life, Love and Connection, mindset, People, relationships, Women

Handling the Friend Who Shamelessly Flirts with Your Man

There’s always a friend you can never quite trust.



She’s the friend who barely waits for your back to be turned before she transforms into a sex bomb, tossing her hair and swinging her hips as she saunters across the room with your man firmly in sight. You try to quell the annoyance splitting your brain as she smiles wide enough to swallow him whole. You take a breath, reminding yourself what it means to be the “better” person — the collected, Stoic kind of person. Besides, you know that he only has eyes for you. But that isn’t always enough to tame the jealousy trickling in your veins like poison ivy, is it?

Hell, no. You’re only human, honey.

“Every girl in here has got a girlfriend they don’t trust around their man.”

Chris Rock


Jealousy is one of those emotions that instantly implies childlike negativity. We’re frequently told that it’s not healthy or “evolved” to feel the pain of jealousy, or we are instructed to stop being so sensitive and be more stoic in our approach to life. Because to not be vulnerable or acknowledge why we are experiencing a certain emotion is better than actually feeling the raw emotion of life, right?

Ha.

Stoicism may teach us to accept the present moment and be less focused on desirable pleasures and the fear of pain, but none of us are totally immune to experiencing a “negative” pang-feel every now then. Or the tantalizing sensations of sexual desire for that matter.

And who in their right mind would want to deny such wonderful pleasures, anyway?

Certainly not I.

It’s called living, experiencing, connecting and learning, and frankly, I believe that feeling a little romantic jealousy has its purpose in love. Every emotion you feel is valid, regardless of what others have to say about it or if you feel as though you’re overeating. Further, your feelings actually reveal something about you, as well as that they may indicate the depth of your feelings for someone else.

You may be feeling jealous because you are head-over-heels in love.


Jenni Skyler, who is the director of The Intimacy Institute in Colorado tells us:

“Feeling jealous at some point is totally normal because it’s a Band-Aid emotion, so to speak. Everyone experiences two core emotional fears — a fear of not being good enough or a fear of being left out. We all have at least a little degree of one of those two issues — we’re basically wired that way.”

So, we learn that jealousy is a normal emotion to experience in our relationships from time to time. Though, when faced with a trusted friend who vies for your man’s attention each time that she’s in his presence, the blow can do a double-time on your psyche.

Here’s what she looks like and how to handle it.


A Woman’s Toolbox = Feminine Sexuality

Whether she admits it not, just about every woman eventually realizes her one powerful advantage over a man is her sexuality. We learn how to work our assets to attract male attention, and we just as fast acquire the skillsets to play on a man’s sexual desire, if we want to go there. Truthfully speaking, women have been groomed to behave this way to win male attention over her sisters from the get-go.

It’s just how it is.

And this innate sense of knowledge is true for a woman irrespective of whether or not she permits herself to use her sexually-alluring feminine virtues in a persuasive manner.

According to an article published by Science of the People, “men are more attracted to a woman who engages in flirtation behavior to show she is available versus the best-looking woman in the room.”

All good. Flirting is a natural part of the mating game. It’s just that some women are more comfortable exploiting and using their sexuality to manipulate men than others, and, unfortunately, some women possess no boundaries when it comes to who’s man they are flirting with — friendships be damned.

The Flirty Friend

You can be flirty. I can be flirty. Depending on who’s doing the flirting, it can be quite fun and definitely arousing. But I most definitely have never crossed the “flirty” line with a girlfriend’s man. That has never been my style.

Personally, when it comes to flirting, I much prefer to playfully tease a man on an intellectual level rather than bat my lashes and push my boobs in his face like a brainless ditz. There is just something about a man who can use his intellect to stimulate. It’s like the ultimate foreplay to foreplay, if you know what I mean.

Hmm… back to the flirty friend.

I used to know the woman in the opening paragraph around the same time that I met my now husband. She was a shocker around men. It didn’t matter who he “belonged” to — if he was male and within her proximity, he was an open game.

Shocking, huh?

My friend had no qualms about shamelessly flirting with my husband each time she was around us. I’m talking full-ball performance here — from showing up wearing revealing clothes to the coy smiles to the accidently-on-purpose pawing all over him to the relentless playful banter.

It was draining just watching her.

Naturally, he reacted accordingly. She was a gorgeous woman and, well, it’s hard to find a hotblooded heterosexual man in this world who doesn’t respond in some fashion to the attention of an attractive lady.

It’s an ego thing.

Makes him feel connected to his “sexual-conqueror self” and all that masculinity stuff, reminding him that he’s still got what it takes to capture the interest and hook attractive women.

Enough said about that.

I’m not sure if my friend behaved like a hussy due to some kind of buried childhood scarring. You know, like “daddy” issues or fear of abandonment and whatnot. Honestly, I didn’t care. I’m not the type to pin the blame of adult behavior on childhood trauma, and especially not when it comes to matters of the heart.

We all have a past that we must work on if we’re going to get the most out of this life. And most adults know the difference between good and bad behavior within our friendships, too.

Chris Rock is a funny guy. I remembering hearing the below quote and laughing because it was so true when he said:

When a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, when they walk away, his boy goes, ‘Aww man, she’s nice, I gotta get me a girl like that.’ When a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, after they walk away, her girlfriend goes, ‘I gotta have THAT guy.’”

It just goes to show that a woman can be downright determined when she fancies a man. Even more so when she falls in love with him. Let’s not explore that scenario right now.

Handling the Flirty Friend

At first, I tried very hard to be the “better” person in the above-mentioned situation. I didn’t want to let my friend’s extreme flirtatiousness affect me. Even though she possessed some lovely qualities — she was fun, upbeat, kind and interesting — I knew deep down that what she was doing was pretty rotten.

It doesn’t matter much you focus on the positive qualities of some people, or how far you strive to be that “better” person, at the end of the day it comes down to what you are willing to accept as a part of your life experience.

The entire situation eventually snowballed when she showed up at my doorstep eager to impart saucy titbits craftily concocted by her fascination. That was when her devious mindset had worn down its final thread — The cunning tongue, rear door insinuations and sly attempted take-downs …. the way she seemed to have no regard for my feelings.

No thanks.

So, I handled it. I cut her from my life and never looked back.

Game over.

Sometimes, the anecdote to poison ivy is having the guts to suck out the venom and walk away. Because life is too fleeting and precious to waste on the weeds.


Also published by Living Out Loud on Medium

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life, Women, writing

We Cannot Force Change

But we CAN ALLOW it.


by Kaia Maeve Tingley


What will we choose?

Pain? Or love?

The struggle is real, sisters. The pain hurts and the slights are never-ending. The patriarchy is death by a million papercuts.

I get it.

But…

We cannot force this change that we all want so badly to happen.

We cannot make ourselves successful.

Goodness knows we’ve been trying long enough.

How many years have I been striving and pushing and digging to know what to write? I had to learn to yield before I could feel my flow. Can you feel it flowing now?

I can. But I didn’t start this way. And I know the flow I have now will falter if I don’t get the support and nourishment I need to sustain it. I’m far from there. Just sharing the clues I find along the way.


Patience is something you earn.

Having kids helps, but there are many other ways too.

The word Islam actually means surrender, did you know that? The epitome of male domination and the subjugation of women, to our western minds, is based upon the principles of surrender. The Arabic word for mercy shares its root with the word for the womb. Who would have thunk?

At the root of all the dysfunction, perhaps once there was love. But it got twisted. We humans are pretty good at doing that. Just ask the religions.

Yes, there is clearly an imbalance between the masculine and the feminine in our culture. It’s impossible not to see it. We have been RIGHT to call it out. The light is shining upon the inequity, now… what shall we do with it? How can we give it good death and allow the scales to rebalance?


Can we find mercy?

We cannot make our menfolk change.

Nor can we debate with the women among us who stand shoulder to shoulder with the domination hierarchy. Be it Stockholm Syndrome, or the simple fact that these women benefit personally from their association with the old ways, we cannot force them to change.

We can write forever on this platform about who the president should be and why. We can call out toxic masculinity seven ways from Sunday. We can debate the ethics of the economy. We can seek solace for our pain. We can use words forever.

But all of this is in our minds. It pulls on our hearts. It never gets close to the womb.

It never gets down into the soil.

We cannot force transformation. We must work WITH the life force. We cannot master her.


Change from within.

What does that even mean?

We cannot even force OURSELVES to change, honestly. Goddess knows I have tried. We can only allow change to pass through us.

