrowminded way of women’s dress derived from Christianese dialect. I’m talking about the lowkey character traits of humility and humbleness. Modesty is the ability to think of others before yourself, rejecting self-importance and living from the heart space.    

Maturity is usually combined with modesty and humility.

You won’t find this trait in the smart alecks, the overbearing know-it-all’s or the self-appointed saviors. You find it in the unassuming and quiet – the person who realizes the value in silence.

Humility is not a weakness. It’s a strong characteristic worth building on and one of the most important aspects a good relationship should possess because it demonstrates appreciation.

Humbleness between two people shows respect.


Forget the shams and apple-polishing. We all want to know where we stand with the important people in our lives. Truthfully, being a good person is not hard – if you’re not looking for anything more than a fling, be upfront about it. Don’t lead her on and mess with her head when you know her feelings are genuine and she wants more from you.

Be honest about how you feel – whether that’s attempting to force something that’s no longer there or declaring your commitment to the one you adore.

It’s only the decent thing to do …


I have my peculiarities and you have yours. No one sees the world in quite the same way, so why expect that of our lovers?

It is our differences that make for interesting and engaging relationships.   

Tolerance is acceptance and an important component to decency. It’s realizing the imperfections in your mate and knowing she is utterly perfect regardless.

This is love-in-practice. Forgiveness and charity. If you’re unwilling to go there, then carry on – no one is perfect in this world; least of all, you.  

Tolerance is remaining gracious, considerate and courteous even when the pressure is on – and it plays a vital foundation to any true connection.


Qualifying sincerity, humbleness and tolerance with wisdom is the key to making the right decisions at the right time. A decent person with wisdom knows the value in a woman’s love and will strive to honor her heart while guiding the relationship toward a meaningful reality.

Wisdom is …

  • Understanding how the world works and how to make potential change without producing unintended consequences.
  • It’s curiosity and expanding your worldview.
  • It’s acting in ways that are likely to produce the best possible outcomes for everyone involved.
  • It’s having the foresight to know what you need to do to make a potential future a reality.
  • It’s knowing when to say I love you.

In the broadest interpretation, being decent in a relationship means the capacity to be compassionate and love. It choosing to be honest and sincere with your lover, and implies acceptance of the fact that we all have weaknesses and we all make mistakes.

Decency is rejecting equivocation, arrogance and double-talk to make the distinction about what you really want from your lover and then having the virtue to act accordingly. The heart demands decency; and does the person who has given theirs to you.

Originally published by The Good Men Project: Hello, Love on Medium

Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, Uncategorized

5 Ways to Tell a Woman That You Love Her Without Saying I Love You

Love has a language all of its own.

“Once a man wins a woman’s love, the love is his forever. He can only lose the woman.” — Robert Brault.

I love you. It doesn’t always mean what we might think. Depending on who’s saying it or in what context those words are spoken, they can mean everything or nothing.

Sometimes, we fling those words out casually.

Like a universal-style kind of love.

For instance, we “love” the postman when he delivers that long-awaited package, or experience affectionate feelings when our favorite barista nails the perfect brew each time we pick up a coffee to-go.

These people are not necessarily important to us in a personal sense. More on a broader scale kind of way.

Saying “I love you” can easily become a customary habit between couples, too.

My husband once told me that he hated saying those words out of habit, as was the case during his long-term relationship prior to meeting and marrying me. He said that he ended up saying them to his partner not because he felt it at the time, but because it had become routine in that relationship.

Others may experience the opposite and find it difficult to say those 3 little words in the first place. It is an act of vulnerability and let’s face it; opening our hearts to someone we love can lead to potential pain, loss or rejection.

“Love is easy”, said nobody — ever.

But when we genuinely care about another person, it is important to be able to express our feelings. This might sound like a cliché, but it is so true when they say that life is too short to procrastinate when it comes to the important stuff like love and connectedness.

Time passes us so very quickly. While we may not be able to avoid regret in its entirety, we do have the power to select the parts of our lives where we might be able to avert regretful feelings.

A woman needs to know and feel in her heart the love of her man.

Saying “I love you” to your woman and meaning it is critical. But if you’re finding it difficult to form those words right now, showing her can be just as, if not more effective.

In fact, when the feelings run deep and intricate within, there may not be enough words to convey and justify the intensity of your feelings. Some forms of love are unbelievably powerful.

Love has a language all of its own.

In his book, The Five Love Languages: How to express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, Gary Chapman says that “Each of us has a primary love language. The key is we have to learn to speak the language of the other person.”

According to Chapman, there are five ways people express love:

· Words of affirmation

· Quality time

· Receiving gifts

· Acts of service

· Physical touch

The secret to learning another person’s love language is all in the observation. We tend to naturally express and give love in the way we prefer to receive love.