We hear the phrases, “change from within” and “be the change,” and our brain blocks the true meaning from entering our hearts.

We think, “Oh right, Gandhi,” And then we dive right back into our story.

We let our mind project narrative thoughts onto our consciousness, and then we think that is real. We never leave our heads. We drive our cars on autopilot, the dreams in our minds more real than any movie. We don’t even see the road. Not really.

No, we must allow this knowing to enter us from our roots. From deep within the earth.

This vulnerable and honest piece by Shannon Ashley gets to the heart of things. She’s got the secret sauce in her writing too. That’s why she is so successful here.

In this piece, she gives a true name to the futility of trying to force herself into something she is not. She talks about beginning to find the freedom of learning to trust herself in a way that she has not been able to trust information alone. No matter how well researched. It’s a brilliant piece.


We cannot alchemize the life or death of things while we are in human bodies.

But we can access the exhale.

We can feel the power of letting go. We can learn to stop dreading death.

We cannot force love.

We cannot force pleasure.

We cannot convince people our truth is better than theirs. Not with just our words. Words have been emptied of meaning in the current milieu. We can no longer trust words or videos, or photographs to show what was really there. We live in the era of the deep fake and photoshop and partisan media.

But it doesn’t really matter. Because that’s NOT actually where the change begins. One domino will topple the whole structure if only we push on the right one.

We can only allow for the turning of the wheel. We can only make space for transformation to proceed in its one time. We can accept our place in the universe and learn to enjoy it.

We are the portal. They are the pipe that holds us.

If we try to force it, we will block it. The life force, that is. Relax. Change. Create. Andrew Johnson

Forcing it is like faking an orgasm. It’s probably more disappointing to us than our partners, though we never admit it. It still feels good in the moment, but ultimately we know we want more.

Grant us the patience to wait until we are truly ready. And when we allow ourselves the time, then hold on to your headboards, ladies. It feels completely different.

Forcing it means ONLY using our big brains and our strong hands to make things happen.

Yes, and…

We can apply these tools to change ONLY AFTER the passageway within us is cleared to make way for the work. The masculine sides of our natures are powerful, let’s not forget. And so is the feminine side of our men. Let us remember.


Yes, the anger is real, sisters.

Yes, he did just do that again, and he didn’t even notice.

Yeah, that sucks.

Yes, we did just watch those old men bluster and lie and puff up their poor bedraggled feathers in an attempt to hold power.

I KNOW how you feel when this stuff happens. Your anger is justified and you are not wrong to feel it.

But flies are attracted to death and decay. I didn’t watch the debate, but I heard about the fly. Nature won’t lie. There’s a reason a fly landed on his head. (If you’re lost on this one, read about the vice-presidential debate.)

We hold on to our anger at our own risk. Like the proverbial coal, ready to throw at our transgressors, it is our hand that will be burned.

Stay closed and tight and righteous, and that which is crying out to be born will never crown and pass through.


This is where we choose.

Shall we become Darth Vader? Or Darth Mater if you will?

Shall we believe the elegant lies of the Jedi that tell us we must abandon our emotions and our connections to one another? Shall we forsake our mother? Shall we surrender our children? I don’t think so.

But… we can let go of our rage. We can choose to act differently.

Or can we choose to balance the emotions of the dark side with those of the light? This is the ring of fire, my loves. The choice point for all of us.

Will we allow? Will we soften? Will we find our grace once again?


Forgiveness is not approval.

And it isn’t easy to give.

But forgiveness is more for the giver than it is for the receiver, in my humble opinion. And at this point, if we do not choose to learn how to forgive, then good luck to us all getting out of the Anthropocene alive.

The choice is within you. It’s within me. It’s within us all.

How shall we choose, ladies? Will we learn to forgive and allow, or will we continue to insist on trying to make them earn love?

To make them pay us back for the pain of the patriarchy?

They are its victims too.

Like a wayward child, arms crossed, face set in an angry frown, they have shut down. Our pleas for mercy are interpreted as slights to the ego.

That boy was abused. This one was abandoned. That one was taught from birth to center themselves right in the middle of the fucking #manbox. They have pain too. They just hide it behind their anger. They hide it behind their numbness, their videogames, and their blustering locker room talk. It’s generational.

Our emotional superpowers have curdled and turned our souls toxic. Our hormones are all out of whack. We try our best, but we are so easily triggered, my sisters. It’s so hard to sleep. These wounds have been passed down by our mothers to us for ages.


It isn’t fair.

Life isn’t fair.

Life is wild and free, and we may choose to enjoy it on our own terms, if… if we let go. Let go of what blocks us from the light within.

We have asked. We have threatened. We have stomped and shouted and abandoned things. We are righteously upset at all the trauma we’ve had to undergo.

But…

We are now the sticking point because of this. We are choosing to be the closed sphincter that doesn’t allow the shit to go back to the earth to be composted. We are choosing to be the locked pelvic bones that do not allow for the child’s head to pass through.

And Gaia is about to either cut us open to get this baby from our wombs or wrap the cord around the baby’s neck. I see your pain, ladies. I’ve been there too. I am not afraid to make you remember.

And still, I ask you…

Can we just relax? Is it possible?

Watch the joy of children playing if you want to remember what it looks like to be in the flow.


You.

Yes, you, the one reading this piece.

The one who stuck with my spiraling words all the way to the end. The woman who feels these words in her wolf bones and her long, wild hair. The man who is willing to lay down his armor and cry long-suppressed tears.

What can we do today to release? To forgive? To choose to ground ourselves in the truth of the soil? To relax into the warmth of the sun. To enjoy the sound of the rain.

To find mercy for the uprooted trees, the flooded streets, and the shattered high rises of places like Lake Charles, Louisiana. It wasn’t mentioned much in the news, but the pain is still lingering there. I am certain. To find mercy for the crisped cinders of the west coast, the outback, and the Amazon basin. To begin the process of healing.

Can we choose not to yell when your kids piss us off in their infinite phase of not listening-ness? To choose not to get angry when our partners bristle at us when we tell him how we feel? Or show him what we wrote?

Can we relax into deep breaths?


Let your belly hang softly.

Unclench your shoulders, unclench your jaw?

Soften your passageways and undulate your spine.

Can you feel the energy that wants to flow through you?

This is the life force, remember? Does it feel familiar to you? It’s been an undercurrent our whole lives, but most times we are too up in our heads to feel it.

This is our sexual and creative birthright, oh humans in women’s bodies. I call upon you to remember the feeling. To remember the mystery, and to honor it with reverence. We do not need to understand.

It does not devalue our brains to open our hearts. It will not kill us to soften our wombs, though it may feel like it at the moment. Can we be brave and be willing? Be vulnerable and find trust?

We have the capacity for boundless flow. The patriarchy cannot stop this.

That choice is up to us.


This piece was inspired by Sean Kernan’s lovely paean about Diana Nyad. It was also inspired by the meditations of Andrew Johnson. Finally, this piece springs from the determination of the feminine to test what is possible and do what our minds tell us we cannot.


Kaia Tingley is a writer, artist, podcaster, digital strategy nerd, and sometimes hot-tempered supernova with a wild, free soul. You can find her on Instagram here or on LinkedIn here.

This post was originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium.

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life, Love and Connection, relationships, Romance

16 Facts About Love That Might Surprise You

Other than what John Lennon said….


There’s no doubt about it, love is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

But have you ever stopped to consider why you feel the way you do?

Alright, so your one-and-only is the most incredibly sexy and creatively talented person you have ever encountered. He’s got you feeling like Zepplin’s Whole Lotta Love most daysand the others?

He drives you up batty-alley.

What is it about love, anyhow? Why do we physically fall in love, and what are some of the determining factors?

An endlessly fascinating subject.

The following are some interesting love-facts that might (or might not) surprise you.

And they are:

1. Two Hearts Really Do Beat as One

Yup —when you are in love, it’s not a myth. Apparently, when you gaze into your lover’s eyes for 3 minutes or longer, your heartbeats’ will naturally synchronize.

And you know what that means, don’t you?

Bingo — we really do connect through the heart and experience deep love via the windows of our souls.

2. Love Triggers an Empathetic Response

When two people are deeply bonded together, their empathy and compassion for each other turns into fire-on-water. As in an intense, selfless and at times, logic-defying phenomena — when your lover hurts, you hurt. When they bleed…

Well, you get the drift.

Don’t freak out if you experience this type of thing with your beloved, just means that your chemical love-bonds are doing pretty great in the connection department.

3. Eye Contact During Sex and Foreplay Arouses a Woman More Than When Your Eyes Are Closed

Please, please never underestimate the power of a lover’s romantic glare.

You do realize how hot and, erm… excited great eye contact can make a woman feel, right?

Extremely. Arousing.

4. The Longer You Hide Your Feelings for Someone the Harder You Fall for Them

Hmm…noted.

I love you.

5. Unexpected Love Lasts Far Longer

Then out of nowhere, I met you.

The magic of unexpected love is a game-changer, usually showing up in our lives to generate a storm, shake things up and initiate deep inner-transformation.

Like a gift, yeah.

Yeah.

It’s almost always the purest and passionate of love that we will experience during our lifetimes.

Which brings me to….

6. The Deeper Your Feelings are For Someone, the Harder They Are to Express

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can’t express.

Though, sometimes there are just not enough words to justify the depth of our feelings, and our deepest admiration stands strong in pure silence.

Psychology Fact: The deeper your feelings the harder they are to express.

7. Bedrooms Will Influence Your Love Life

You know how when you enter a room and the energy of that space makes you feel a certain way? It’s the combo of scents, sounds and visuals sparking your senses and prompting your brain to interpret and react to your surroundings.

Well, the same applies for how your bedroom impacts the intimacy levels in a relationship.

Sexologist and relationship expert, Jessica O’Reilly has this to say about it:

“The way you choose to decorate your bedroom isn’t just aesthetic — the objects, scents, textures and sounds in your bedroom all subtly influence intimacy, especially if you share the space with a significant other.”

Yes, you may want to think twice about that TV sitting on your dresser or where you position your phone charger at night — they could very well be inhibiting your sex life.

8. Testosterone Plays a Powerful Role in a Man’s Love Life

Wearing cologne that simulates the odour of testosterone can enhance a woman’s love and attraction for you.

Here’s a list of male fragrances that I just Googled to get you going:

Top 10 Best Colognes to Attract Females 2020

9. Taking Someone on a First Date That Gets Their Heart Pumping Increases Their Chances of Falling in Love

Think roller coasters, fast cars or even a thriller movie.

Why?

Because it spikes their adrenaline and tricks them into believing they enjoyed spending time with you more than with any other person.

Danger is intoxicatingly giddy-exciting.

Though, keep in mind that….

10. You’ve Got About 27 Seconds to Make a Good Impression on Someone…

Andthe average person knows within 15 minutes into a date whether or not they want to see you again.

Make it count. Take a leap. Live dangerously.

11. Not arguing at all in a relationship suggests a lack of interest

People who care about one another tend to argue now and again.

Keep it fair and don’t forget to laugh at yourself and with each other.

12. Heartbreak is Real

Separation from a loved one can cause real physical pain. It is called Broken Heart Syndrome and is caused by emotional distress.

13. Breakups Are Tougher on Men

Yes, men are more likely to be emotionally affected by breakups than women, and…

14. Women Initiate More Divorces Than Men

On average, a woman suffers less post-breakup.

15. And Then She Will Change Her Hair

It’s a self-concept/letting go/I’m-in-control of my life thing.

New hair is like a new beginning; it just makes us feel better.

Speaking of hair…

16. People with More Toe Hair Are Better Lovers

Do you believe me?

Check your toes…


Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium.

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Introverts, life, Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, Women

The Perks of Falling in Love with an Introverted Woman

The introverted woman is a species all her own.


Two attractive women walk into a crowded bar. Their dark glossy hair contrasts against their pale lips, and the color of their eyes almost identical. You would be forgiven for mistaking them for sisters. The assumption could have been true bar for the fact that they were polar opposites in every which way but their physical similarities. None so much as their starkly different introvert/extrovert personalities.  

Most extroverted women delight in constant chitchat and colorful banter, while the introverted woman finds the prospect draining as she silently wonders if she’s missing a crucial femininity chip.

Have you noticed that some friendships come along with an alluring side of chemistry that helps to show us a different part of ourselves?

Like, that ultra femininity chip?  

Which may very well smell like a valley of roses and ylang-ylang layered over a woody base of sandalwood, vanilla, amber and patchouli.

That is, Chanel No. 5.

What? The classics are timeless.

Moving on to the usual bar scene – just about every guy in the room notices the women enter the room. Shrink-mode, right?

Well, yeah, for the introverted woman.  

Who might wonder if it is the fragrant vanilla undertones attracting their attention? Or maybe it’s….

Men can smell a sexy woman.

Were you aware?  

They can actually distinguish horniness on a woman. It’s like an additional channel in the communication of sexual interest which provides further authentication of human sexual interest. Olivia Miller wrote about it in her article, Men can smell when a woman is sexually aroused.

A little trivial info to keep an introvert’s mind occupied for a time-block.

What a turn-on.

Attention is what usually makes an extroverted woman shine. She has no trouble working the room like a prowling lioness seeking to bask in the limelight.

It is an admirable quality to an introverted woman who observes her sisters as much as anyone else, she will commonly take great amusement in the ‘show’, too.

This one is a sell-out.  

In general, women are expected to be chatty and outgoing. Western cultures in particular enshrines women who have an easy breezy, smile-at-strangers and giggle-at-everything sort of demeanor.

Can you blame an introverted woman for at times feeling somewhat ostracized?

An introverted woman is typically more inhibited, less talkative and less skilled at faking enthusiasm than extroverted women. Her quiet virtues can easily be overshadowed by the dazzling, in-your-face charm of outgoing women.

But believe me when I tell you that beneath the surface of almost every introverted woman is an inner-wild child waiting for release. She is a woman with a seriously passionate streak that she usually keeps hidden from strangers and the outside world.

Some benighted people may label her as ‘square’, or even accuse her of being snobby due to her quietness.

If they only knew the truth of what lies beneath….

An introverted woman may not be as bubbly as Gloria from Modern Family, but she does possess a sexy flair for pushing the boundaries. It stems from hours of reticent observation which she accumulates and stores in her mind about people and the world, I’m sure.

Knowledge is power and this woman is a natural learner and deep thinker. She’s reflective and self-aware, and listens before speaking.

Introverted women take note about the way people interact and behave.

She has a gift for seeing beyond the ‘fake’ types who go through life worshipping their delicate ‘image’, and she doesn’t suffer fools easily.

She’s someone real; and once she becomes truly attuned with who she is and her place in the world, she realizes that caring about the opinions of others is a waste of time.

This is why introverted women are more likely to be a risk-taker at heart – in both their personal and professional lives – because when a person is able to perceive the difference between what really matters in this life as opposed to the meaningless and ego-driven attitude’s so commonly seen in today’s society, they realize the value in authenticity.

A rare characteristic to say the least. Most people are good at talking about it, though…   

An introverted woman who has come into her own will have a natural urge to go deep and to the brink with the man she loves, and she will understand that one of life’s greatest gifts is the soulful connection she can create with her man through the embodiment of her sexuality – something a mature, self-aware person can really only appreciate.

She seeks to unlock and hold her man’s beautifully dark, primitive masculine energy within herself and together. It’s pure ecstatic love.   

Can you imagine going to that place with her?

To that sacramental realm existing for high-level lovers? It’s nowhere really tangible. A place we can only know through experience and never fully articulate.

Unbelievable love and powerful connection.   

It’s one of the greatest perks of falling in sync with an introverted woman which gives rise from her abilities to ponder the meaning of you and me, and think beyond our physicality.

Did you know that?

Hmm… what else does perks be made for loving an introverted woman?

When dragged into a social setting, introverted women hate the moment when they first walk into a place like a bar. Their extroverted girlfriends can never understand.

“Wait – but I didn’t see you looking so introverted on the dance floor last time…”

Yeah, well. A few drinks can definitely help anyone shed their inhibitions. It just so happens that introverted women have an incredible affinity with music. She can probably move her hips in ways that will get a man wondering about what’s really going on underneath all of that… erm…. reserved nature.

Let’s just say that she’s a walking contradiction. 

Introverted women aren’t nearly as innocent as they seem.

Not by a long shot.

She doesn’t invite attention but she’s the one with the eyes you’ll never forget; the energy that will long stay with you.  

You’ll have to work to get her number, too. Though it might be worth double-checking she gave you the right one – speaking for the smart guy who did just that after she had left the bar.