This might sound much simpler in theory than in practice. Love is a complex phenomenon driven by the wings of emotion. It can easily become a perplexing puzzle to determine your partner’s preferred love language — particularly between the sexes.

When your woman has a firm understanding of your love for her, you’re more than half-way there to conquering the perplexing love-puzzle. But if you are struggling to form the words she longs to hear, she may be unsure of where she stands with you.

This is when misunderstandings can arise in a relationship.

Here are 5 sure-fire hacks to expressing your love without saying “I love you”:

1. Listen to your woman

Affirming words don’t always need to be the big “3”.

Listening with an open heart and mind can speak volumes in expressing love for a woman.

Women need to be heard and understood by their men — not just to the words we are saying, but to the feelings we are trying to express. When a woman is heard by her man, she knows that he cares for her, and that her feelings are important to him.

Listening is a fundamental relationship promise — when we truly hear what another person says, we open the door to being seen as worthy of trust. Higher performing relationship right there.

2. Have her back

If words can cut deeper than a knife, then actions are salt on the wound.

One of the best things about being in a relationship is knowing that you always have someone in your corner — and one of the biggest turn-offs for a woman is when the man she loves flakes out on her.

With the world full of billions of people, we need to know that there is a place just for us when it all becomes too much — for a woman, this sacred place is often within the comforting embrace and support of her man.

We need loyalty and courage to fuel the foundations of love, and we need a man who is willing to stand by us in the face of adversity, peer pressure and other challenges life presents.

Women don’t want to guess if her man will be there for her. In the end, it’s our support for each other that acts as the invisible glue bonding us together.

3. Be forgiving

The ultimate act of love is forgiveness, and there is no better way to love someone than to openly forgive and forget.

Look, we all screw up and nobody gets it right all of the time. Including your woman. She might be your Goddess, but she is far from perfect. She is your special woman — you must be willing to love her imperfections and nuances as much as the rest of her.

A woman appreciates a man who sees her for who she is and has the capacity and maturity to see beyond her indiscretions without passing judgement or ridicule.

Clinging on to resentment, pointing out failures and holding grudges is like pouring hot toxic liquid into your love. It’s love with conditions and not real love at all. Nothing positive can be achieved by festering on the past.

Being able to fully forgive and move on means inner-freedom, too — it is an act of understanding, empathy and compassion that will actually set you free.

Whatever happened yesterday — bridge it and focus on the good stuff instead.

4. Admit to your mistakes

This one rolls with forgiveness; the blame game is a nasty game.

Let’s not go there anymore.

A woman values a man who is open and honest with his imperfections; who can admit to the wrongs he may have caused and attempts to make amends without pointing fingers.

This shows her that you’re willing to accept responsibility for your mistakes rather than to pass the buck onto others. It also shows her your strength and character, and promotes trust and security within the relationship.

It is your willingness to be vulnerable that will truly convey the depth of your feelings for your woman.

5. Touch her

The truth is in the touch.

A lover’s touch is a powerful touch. She needs to feel you intimately, and she craves to touch you in return.

Once we get past the gropy, touch-for-the-purpose-for-acquiring-sex stage, physical touch is really about strengthening the existing emotional connection.

So many of our intimate feelings can flow from the act of touching. It plays a critical part in enhancing and developing love because through touch, we become vulnerable and open to our lovers. We want to connect and trust someone; and we need our lover’s arms to escape from the world.

Physical touch is important in that it really confirms all of the other ways we express our love for our mates. Even the briefest touch from another person can elicit strong emotional experiences.

It will be in your touch that tells her how much you love her.

Ultimately, we are all creatures seeking meaning and love in the world through the connections and relationships we form with others. But taking the time to express your feelings to the woman you love will grant you access to a place you will never want to leave; Robert Brault was right when he said that a woman’s love is forever.

It will be up to you to value and keep it.

Originally published by Hello, Love on Medium.

relationships, Romance

5 Signs You’ve Hit the Emotional Chemistry Jackpot

Have you drawn the winning numbers?

The most vital component to kickstart a relationship would have to be emotional chemistry. Often described as a romantic spark, emotional chemistry is essentially the ambiguous and intangible phenomena shared by two people who feel a mutual special connection:

· The magical “click”.

· The unspoken and energetic bond.

· The exquisite body rush.

· The chemical process simulating love or sexual attraction.

We can’t force emotional chemistry. It is a natural and undeniable connection. We either have it with someone or we don’t.

According to relationship expert Susan Winter, “the early signs of emotional compatibility is that instantaneous “click” that we feel when we meet someone new. We immediately sense a connection that indicates we share a mutual understanding.”

It’s that deep sense of belonging. Your inner-voice that sings with the recognition of one of your own.