He ran a mile to catch up with her just as she was boarding her train back home. Breathless and waving his phone.

“You gave me the wrong number!”

Yeah, well. She didn’t have the heart to say no after he had put so much effort in leading up to the moment where he felt comfortable enough to ask.

That’s the thing about an introverted woman. She has a heart so big, that she might even hesitate at squishing an ant. Roaches and flies, however, are fair game. Those critters serve no place in her world.

Anyway….

Miss Introvert might not be easy to crack, but the way she loves is what makes her truly unique. She will reach into your heart and totally ground you with her definitive manner; she’ll elevate you to unforgettable places while glimpsing your soul with the eyes of the liberated…. the mind wide-open sees beauty in diversity.  

She will love for the sake of love – purely; wholly…. and she will ask for nothing in return but your respect and time.

Precious time.

Tell her what you mean and mean what you say, and I promise you, the perks of falling in love with an introverted woman will be the ultimate gift worth enduring.

The mind wide-open seeks to make meaningful love.  


The introverted woman is an angel and minx; she’s the demure and the gutsy; the lippy woman who contemplates great things and tells you her truths, only to retreat back into obscurity, silently wishing you could truly see her.

For those tenacious souls who take the time to search for and connect with her essence, she will open her heart to love as fiercely as very your own Magdalena – in this life or the next.

Such are the perks of an introverted woman’s love.

Two attractive women walk into a crowded bar – Who do you choose to dance with?     


Originally published by Living Out Loud on Medium

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Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Soul, Women

The Art of Making Love to a Woman


“Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.”

– Aristotle


One of the greatest aspects of being in love has to be the connectedness and intimacy involved in the act of making love. Think about it — Sex is energy. So, when we qualify sex with love, we tap into pure life-force energy that directly connects us to something greater than ourselves. It is true.If can we approach the act with the intention to experience love authentically, it’s like treating our sex-lives to a big injection of heavenly rocket-fuel. Making love is unification of the highest order. But the real art of making love is lost on so many of us.

Meaningful. Expressive. Persuasive. Awakening.

No other act is as powerfully symbolic as lovemaking as the unfolding of a life of two people being presently conscious to become one — not only in co-mingling of body, but in spirit and soul. As Elliot D. Cohen puts it: “Making love is inspirational because it signifies and embodies two mutually living as one.”

Making love is more than just great sex. It would be a mistake think otherwise. I spent more years than I care to remember believing that I knew what making love was all about when in reality, the opposite was true.

That’s not to say that sexual desire and intimacy wasn’t present in my relationships — it most definitely was. But the sexual encounters never felt overly meaningful. I couldn’t actually gage the depth of my partner’s feelings for me between the sheets because although affectionate and loving, the sex was based purely on satisfying our sexual desires. Making love is so much more.

What’s the difference, then?

Well, a lot actually.

Love-making is distinct from mere sex as it breaches the flume between you and me in an act of mutual consciousness of absolute unity without segregation.

Sounds like an intense riddle. Just a bit.

Let’s unravel.

Desire for sexual pleasure is one of the most powerful feelings known to us. It’s innate, beautiful, raw and sometimes primitive, and the very act responsible for why you are able to read these words in this moment.

No, really.

Happy birthday.

However, the distinction between “making love” and “having sex” is in the nature of intended fulfillment.

In other words, sexual love is more about quenching one’s sexual appetite, whereas making love is based on meaningful, conscious and emotional connection.

“Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”

– Woody Allen

The following according to philosopher Alan Goldman:

“Sexual desire is a mechanical activity. Rubbing, touching, caressing, kissing, sucking, biting, and, of course, intercourse, as fulfillments of a desire for physical contact, are all sexual activities in this sense.”

Okay, having “normal” sex is not such a bad thing. Hot nights of lusty wild sex with your partner can be fun and satisfying. But a woman loves it when a man knows how make love to her. And that is because there’s a lot more care, connection and emotion involved than just taking off your clothes and going at it.

Mind you, it doesn’t mean that every time you have sex with someone you love it has to be categorized as making love. In fact, as beautiful as it is, this type of loving should be saved for when the time feels right because it is such an intimate act.

So, how about that opening quote from Aristotle?

It is said that the Greek philosopher wrote the quote based on mythology written about his mentor, Plato.

From Philosiblog:

“The story goes that humans were originally made with four arms, four legs and were half male and half female. After conspiring to climb Mount Olympus, Zeus ordered them cut in half. Since that day, every human spends their life searching for their other half.”

I know, that little tale sounds rather far-fetched and perhaps a tad on the Sci-Fi side, but mythology often has a way of carrying an inexplicable resonance through the ages. In this case, Aristotle was hitting on the crucial meeting of souls — the deep sense of “wholeness” or “home” when encountering someone with whom feels like a part of you.

Through love-making, a couple’s past, present, and future — hopes, dreams, and expectations coalesce as one, and not two persons. A total fusion of body and soul where love transcends space, time and physicality as they surrender to separateness to inclusion of the other.

Lovers in every sense of the word.

Forget banging, getting laid, getting it on, and all of those different ways to have sex. More than any of that, a woman often wants to make love to the man she loves. And really, can you blame her?

Having said all of that, a man must be able to not only successfully lead the act, but be a conscious participant in the unfolding of love with his woman.

The Art of Making Love to a Woman is:

Taking Your Sweet Time

With everything.

Making love doesn’t just begin in the bedroom. It is a hot and interesting mind-play with promises of the love to come. Think of it like a sensual slow dance consisting of flirty comments, lingering looks and a spicy text message or two.

I love it when my partner unexpectedly pings me with a provocative message through the day, or approaches me from behind in the morning and huskily murmurs in my ear when I’m busy getting the kids ready for school. It let’s me know what’s on his mind and makes me feel sexy — which is exactly how you want a woman to feel when planning a lovemaking session.

This is the intentional art of “layering” foreplay which speaks to a woman’s emotional side and definitely primes her mood for sex.

Ensuring that you are Kissable

This is important. Nothing will pull a woman out of a love-trance quicker than stinky balls and a smelly butt. Sorry, have to go here for a moment…

Please tend to your personal hygiene before you touch your woman. This means taking a shower and lathering up with soap or body wash, paying extra attention to your below-bits.

Making love involves a lot of lip and tongue action, and I am quite certain you would like your woman to put her mouth down south, yes?

No brainer.

Sidenote: Clipped and smooth nails are ideal for obvious reasons, and a trimmed manscape is muchly appreciated, too.

Getting the Mood Right

I prefer muted lighting when getting sexy. Thankfully, my fella knows how to set the mood to dim and sultry:

Candles create a sexy atmosphere and are easy on the senses which means all senses can focus on the important stuff like … hmm 

Erotic love and deep romance.

Music should be on the sensual side and not too loud. The right tunes will help keep you attuned with the scene — this means avoiding genres like Hard Rock, Grunge or Metal.

Save Metallica for the morning run and go for something groovy-soul-sexy such as Paula Cole’s, Feelin’ Love or Berlin’s classic, Take my Breath Away.

“Somewhere there’s a love in flames”.

(Check out this Soul Lovers playlist to give you some ideas.)

Savoring your Senses

Intense eye contact. Slow and deliberate touches. The taste of her body; her mouth and thighs. The sweet scent of her hair and musky wildflowers as she swells and opens up for you.

Making love is being present with your partner.

Take each moment seriously — it’s about connecting and finding yourself within the other; if you want to really find out how to make love to a woman, you’ll need to be serious about it and leave the jokes aside. At least, for the moment.

Believe me, she will be able to feel the difference in your emotional state during sex. Make sure she feels what you intend for her know in her heart and soul — what she means to you — which will translate into some unforgettable lovemaking.

A Slow and Beautiful Tease

“You get me closer to god”

– Lyrics from Closer by NIN

Granted, it’s not the ideal song for a love-making session, but there is something about those lyrics that ring true here — this is the place where you want to be and where you are headed; that place you can only experience with your senses, body and soul. The sweet realm you will never be able to quite remember but won’t ever forget.

It’s in your mindset and intention to surrender to pure love and soul dance.

You will get closer to “God” by slowly teasing her. Peu à peu. This is not a race to the end, my love. You’re not a stallion galloping to your stable. You are a magnificent lover who is in touch with himself and knows how to be with a woman’s body and soul.

Stroke her with the backs of fingers as you slowly undress her and follow with your lips. Use warm scented oil that is mouth friendly to draw out every moment.

Build the sexual tension until she begs for you take her; then, tease and tantalize your love-child some more.

Finding Intimate Positions

This isn’t looking down her back and gripping her hair during intercourse.

e.g. Doggy style is not a good position to go for when you are making love to a woman. It’s primal and detached, and exactly the opposite of what you want when lovemaking.

A huge part of how to make love to a woman involves face-to-face positions for the closet possible contact. You want intimate positions that allow for deep penetration, grinding instead of thrusting and great pacing.

Positions where you can start out easy and prolong the great tease with your … erm … very clean junk? Driving her wild so that she grinds against you like an insatiable pussycat pleading to feel more of you.

Divine. Love. Orgasmic. Heaven.

Becoming Attuned to Your Mate

At this point, you are so far into the tango-flame-game that you’re working it together in perfect synergy. You become distinctly aware of your partner’s responses — breathing, sighing, moans and body movements.

As Cohen so eloquently reminds us:

“Transcend the self-interested desire for sexual satisfaction so that your sexual partner’s self becomes yours, and conversely, making the goal of other-regarding sex moot.”

Enjoy your unique and beautiful love-language and keep talking to a minimum. You don’t want to break the sexy, intimate flow you’ve been working so hard to create.

And don’t forget to…

Hold her Afterwards

And speak of your love.

She is divine femininity; your Yin to your Yang; your precious woman who opens herself for you. If loved the right way, she’ll be your fire crucible — your eternal lover, safe place and world.

Home.

Treasure the moments; because each one experienced in that sacred place existing for sexy-soul lovers is an unrepeatable, magical gift.

The Art of Making Love to a Woman.


Soul Lovers Playlist

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Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Uncategorized

What Makes a Woman Great in Bed?


“Sex is the most fun thing you can have without smiling” — Madonna Ciccone


Madonna is one of the most influential female recording artists of all time. Her legacy transcends music and has been studied by sociologists and historians the world over. She modernized the music video, pioneered the contemporary concert extravaganza, and her 1991 documentary In Bed with Madonna paved the way for reality TV. She brought female sexuality front and center and liberated women worldwide.

Madonna demonstrated to women and girls everywhere what it truly meant to freely express yourself and go after your dreams. She is a cultural icon; a damn sexy woman, and she represents everything that I admire and respect in a woman.

Madonna is many things but I daresay that she has never been accused of being a dead lay. You know what I’m talking about — the chicks who are referred to as a “starfish” or a “dead fish” in the bedroom when they lay there like an inactive frog and let their partners do all the work.

Putting it like that, it’s easy to see the frustration element here.

Erm.

The urban dictionary cites a “dead lay” as:

“Someone (male or female) that is so bad at sex you may as well be [sleeping with] a corpse, although a corpse may sometimes be livelier.”

Ouch.

Almost sounds worse than necrophilia. You’ve just got to love the Urban Dictionary for its colorful definitions.

Quite a while ago and Like a Virgin, I was rather concerned about the whole “dead lay” thing. I hadn’t yet slept with a guy but I had heard enough tittle-tattles floating around about girls who were labeled a dead lay after having sex with a boy.

I know, I know. It sounds positively harsh and judgmental. I mean, it wasn’t as if any of the girls and guys involved were experienced and worldly in the realm of sex at the time. Still, as I began to dip my proverbial toes into sexuality, the idea of sucking (not literally) in the bedroom appalled me. I didn’t want to be a dead lay.

I wanted to be like Madonna. Without the virgin part.

Madonna was the definition of raw, untamed female sensuality. She was the woman who owned femininity with attitude and monopolized a perverse and smutty brand of elegant, lusty, in-ya-face sexuality.

Starfish?

Not. So Much.

Anyway, witnessing Madonna’s flaunting antics influenced me to explore my own desires in a deep and unhindered way. The repercussions? I eventually blossomed into sexual womanhood, not unlike a ripe, unfurling wildflower.

Ha.

I had discovered the pleasures of sex.

“Sex is a core function of humanity. It plays a huge role in the physical health and vitality of the body. Sex is also an immense, universal force that can merge your spirit (your divine essence) with your body.” – Julia Piatt

Some women think sex isn’t such a big deal. They don’t make it a priority and can take it or leave it. Obviously, such a woman has never been thoroughly … um … serviced by a man (or another woman).

Admittedly, when the prospect of bad sex is staring me in the face, there isn’t a book I would deny as a substitute (so long as the title doesn’t begin with the number above 49).

It could be that a woman may have difficulties expressing her sexuality and emotional intimacy — both of which play a vital role in achieving deep connection with her spirituality and her lover, as well as propelling her toward greater spheres of self-actualization.

In my experience, sexuality, spirituality, and creative energy are really all parts of one whole. If you are expressed creatively, chances are that you will also be expressed sexually — and creativity is all about spiritual intimacy.

You cannot mistake a woman who is deeply in touch with her sexuality.

Personally, I think it radiates from within and colors her with sheer beauty, signaling via the little things like the swing of her hips when she walks, her mannerisms, and the degree of passion she holds for new experiences and adventure. She is probably creative, soulful, laughs easily, enjoys spontaneity, and relishes each of her sensory gifts.

In short, she possesses a distinct sensuality.

Sex expert Tracey Cox provides an accurate description when she says: “A woman who is sexually confident is adventurous and knows what she wants”.

i.e. Madonna.

So, what makes a woman a particularly great lover?

Long gone are the days where the people in my life kiss and tell (thank goodness). Albeit, when asked what makes a woman amazing in bed, they were more than happy to give me their take on the subject.

For fancy fun, I’m getting creative and using four of Madonna’s hottest tracks from her Erotica album to help describe what makes a woman great in bed — and she is:

Track #1 Erotica

Simply put, she loves sex.

A woman who is willing to try new and different things to rock her mate’s world as well as enhance her own experience is a woman who has a flare for [F…fill in the blank here].

We tend to be good at the things we love to do. People have their own ideas about what constitutes good sex, but really, the best indication of knowing if a woman is a great lover is as simple as how much she loves sex.

“Sex is involution (spirit descending) and evolution (physical ascending) meeting at the heart in an explosion of pure love.” – Julia Piatt

A woman is a great lover when she recognizes that sex is an expression of passion, deep connection and love; and she will offer herself to the moment with abandonment.

Track #2 Fever

A sexually successful woman is driven by fire.

She moans in the bedroom — but not too much.

Sex with a woman who is deadly quiet is …well … not unlike the dead lay really. It can be unnerving to her lover because a man relies on his woman’s moans and groans as feedback that she’s having a good time.

Besides, if you ask me, it can be near impossible to not flagrantly express the overflow of orgasmic tension and release in the bedroom.

Though, I believe the “screamer” is somewhat unsettling. You know, those gals who make an ear-aching racket during sex. Cringe. Honestly, I’m not entirely certain if those women exist outside of porn and movies, but just in case… somewhere in between does just nicely.

Track #3 Deeper and Deeper

There is an extremely arousing dark side to male sexuality that operates on an intrinsically primitive level. When a woman unleashes it, she is going to see evidence of raw and uncontrollable emotion in her man.

It’s like an orchestrated symphony of sexual honesty that will unlock an uncharted path towards intense desire and vulnerability; and it’s profoundly beautiful.

A woman who is a great lover aspires to tap into her mate’s essence — she seeks to unravel his primal urges and needs, and she will make it her Holy Grail of the sex act.

Track #4 Where Life Begins

Lips…

“Having a partner that’s more concerned with pleasing you is a turn on for most, so imagine what the results could be if both partners have this mentality.”

Sex expert Kevin Darné

Lips play a pivotal role in the sexual activity of man and are the symbolic representation of sensuality and sexuality for humans.

Lips are erotic pleasure for him.

Her lips will hold his inner-most secrets. A woman who knows how to really love a man has lips like purposepresence, and passion; she expresses her feelings through her kiss and isn’t too lady-like to give and receive oral sex.

In fact, how much someone enjoys giving and receiving oral sex is the marker of a great lover because putting your mouth on someone else’s genitals and letting them do the same to you is an extremely intimate act.


A woman makes a great lover when she is willing to give as good as she gets. Her partner’s satisfaction is important to her. She knows that sex is messy, sweaty, and never lady-like. Yet, she appreciates every sacred and erotic moment.