Chemistry can manifest in different ways, or not at all. We can land in the “No chemistry” zone, where we find it difficult to create rapport with someone. Or, we may find ourselves in the “bad chemistry” district where the harmony is nil to zero.

Meh. It’s a part of life. I am certain that I possess an uncanny ability to rub a handful of people the wrong way. You’ve got to bury that stuff and move on for your own sanity. Definitely not the makings of a magical “click”.

Let’s talk about the good stuff.

Wikipedia says:

Some of the core components of chemistry are: non-judgment, similarity, mystery, attraction, mutual trust, and effortless communication. Chemistry can be described as the combination of love, lust, infatuation, and a desire to be involved intimately with someone.”

Ah … this sounds like the remarkable and beautiful bonds of a profound soul connection.

Perhaps I’m overthinking it … sounds pretty good, though.

When we meet someone, it may be hard to differentiate between sexual and emotional chemistry as both of these brain-inducing chemicals may evoke similar psychological, physical and emotional symptoms.

Since most of us are aware of the value of time, we tend to want to avoid activities and people that may waste this precious resource where possible. This is particularly true when our 20’s and 30’s are in the rear-view mirror.

Naturally, we want to know right away if the chemistry we’re feeling is just sexual or if there’s something more to it — something meaningful.

Here are 5 tell-tale signs that you’ve hit the emotional chemistry jackpot:

1. Magnetism

Have you ever met someone and instantly felt drawn to them without any apparent reason?

I’m going to assume that you have at some point.

It may not even be a conscious thought. It’s more in the vibes — the unseen energy between you that compels you toward each other and creates a deep sense of inner-knowing.

Familiarity. Belonging. Intimacy. Home.

It feels like all of those things and more. As if a tiny ember ignites in the pit of your being that cannot either be fully articulated or explained.

Nor can it ever be unknown to you.

This person will possess your thoughts as much as you can feel yourself dominating theirs. The pull is extreme and undeniable.

2. Easy Conversation

Personally, I struggle with small talk. I can find it awkward, run out of stuff to say pretty fast and often say the wrong things that may be taken out of context. Deep and interesting conversations, however, fuel my soul.

When I meet someone and the conversation flows naturally, it feels miraculous to me. It’s also a sign of emotional chemistry.

Mental connection.

This is when speaking to someone on this level becomes delightful. The conversation is easy, maybe even refreshingly challenging. Statements are understood — Even when opinions vary, there exists a mutual respect and acceptance for the other.

Effortless communication = incredibly strong intellectual chemistry.

In short, you just get each other and speak the same language.

3. Silence is bliss.

This is a biggie for someone like me. I cherish silence and believe there is nothing more satisfying than to just “be” with your lover without feeling the need to fill in the moments with mindless banter.

“Stay with me. Let’s just breathe.”

Lyrics from Breathe by Pearl Jam

You know when you share a special connection with someone when you can easily be silent together and just breathe. In fact, every relationship expert will tell you that the biggest sign that you’ve found someone significant is the fact that you are comfortable spending time in silence with them.

No forced conversation. No need to speak. No awkward silences.

And yet, your lover’s presence remains powerful by your side, bringing a sense of mutual peace and joy within. Your love can be felt in the energy between you.

This is true love and emotional connection at its finest.

4. The truth is in the eyes

Sneaky glances. Locked gazes. The exquisite zing that catches every nerve ending and deliciously winds its way through your body when he/she looks at you.

The eyes cannot lie. They are the mirror of your soul.

You can barely keep them off each other. You don’t want to.

Even when you are together with other people, your attention and gaze will naturally seek out the other. Your other chemical half is your primary focus.

Our thoughts, emotions and feelings can be confirmed by the look in our eyes. Learn to trust what you see reflecting back at you in your significant other; the eyes will not fail to betray the authenticity of the connection — which gives the experience a beautiful and special kind of flavor.

5. Sweet annoyance please

I LOVE this one.

Someone once asked: “Why so serious?”

He may have been joking, but this is no … erm … joke.

The intention isn’t to offend or to make the other feel bad. But damn, picking on each other for no reason at all is reason to play. Like an interesting word game. You want to provoke each other — you want to discover uncharted territory and know where the other stands in particular situations or topics.

Think of it as intellectual-sex.

It’s fun, subtly flirtatious and creates intimacy in a bickering kind of way; and it’s a secret language only you two know.

Knowing someone who you share the deep bonds of emotional chemistry is a magnificent gift in this world. For all the disconnection and separateness evoked by our fast and modern lifestyles, finding a kindred soul is like finding yourself in a world made for two.

Whispering souls together in harmony.

Time is relative when in the company of such a person. And yet, time has never been more precious.

Originally published by Hello, Love (The Good Men Project) on Medium.