Perhaps we could all benefit by taking a page from Madonna’s outlook-book when she says:

“Be strong, believe in freedom and in God, love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don’t judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family.”


Originally published by Sexography on Medium.

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Love and Connection, mindset, relationships, Women

Qualities of a Sexy Woman

“Everyone wants to be sexy.” — Brad Goreski


There was a time when all it took for me to feel sexy was hearing Prince singing Erotic City. These days? I need killer eye contact with a man who smells like a summer storm and who can make me laugh until my panties slide south. Nothing is sexier than a devilish sense of humor. It demonstrates intelligence, imagination and confidence.

When my husband and I were first dating, he had sexy nailed like a rock star. He possessed all of the above-mentioned qualities and more — he spoke fluently in two foreign languages, cooked like a demon and danced like Justin Timberlake. He exuded sex appeal and he knew it.

He thought I was pretty sexy too.

During those early months of our relationship, he would sometimes fix his stare on me, give a throaty rumble and tell me that I was sexy. The comment always induced laughter followed by an unstoppable blush — I didn’t always feel like a sexy woman, though he always saw “sexy” in me.

In a Psychology Today article, Aaron Ben Zeev says: “The perceiver’s attitude and the possible interactions are very important. Being described as sexy can be flattering if you are attracted to the person saying it; if not, it can be perceived as an insult.”

Hmm … Interesting.

I don’t know about you, but when someone describes me as sexy, I definitely take it as a compliment. The fact that my husband found me sexy when we first met and expressed as much may have caused me to blush, but it did wonders for our evolving relationship.

Being told that I was sexy made me feel sexier on the inside — confident, smarter and funnier. Which in turn spilled over into the bedroom. Ours was an intensely passionate start and expressing our appreciation for each other played a big role in keeping the desire burning.

Compliments are like little gifts of magic. When we receive a compliment, it means someone is noticing our positive qualities and is grateful enough to let us know. Similarly, giving someone a compliment has a positive effect on us in a very powerful way — like an amplified bounce-back of positivity.

But when we describe a woman as sexy, what do we really mean?

In truth, sexy can mean different things to men and women. While the origin of the word suggests sexual, there are further distinctions which may get lost in translation that may make it difficult to clarify contrasting realities.

In their article What Does Sexy Mean? Man+Woman Magazine say:

“The problem is this — the word ‘sexy’ gets used to mean two quite different realities. The first is simpler to identify. It is the overtly sexual meaning. It is easier to identify because it is measured against the reality of men’s sexual arousal.

The second is harder to define, but it can be identified by a different intention. Its intention is not to provoke a sexual response but to draw men’s attention to the distinctive attractiveness of the feminine in a way that remains in the realm of the emotional rather than having a physical effect.”

So, it seems that in practice this second meaning is what women nearly always mean when they say “sexy”, and that in general men mostly do too. Which suggests that finding someone sexy is, like beauty, in the eye of the beholder.

Years later, and whether it be in the first morning light or the last moments of an evening and clad in a thick robe making tea — dark circles under my eyes, weariness creeping in my joints, my husband often still does the same thing — the throaty rumble followed by the comment, “You’re a sexy woman.”

I still laugh, only now I am pretty sure he is crazy. I definitely don’t feel sexy in those moments and yet, he argues the opposite to be true. Somehow, he still sees in me the “sexy” woman he met over a decade ago, regardless of whether I have make-up on, hair done or dressed to kill.

A fact that reinforces everything we know about love, beauty and sexiness — the truth barely scratches the surface.

Every woman has something special hidden inside of her — every woman is one of a kind. Whether we recognize it in ourselves, each and every one of us have our own thing that men find alluring.

It can different for everyone, but I’m certain that it’s those unique qualities in a woman that shine from within that really make her sexy. Here are a few qualities and traits that I admire and respect in women, and think make her pretty damn sexy:

She has Confidence

Self-confidence is something we don’t just possess. We have to work at developing our sense of “self” and self-purpose; once a woman gets there it is an extremely sexy quality to embody.

It’s about knowing yourself and owning that person.

Personally, it wasn’t until I reached a point in my life where I began to acknowledge and accept my own unique qualities that my self-confidence was able to evolve. These days, I have a firmer understanding of who I am and what I want out of life. By staying true to myself, my sense of “self”, inner-confidence and purpose continues to increase; and the people in my life notice.

Confidence embodies a sense of self-empowerment that is reflected in the way a woman moves and how she carries herself — even on her least confident days she knows how to fake it till she makes it.

A sexy woman questions the “norms” and isn’t afraid to back up her word by stepping out of her comfort zone to try something different. She has plans and dreams, and she creates her own success without tearing others down in the process.

She perseveres through the dips.

She is Witty

Humor is sexy and hers is sharp. There is nothing more attractive than someone who laughs a lot and more importantly, can laugh at themselves.

A sexy woman doesn’t need the latest fashion trends to make her grin; she laughs sincerely and she radiates the good stuff — happiness.

She is Intelligent

Intelligence is magnetic. She understands her strengths and weaknesses and knows how to use them to her advantage. She knows that stretching her limits is the only way she will grow and she is confident in herself when doing so.

Remember the sexy, fashion-obsessed Elle Woods from Legally Blonde who set out to obtain a law degree in an attempt to win back her ex-boyfriend? She figured out there was much more to her than just looks and graduated from Harvard Law with a renewed sense of self-confidence which was ignited by challenging herself in different ways.

All of which enhanced her life more than she could have anticipated.

A sexy woman has a firm understanding of herself — she has a growth and abundant mindset. Whether it be through study or life experiences, she will seek ways to continue learning because she knows that knowledge will enrich her life.

She Exudes Positivity

It is in her energy — she’s light, soulful and a whole lot of spirit. And chances are, just being around her lights you up on the inside — like a big dose of positivity thrown into your day.

My Shamanic Drumming teacher, Bastian, is one of the sexiest women I know and it has nothing to do with how she looks and everything to do with her energy and spirit. Although she is an attractive woman, her stand-out qualities are her personality and aura. This lovely woman shines so bright, that her presence is delightfully infectious— and it’s a quality I admire in her very much.

A woman who shines from the inside knows that life is too short to waste on negativity and that includes miserable people with dreary outlooks.

Sure, she has her bad days like everyone else. And she isn’t always 100% positive all of the time. But she strives to see the positive in the world and surrounds herself with positive people and positive things.

She is a woman who has the ability to see the good in every situation, won’t dwell on thoughts that bring her down (at least not for too long), and she will often leave others feeling inspired.


A sexy woman carries with her an unexpected quality that may encapsulate some of these traits and more. At her core, she’s in touch with her inner-feminine self. She’s magnetic and passionate yet unaware of her appeal; and she is in each and every woman.

This is what I see and admire in every sexy woman who I have encountered.


Originally published by P.S. I Love You on Medium.

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Love and Connection, relationships, Women

What Makes a Woman Unforgettable?


There are so many mixed messages and pressure on what men expect from a woman nowadays. This is largely because we are bombarded with images that show us how to be desirable, and swamped with articles telling us what we should be wearing, doing, saying or not saying if we want men to find us alluring – unforgettable.

For many women, the media is a breeding ground for feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. It’s next to impossible to keep up with the latest irresistible sex-kitten inundating the media, but do we really want to?

We don’t need to look like a supermodel to be unforgettable. We don’t even need to be perfect. At all. A woman may do all the things that tells her how to attract a partner and still find herself alone.

The thing is, there is so much more that goes into a relationship than what a woman wears, the color of her hair or the shade of her lipstick. Sure, those things do contribute to first impressions, but what makes a woman unforgettable is much less about her clothes and more about who she is.

Quite a few years ago, a good friend jokingly referred to my ex-boyfriends as my “Old Flame Club” because they had a knack for unexpectedly showing up in my life years after the relationship had ended.

They would look me up on social media and ping me, or I’d hear from them through mutual friends who they had found and then requested my contact details. Thankfully, said mutual friends would always ask my permission before divulging my personal information.

Those who know me well have pretty good idea about how I feel about reconnecting with old boyfriends – hell, no thanks.

Erm…    

For the most part, I am uninterested in catching up with my exes. I’m not one of those people who are into attending school reunions either. That’s just me. It’s not that I have harsh feelings for past lovers or old friends, I do honor their place and the role they had in my life – it’s more that I don’t feel the need to rekindle past relationships.

You know when a relationship has run its course when you can look back with a sense of ease about how it ended. It just feels complete. Doesn’t mean that that person no longer means anything to you – you shared time together and they will always be a part of you in some way.

Doesn’t mean I want to reconnect, either.

The same goes for other kinds of relationships, too. When I divorced my first husband, I considered one of the perks of the split was that I would no longer have to deal with his mother.

Yeah. She was one of those cringe-worthy in-laws who frequently felt the need to impart her unwanted opinion and controlling advice on me at every opportunity.

Thirteen years on and she’s still at it. Only, I let go of the hook – no longer do I feel obliged to answer her calls or possess the desire to stay connected.  

Between you and me, she’s one person I wish would forget me. 

The friend who used to tease me about having an “old flame club” never understood why my ex-boyfriends were so interested in reviving a connection with me. Honestly, it was something that baffled me too.

“What is it about you that they can’t forget?” she’d ask. 

I’d reply with a shrug.

What did I know? I didn’t consider myself overly special.

But I did know that it had nothing to do with my clothes or the way I styled my hair and more to do with what’s going on on the inside. For those guys who I’ve loved and shared serious time with along the way, I have always given them the best part of me.

Just me.

All of us are unforgettable to someone and all of us will never forget someone.

Here’s a few traits I believe makes a woman particularly unforgettable:

She has a passion for Life

Life is about living and experiencing new things.

A woman who is passionate about life and has a spark for exploration is one you won’t forget in a hurry.

She laughs lots and doesn’t take herself too seriously.

She’s a free-spirit at heart who finds joy and fascination in the unlikeliest of things – it doesn’t mean that she’s always engaged in a wild venture or constantly pushing her comfort zone; but it does mean that she has an unforgettable zest for life that shines from the inside out.

She forms meaningful connections

She wants to know her man and she sees him, and she thrives on deep connection -but not just in her romantic relationships, but with the special people in her life, too.

Friends, family and co-workers – a combination of these connections. 

Meaningful connections with other people outside of your relationship is healthy and helps to keep your romantic connection fresh and balanced.

For me, I was never the kind to build my entire existence around a man, encouraging him to spend time with his friends and cherishing my own space.  

An unforgettable woman builds a life for herself and not for every romantic connection that shows up in her experience. Her meaningful connections are a part of who she is and a part of what makes her whole.

She’s kind

She doesn’t have to have a bleeding heart or try to save the world, but the kindness she shows to her loved ones and strangers alike says a lot about a woman – and it’s contagious.

Her kindness sets off a chain reaction. Like a ripple effect. Makes you feel good. When we’re around kind-hearted people, those qualities naturally emerge in us too and honestly, the world won’t suffer from too much kindness.  

An unforgettable woman is kind and caring – and although there may be times when her kindness is exploited or taken advantage of, her kindness is not easily forgotten.

She’s got fire

She’s gutsy yet vulnerable. Persistent but not a steamroller.

She knows what she wants and when life knocks her down, she’ll get back up, dust of her pants and forge ahead with renewed determination.

She realizes the value and growth that accompanies pain. She forgives easily and releases grudges because she knows that life is too short to hold onto negative emotions.   

An unforgettable woman is a visionary; a dreamer who possesses the fire in her soul to fight and push for the life she wants.

An unforgettable woman is herself

Broadmindedness is an alluring trait. So is authenticity.

She is uninterested in trying to be someone she is not and knows that the opinions others have of her is not her business.

An unforgettable woman is a person who is far from perfect but deep down she cannot be anything other than her real self.

She lives as herself.

Sometimes she’s a bitch. She might even have a knack of getting under your skin and driving you crazy at times, but she’ll love you even crazier. 

An unforgettable woman is the kind of woman who imprints on your soul and forever stays in your heart. If you shared real time and connection with her, then chances are she thinks you’re pretty unforgettable, too.  


Originally published by P.S I Love You on Medium

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Love and Connection, relationships, Romance, sexuality, Soul, Women

What Makes a Man an Unforgettable Lover?


There are those among us who think of sex as nothing more than a means to an end. It often starts out this way, during those tempestuous teen years when our raging hormones demand that we explore the alluring world of sex. Sex is a built-in motive we lust after to satisfy our ardent curiosity as well as our growing physiological needs.

We have all been there.

The first guy I had sex with had an insatiable sex drive. He was more experienced than me but once we started, it was on for young and old – anywhere, anytime. It didn’t matter where we were or who was around, there was a time when his hand almost became a permanent addition in my panties.

Hmm … maybe that’s where my love of fingers originated. He did have skill in the finger department, but that’s about where it ended.

Our relationship lasted for 5 years before we called it quits. He thought that he’d be able to come back and marry me some future day when he was ready. I thought otherwise, and it had nothing to do with the fact that although we had been highly active in the bedroom, he wasn’t a great lover.

Why?

It’s like the million-dollar question for women everywhere. We can never quite tell for sure if a man is going to be great in the sack until we’re actually rolling in it with him. I mean, every man knows the basics – give her a smooch; fondle her here; rub there; part her thighs and hammer in. But that’s just sex.  

Any guy can sex it up but that doesn’t make him an unforgettable lover.

Personally, I feel as if the tell-tale signs of a man’s sexual prowess may be prevalent through his developed tastes, level of creativity and small nuances outside of the bedroom.

Men who have a creative side and practice extracurricular activities are usually more broad-minded, soulful and more in tune with their senses and with life. As are those men who are spontaneous and adventurous – who are not uptight or feel the need to schedule every minute of every day. Guys with these types of characteristics tend to show up in the bedroom and make for better lovers.

My ex-boyfriend was all about the visual senses and fast-action and less about exploring and developing sensual pleasures and savouring my body. His arousal was defined by handling me as if I was his sex-toy – here to serve and please his desires with little regard for my own. He enjoyed my body, but only to the extent his primitive style of passion allowed. In other words, he was never interested in refining his skills as a lover – and no, he didn’t possess a creative flair or a deep passion to experience life in new ways.

He was rather humdrum.  

Not every man or woman is actually interested in taking the time to learn how to be a great lover, opting instead to remain a lousy lay and/or continue to see sex as a means to an end – orgasmic release or an act carried out for the purpose of pro-creation.

Both viewpoints are kind of dull if you ask me. Imagine if we only had sex to procreate?

Frustration. Overload.  

We are sexually driven creatures by nature and the fact is that sex is one of the greatest aspects of our humanity. Anyone who has experienced orgasmic heaven and real connection with an attentive lover can attest to that. Sex is pleasurable and fun; it helps to relieve stress and strengthens our relationships and connections – it is the ultimate expression of love.

Speaking of expressions of love, here’s a few ultimate traits that I consider vital in making a man an unforgettable lover:

Lips Like Seduction

Kissing can be totally amazing or … erm … worthy of a good cringe followed by a fast excuse to bail out.

The way a man kisses a woman is a huge indication of his underlying passion to connect deeply – and deep connection is what makes an unforgettable lover.

But please don’t throw in the towel too early. We all know that first kiss can be a little nerve-wracking and less-than-perfect what with the pressure and all – but if it begins to heat up and gets you all bothered, then pay attention, girl – you may have a Casanova on your hands!

An unforgettable lover knows how to use his lips like a seductive artform to induce a rush of deep arousal in his woman; and he enjoys every moment of building the sexual tension through his kiss.

Passion Like Fever

Love is the most important element in a relationship and passion is the fire that helps to create total fusion. There must exist an intense sexual desire for your partner and a deep need to express strong emotion through love-making to reach the next level in intimacy.

Sometimes, the only way to channel and express our emotions in totality is through the act of sex. Like an outlet for our deepest and most sacred parts. We cannot always fully articulate the depth of our feelings to the person we love – so, when words are not enough, we use our bodies; bonding through our passion can convey infinitely beautiful feelings.  

An unforgettable lover possesses and expresses his feelings in his lover’s touch – he isn’t afraid to show his love for his woman through acts of unbridled passion.       

Attentiveness Like Arousal

The most unforgettable lovers are the ones who are in tune with their woman and are attentive to her needs and desires in the bedroom.

Forget the 5-minute wham-bam. There will be no thank you, ma’am’s from this side of the table. A man who is an unforgettable lover knows the importance of pacing; he’s the real chill-deal who relishes sweet sensations and sensual caresses, and he will take his cues from his woman – her pleasure is his greatest turn-on.

Psychology Today: “One of women’s main sexual complaints about their lovers is that men rush into intercourse before women feel ready for genital play.”

I can’t tell you how many times my lady friends have expressed the very same thing – slow down and then get a little slower.

An unforgettable lover considers his lover’s entire body his erotic playground and savours every inch – he knows how to prime her for the main event.

But not before…  

Tongue Like Erotica

It would be impossible to not add the fine and delicate art of cunnilingus to a list of traits constituting an unforgettable lover. He must honor the pussy who he seeks to take and if he can’t or won’t give her the gift of his passionate kiss in her most intimate parts, then all cards are off the table.

More than just eating pussy; it’s a constitution that requires developed skill and intentional attention to tap into and connect with his woman’s essence via his lips and tongue.

An unforgettable lover has a strong desire to know his woman’s body and learn what turns her on. He wants to taste her sex – he knows that her scent is all his and he’ll push her to the edge of desire – allowing her to linger in the throes of erotica, lust and love as he ignites her inner-Sex Goddess.


An unforgettable lover is a man who has passion, patience and a deep sense of appreciation for love, connection and all of life. He is open to experiencing moments of vulnerability and probably has a delightful kinky side, too, but most importantly, he sees sex for what it really is – a gift. A beautiful, beautiful gift.  


Originally published by Sexography on Medium.

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relationships

Are Women Control Freaks or Are Men Just Lazy?


 “Hmm … nice bed-making skills.”

“I made the bed. I could just not make it and leave it for you to do.”

“No, don’t do that. Feel free to keep making it.”

I like my bed sheets tucked snugly, particularly at the bottom of the bed. Then I get to mess them up again when I hop into bed at night. Rumpled sheets at the onset is one of my pet hates. We all have them.

He never does it right. Wait — I’m going to reframe that statement — he never does it like me. His bed-making tactics involve a hasty heist of blanket and sheets over the bed and maybe a little adjustment here and there. He never tucks. He’ll get in bed and make disgruntled noises as he pushes my tight tucks out with his feet.

What can I say? He’s a free spirit.

Even has those words tattooed on his arm.

He’ll make a joke about my iron-fisted tucks just as I give him lip for his free-form style, but he never complains about it and I have learned to not complain about his messy version of a bed-make.

The fact that he’s making the bed is enough.

“I’ll just do it.”

How many times do women utter those words to her man because he doesn’t do something the way she likes it done?

It begins early when a relationship is getting all domesticated-like. Women get in the home and want everything just so. It’s like some kind of inbuilt “Sadie Queen Nurturer Syndrome” (SQNS) or something, and it has been drummed into us since birth.

SQNS seems to encompass just about everything — the laundry; the way the dishwasher is stacked; dressing the kids; cooking and general cleaning; lining the garbage bin; remembering birthdays and important stuff like events and appointments … and for crying out loud — that is totally not how you brush the kid’s hair.

Women can be control freaks like that.

Our way or the highway, baby.

It gets worse when kids burst on the scene, especially during those first years and I’ll tell you why — it is mothering instinct overdrive. Otherwise known as maternal gatekeeping.

Gemma Hartley from Quartz.com:

“Maternal gatekeeping is the act of standing between men and their ability to become full and equal partners by micromanaging or bulldozing their efforts … Women, some men believe, just won’t give up control who have exacting standards they think the men in their lives can’t follow.”

For some women, it kicks in like an unstoppable superpower after the birth of a baby. It can make the difference between sink or swim for us. Life is suddenly very different. Smooth routine, systems and efficiency is what saves our sanity. That, and maybe a glass of wine every now and then.

More from Hartley:

“From childhood, women are bombarded with cultural messaging that tells us we are the only ones qualified for this work. We’re told in ways both overt and subtle that emotional labor is our birthright. We’re “naturally” more in tune with our emotional side. We’re “naturally” more organized. We’re “naturally” better at keeping a household running, planning holidays, arranging childcare, noticing the details.”

Hmm … there is a lot of “natural-a-lees” going on up there, but is it really true?

We do naturally get it in our heads that we are “nurturers” and less than a woman if we are not. Then we begin to reinforce our cultural “facts” and practice them by taking on the heavy mental and emotional load in the domestic sphere needed to keep a household running smoothly — we become the emotional labor hub of the family and take everything on ourselves by doing things like:

Initiating delicate or important conversations, managing schedules and routines, remembering to send birthday and holiday cards to relatives, and asking for help (sometimes repeatedly) emptying the dishwasher or getting a start on dinner — e.g. Emotional Labor.

He usually doesn’t do it the right way, or … um … our way. Then we speak that fated phrase:

“I’ll just do it.”

You know what happens next?

A man will actually stop trying to help. He will figure there’s no point if he can’t do it right. He will also use a woman’s “I’ll just do it” resistance as an excuse to not even try. Which in turn gives rise to nagging and eventually, the shady road toward resentment and good old discord.

I’ve seen it happen time and time again and witnessed the consequences: Unbalance. Estrangement. Indifference. Resentment.

Doesn’t have to be this way.

I learned early on in my life to quit being so precious about how things run in the household. It was a matter of shifting my perspective to let go of the need to control everything. I would ask myself the same questions that still run through my mind when I feel that itch bristle beneath the surface: Does it really matter how he does it? And: Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?

Of course, I want to be happy. Duh.

I found that a large part of finding happiness was to relinquish control to the universal truth — our men are capable of taking on more emotional labor than we give them credit for and moreover, they want to do it.

For you.

If he loves you, he wants to be of service. That’s love.

So what if he doesn’t do it like you? At least he’s doing it.

When our children were small, my husband had his own way of doing things when he was on “baby watch”. He didn’t always stick to the routine I had worked so hard to achieve and he would choose unusual out-of-season outfits to dress the kids in before taking them out. More than once, I’d show up, take one look at sour-milk-reeking baby smothered in dried up bits of the last meal and cringe on the inside.

I would wonder why on earth the kid still had her eyes open, was sucking on something foreign and stunk like mac and cheese. Then, I’d immediately go for a diaper-check-feel.

Mother-mode instincts. Overdrive.

Though, never once did I chide him for doing things a different way to me. I was just grateful that he was there to help out and realized that it didn’t matter how he chose to do things so long as the baby was cared for and happy.

Baby always was and so was dad.

I also didn’t want to take away the inner-goodness that I knew he was feeling for demonstrating his capabilities as a father and a husband. It made him feel competent, equal and purposeful that he was able to embrace his fatherly and husbandly roles without being subjected to disapproval from me — mother hen.

Besides, by no means did I want him to stop helping out. No. Way. You got to weigh that up. It’s human nature to not offer assistance when your efforts are repeatedly cut-down by your spouse.

Men need to feel useful and helpful to their women because when a good man knows he is easing a load off from his woman, he feels validated and worthy as her mate and this plays a large part in how he shows her that he cares.

The fact that I have been on the flip side to this situation has probably made a significant impact in the way I see household balancing roles between men and women. My first husband was the control freak. It was he that wanted everything “just so” and me that could do no right.

I know how it feels to be ridiculed for the little things — hell, according to my ex-husband, I couldn’t even hang a bathroom towel correctly.

He was the maternal gatekeeper — the domestic bulldozer who saw fit to organize my organizing; and you know what else I know about it?

It is much less about wanting to control, use or delegate emotional labor as an excuse to nit-pick and nag as much as a symptom of an already imbalanced relationship.

I think we tend to use emotional labor as a scapegoat; a passive-aggressive means to claim some kind of control over our feelings, express dissatisfaction in the relationship and our lives when we ought to be striving to create more collaborative connections about what’s important in our shared existence.

This means practicing self-awareness, empathy and open communication about how both partners are going to show up and develop a set of shared living standards that works for them. Which will invoke compromise and the desire to tune into the emotional labor it takes to do what’s required in a way that keeps everyone’s best interest in mind.

You’ve got to ease up on things in life. No one will die because the dishwasher was stacked a little … moronically.

Is that even a word?

My husband never makes our bed how I prefer it to be made, but he never complains when he catches me creep in after him to tuck in the sheets the way I like them to be tucked — at least on my side of the bed.

He can keep his free-spirited untuck on his side and that works for the both of us because we have been able to meet in a place that makes sense to us.

Balance doesn’t always need to be about a 50/50 split; it just means that both people need to show up for 100% of the emotional labor to achieve smooth collaboration on the domestic front. Then, we can get on with the important stuff — like messing up that bed again.


Originally published by P.S. I Love You on Medium

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